Blinking away the pain of my headache, I gathered her freezing body off the floor. Rocking back, I sat and leaned against the table leg, cocooning her on my lap.
Her body wracked with shivers, shuddering with every ragged breath.
Shit. What have I done? What have I done!
Silence echoed horribly loud. A minute ticked past. Then another. I didn’t know what to say. I had no clue how to fix the atrocity of what I’d committed.
I wanted to carve out my sick, sick brain and beg for forgiveness. But this—this was unforgivable.
Then Tess hiccupped, turning her face into my chest. Her trembling arms slowly wrapped around my neck, spreading the slickness of her tears. They turned from seeping to raging, soaking into my worthless flesh, staining my soul forever.
My fractured heart oozed with corruption and terror. Everything she’d said was a lie. She’d made me hurt her against her consent.
I’d spun the worst kind of lies by listening to the darkness inside me.
I howled silently, slamming the cage into place, locking it forever. Never again would I let myself be swayed. Never again would I believe what Tess said.
Lies had the power to tear apart a relationship—it also had the power to kill.
How much further would I have gone?
I never wanted to know the answer.
My eyes smarted with rage—rage so hot and torrid I wanted to kill myself for being so fucked up. Then the rage dissolved under the colossal weight of guilt—rock after rock—burying me alive.
“Why?” I whispered. “Why did you let me do it?” My arms banded tighter, completely terrified she’d walk out the door.
How could she ever stand to look at me again? Nothing could fix what I’d done. No apology or heartfelt note could ever excuse almost raping the woman I would die for.
I couldn’t stomach it. I couldn’t breathe with the enormity of what I’d become.
Burying my face in her hair, I gave myself over to despair. “Tess, je suis tellement désolé.” I'm so unbelievably sorry.
She hunched in on herself, but her arms wrapped tighter around my neck. My migraine pressed me further into the depths of hell. I suffocated on her hair. I’d never be able to look into her eyes again.
I was scum. Fucking awful terrible scum.
“Why? Why, Tess?” How could you let me do this—after everything?
She sniffed, raising her head. I gripped her harder, forcing her to stay, shaking until my teeth clacked together.
Pushing me a little, she sat upright, snuggling closer in my arms. “Because I love you, and I didn’t want to let you down.”
I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it.
I squeezed my eyes, unable to look at her. I was the worst kind of villain. Once a devil always a devil. I’d finally shown my true form. I’d shown Tess just how heinous I truly was. I’d lost my soul.
“Let me down? Fuck, Tess, you’ve just destroyed me. You let me do that against your will.”
She shook her head. “It wasn’t against my will. I let it happen. I gave myself to you because I love you.”
A cavernous hole opened in my chest, sucking me down and down. I didn’t deserve her love. I deserved nothing. Nothing.
“You can’t love me. Not now.”
Her face shone with tears but the strength I’d needed so badly shone in her gaze. “Yes. I do.”
I couldn’t bear to look at her anymore. Bowing my head, I concentrated on the sickness rampaging my body. I threw myself into the pit of pain knowing it was all I ever deserved.
“Q—” Her hand landed on my cheek. “Look at me.”
I couldn’t.
“Q—it’s okay.”
Rage.
She’d made me become this…this monster by being the perfect submissive. She’d drawn out the part of me I’d forever kept dormant. There was nothing okay about that.
“Don’t. Just stop it. None of this is okay. Don’t you get it? I would’ve raped you. I would’ve been no better than those fuckers I’ve put down like dogs. Don’t you dare tell me this is okay!”
Tess flinched but her touch never left my face. Her eyes locked onto mine, looking angelic and so forgiving.
The anger suddenly evaporated, leaving me a trembling wreck. Resting my forehead against hers, I whispered, “We’re broken.”
Tess froze. “No. Don’t say that.”
“We are. I’ve ruined us. Ruined you. Ruined everything.”
“I’ll get better. I’ll find myself again. I know I will.”
I didn’t believe her.
“Did you even want me before—when we first arrived?” The need to know filled me with undeniable urgency. She’d come for me. She’d been wet. But what if I took advantage? What if she hadn’t wanted me to go near her? I was already condemned.
“Yes. More than anything. I loved having you inside me.”
My arms lassoed tighter, trying to calm the confusion inside. The migraine coated everything in gritty agony—lacing with tears I wished I could shed.
Then it hit me.
The truth.
The truth Tess had tried so hard to hide and by doing so fed the demons inside.
She no longer wanted pain.
The jitters stopped, leaving me freezing cold and numb.
She doesn’t want what I do anymore.
Tess curled closer, her eyes swimming with tears. She knew I’d figured it out.
“I’m so sorry, Q. So sorry.”
I couldn’t stand her apologising—not when I’d be forever indebted and endlessly sorry for what I’d done.
“You’ve nothing to apologise for.”
“But I can’t give you what you need anymore. I’m the one who ruined everything.”
Temper thawed my numbness. “It wasn’t you. It was them.” Capturing the back of her neck, I glared into her eyes. “Listen to me, Tess. Nothing and I mean nothing can stop me from loving you. I don’t fucking care if you no longer need pain. I’ve sworn my life to you—if you’ll still have me—don’t you ever feel guilty for this.”
“But it isn’t enough.” She used her hair as a cloak to hide her true despair, but I saw it. Fuck, I tasted it. “It isn’t enough for you,” she breathed.
She’s right.
I hated that she was right.
No matter how much I wished it. No matter how hard I tried. I would never be able to control myself without a small outlet—a small avenue of granting what I so needed.
You almost broke her. That’s enough to bury those urges forever.
A small curl of confidence strengthened me. I could use the debilitating fear of what I’d just done as a deterrent. Yes, I could bury them. Because I never wanted to hurt Tess again.
“Esclave. I don’t give a fuck anymore. I refuse to lay one finger on you. After today, I’ll keep my needs under control.” I sighed, hugging her harder. “I want you. You and me. Together. That’s all that matters.”
All my life I never thought I’d find someone to match me. I’d carefully kept my heart locked away for that very reason. No woman should have to put up with a man like me.
But life decided to create a perfect other. A girl so strong and brave I was in total awe of her.
And I fell flat on my face in love with her.
I’d had the perfection of a life I never thought I could have for three fucking days. Then the devil stole her, hurt her, damaged her, and left me with a shattered dream.
Fucking bastards.
I howled for my loss. I snarled for the ghost of the girl I’d fallen for.
I’d lost her and any chance of complete happiness I stood to have.
Looking at her, I drank in her beauty. I’ve lost you.