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I revealed this news to Gina as delicately as I could, while also admitting that I didn’t have the emotional capacity to enlist her on another dating website. I had invested a week of my time and energy into carefully eliminating all red flags and potential rapists. “I just don’t have it in me,” I confessed. “Every time one of these losers winks at you my phone beeps, and I have no idea how to disable that feature. If you want, I’m happy to buy you that horse you’ve been riding. And whatever happens behind closed doors is your business.”

Gina ended up getting her horse after all, and since then they have been in a monogamous relationship.

My sister Shana and me on our front lawn. Happier times. 1979.

Martha’s Vineyard with my two lesbian sisters

This is a picture of me, age three, that I took with me when I was nineteen and left New Jersey for California. I put it in one of those cheap little plastic picture frames that have magnets on the back, and have stuck it on every refrigerator in every apartment or house I’ve lived in since. About a year ago, it fell off the refrigerator when I was looking for some chicken wings, and I noticed my mother’s handwriting on the back. The right hand corner was dated July 4, 1978, and it said:

The face of an angel, the mind of a devil, and a heart of gold.

Your mother will always love you.

Love, Mommy

HOT TRAVEL TIPS

Contrary to popular belief, it is not necessary to be topless for emergency dental work when abroad.

It is possible to chip your tooth while eating gummy bears when a plane is landing.

Dolphin rape is a very real thing.

There are certain countries (France) that have microwaves that actually air-condition the food instead of heating it. Be aware of this when handling quiche or pizza. There is nothing more frustrating than taking a bite of what you think is going to be a warm piece of quiche and then chipping your tooth.

Mixing Metamucil with vodka will be successful in helping you go to the bathroom, but your timing should be strategic if staying with a friend. Once you clog someone’s toilet, they have a hard time remembering anything about you other than you clogging their toilet.

If you don’t already know how to surf, don’t try to learn. It’s humiliating.

Kobe beef is not named after Kobe Bryant. Do not make this mistake.

When going through security, always pretend you are innocent and frail, even if the person perusing your passport or boarding pass has an afro

and

a ponytail.

If you are a drinker, always use a pseudonym when booking hotels. None of us ever really know what kind of mess we’re going to leave behind, and there’s no sense in getting banned from a resort you respect.

It’s safest not to travel during a leap year.

The saying that money doesn’t buy you happiness is true. But it sure as fuck helps.

When hooking up abroad, be aware: any man who tries to convince you that most guys have one ball will most likely have only one ball himself. One ball is as likely as a blind robber—a gay one.

And last but not least, go for it. Go wherever you can afford to go with whomever you can get to go with you.

THE END

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Michael Broussard, Beth de Guzman (my very patient Asian editor), Lionel Richie, Shelly Youree, Sue Murphy, Simoney Baloney, Molly Burke, and Hannah Banana Kampf. Chunk. And to my dear lover-girl Mary McCormack for my favorite quote of the century. When her four-year-old daughter asked to go in the ocean when they were strolling down the Santa Monica Pier, she said “The ocean is broken.”

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Contents

Cover

Title Page

Welcome

Dedication

Most Frequently Asked Traveler’s Questions

1. Out of Afrika

2. Into the Bush

3. Camp Dumbo

4. Rejection in Botswana

5. Mombo Camp, Botswana

Travel Etiquette

6. The Bahamas

7. Mount a Negro

8. The Swiss Alps

9. Telluride

10. Yellowstone National Park

11. Trapped in Bel Air

Hot Travel Tips

Acknowledgments

Other Books Starring Chelsea Handler

Newsletters

All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitutes unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at permissions@hbgusa.com. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

A Chelsea Handler Book/Borderline Amazing® Publishing

Grand Central Publishing

Hachette Book Group

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First ebook edition: March 2014

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ISBN 978-1-4555-9972-1

Table of Contents