“Yes.”
“Yes? What were you saying yes to? Were you agreeing that I need to apologize to you?”
“No. I mean--I don’t know.”
“Why the hell would I apologize to you? I don’t owe you a thing, Dale. How dare you? I mean, how dare you?”
“I’m sorry!”
“Oh, don’t be so gullible, I’m just messing with you. Clearly my whole Chip and Dale bit was wasting your time, and I do owe you an apology, so from the bottom of my werewolf heart, I’m sorry. Now let’s talk about me ripping your guts out.”
Dale looked as if he wanted to say something, most likely “What?” or “No!” or “Please!” but couldn’t find his voice.
“Oh, don’t look so surprised,” Ivan said. “You knew I was going to kill you as soon as I turned into a scary monster. Do you want to know why I’m going to do it?”
“I...”
“For your clothes. That’s it. No other reason. I’m going to end your life, all however many years of it...how old are you?”
“Thirty-two.”
“...all thirty-two years of it for your shirt. And I don’t even like your shirt. How does that make you feel, Dale?”
Dale threw a punch at him. Ivan deflected the blow with his palm with very little effort, then used the same hand to grab Dale’s wrist. Then, with the index finger of his other hand, he slashed a line across the length of Dale’s entire arm, opening it up like a zipper. Dale, not surprisingly, screamed.
Sweet. Ivan had thought Dale might be too paralyzed with fear to actually fight back, so this would make things more interesting.
“Did that hurt? I hope so. That’s just a sneak preview, by the way. A tasty little sample of the main attraction. I really feel sorry for you and the hellish pain you’re going to endure. I’m sure glad I’m not the one sitting here in a car with a sadistic werewolf.”
“I’ve got money!” Dale said.
“Lots?”
“Yes.”
“How much?”
“Thousands.”
“Here?”
“Not with me, but--”
“Sorry. You just failed to save your life. Any other good bribes?”
“You don’t have to do this!”
“I realize that. I like that it’s optional.”
“I’ll do anything.” Dale finally succumbed to tears. Ivan had expected that part to happen a bit sooner.
“Oh, now, Dale, there’s no reason to cry. You say you’ll do anything. Would you...take a knife and cut out your own stomach?”
“What?”
“If I gave you a knife, would you cut out your own stomach? I wouldn’t make you eat it or anything--although, come on, let’s be honest, it would be pretty cool to watch somebody eat his own stomach. I’d just make you cut it out. Do that and I’ll let you go.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Then don’t say shit like ‘I’ll do anything’ if you don’t mean it. Would you slash your own throat? Would you jam a stiletto heel in your heart? Would you give yourself brain surgery? I hate it when people throw out offers that they’re not prepared to honor.”
Dale began to sob.
“Where were you headed?”
“Home.”
“To your wife?”
“No.”
“Do you have a girlfriend?”
“No.”
“Why not?
“I don’t know.”
“Is it because you’re bald?”
“No.”
“When did you last get laid?”
“I don’t know.”
“Liar. Somebody who looks like you knows exactly how long ago it was. Tell me.”
“Three weeks.”
“Hey, that’s not so bad. I thought it would be six months or something like that. Was she a prostitute?”
“No.”
“One of those Internet booty calls?”
“Sort of.”
“Sort of? Details, please.”
Dale sniffed. “We met online, but I’d seen her in person a couple of times.”
“Gotcha. Do you need a Kleenex or something? Your nose is all snotty. You wouldn’t want your hot Internet sex bunny to see you like this, would you?”
“No.”
“Are you going to see her again?”
“No.”
“Because you broke up, or because I’m going to murder you?”
“We weren’t really together.”
“She was a hooker, wasn’t she?”
“I said no.”
“Was she a skank?”
“No.”
“Do you love her?”
“No.”
“Do you love anybody?”
“I don’t know.”
“Ah, so you do love somebody. Well, Dale-without-his-Chip, let’s discuss this. Just remember that the longer you keep me engaged in conversation, the longer you get to live, unless I hear a car coming and have to gut you. You never know, the details of your love life might be so fascinating to me that I forget to murder you. Wouldn’t that be nice? I’d be walking home and think ‘Oh, how about that, I completely forgot to murder Dale! How forgetful of me!’ You’d enjoy that, right?”
“Yes.”
“Who do you love?”
“Karen.”
“Does she love you back?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“I don’t know.”
“So who is this darling Karen?”
“Co-worker.”
“Is she hot?”
“Yes.”
“See, that probably explains why the attraction isn’t mutual. Is she blonde, brunette, redhead...?”
“Black hair with red streaks.”
“So you’re into the dyed hair thing, huh? Nice. Does she have any tattoos?”
“One.”
“One that you know about, right?”
“Yes.”
“Does Karen live around here?”
Dale vigorously shook his head. “No.”
“Are you sure? You’re not just saying that to protect her from me?”
“She doesn’t live here.”
“Well, obviously she doesn’t live here. The question was whether or not she lives around here.”
“No.”
“I think you’re being deceptive. How far away is she? Five minutes? Ten?”
“I don’t know.”
“It’s really not much of a crush if you don’t even know where she lives. You should’ve followed her home. Women love it when you put forth that extra bit of effort. And with enough practice, you can actually build up a resistance to pepper spray. It’s true. I love the taste now.”
Dale was still crying. It was becoming kind of annoying.
“You know, Dale, we don’t have to be enemies. I’m not saying that we should hang out and drink together and become best buddies, but this doesn’t have to end in such a negative way. Having a werewolf on your side makes you kind of powerful. Ladies can’t resist a nice furry werewolf, if you know what I mean.”
“I don’t.”
“I think you’re lying about not knowing where she lives. I think you’ve done a bit of light stalking in your time. Don’t try to deny it--I see that glint of mischief in your eye.”
“I never stalked her.”
“Okay, fine. No stalking from the Boy Scout. But you know where she lives. We could pay her an unannounced visit. If she doesn’t want to let you in, I’ll kick the door down. Or, better yet, you just keep the car running while I go get her. We’ll take her someplace nice and private. You could do anything you wanted to her. I wouldn’t even watch if it made you uncomfortable--I’d just wait in the next room and listen.”