Next I turn to the sink, a mini version of the tub. A twig with its top bark peeled away to reveal strings of softer sapwood lies on the counter. A toothbrush? I lift the faucet and wet the bristles, then scrub my teeth from back to front. Brush, spit, rinse. Brush, spit, rinse. I dab a bit of the peppermint oil from the basket on my tongue for good measure. I suck a breath through my teeth. Strong.
Before I leave this momentary haven and brave an encounter with Joshua, I glance in the mirror once more. What do I do with my hair? I scan the tiny bathroom and spot a wooden brush. I run it through my tangles, then fashion a diagonal French braid, securing it with the leather tie. Quinn showed me how to do it once, insisting I stop wearing my hair in my face. It’s a really pretty style on her. On me, it just looks as if I’m posing.
Lark waits in the front room, her lips a flat line. “Breakfast is on the porch.” She nods toward the door. “You two have a lot to discuss.”
I gulp and head outside. She can only mean Joshua. How does she know we need to talk? Did he say something to her?
He’s waiting for me, sitting on one of the Adirondack chairs, silent as a musical rest. When he sees me, his eyes widen.
I bite my lower lip. What’s he thinking? Is he finally realizing how ugly I am with my hair pulled off my face?
Crud. Thinking I could confront him was easy in the shallows of the bathroom. So much harder in the ocean of his eyes.
“El.” His voice rasps. He coughs.
I fiddle with a button on my sweater. It comes loose and falls to the porch. Tick. “Joshua.”
“You look . . . different.”
Great. He’s speaking in guy-code. “Er, thanks.” I guess.
He leans forward. He’s looking at me but in an unseeing way. “We should talk.”
Wait, wasn’t talking my idea? “I agree.” I take the chair across from him.
A tray on a low table between us holds a continental-style breakfast. Rolls like the ones Ky and I shared last night, muffins, berries, pine nuts, boiled eggs, a bowl of granola. A pitcher of milk and a steaming teakettle wing the spread. I grab a muffin and pick at the top, the best part. Mmm, like bran, but sweeter and not as mealy.
In the square, down the cobbled lane, life emerges. A woman in an apron beats a rug outside the notions shop. A boy and girl play tag, zigzagging around her. The butcher turns the sign in his window to the Open side, and the baker holds his door for an elderly man, the aromas of butter and yeast floating past their smiling faces. And I thought no one here ever came outside.
“Eliyana,” Joshua starts, tearing at a roll, “what happened last night . . . with Kyaphus . . . it can’t go any further. Do you understand?” He shreds the bread, crumbs falling to his feet scrap by scrap. Anyone else might think a bird pecked it to death.
I narrow my eyes. “What exactly are you accusing me of? Ky saved me, which is more than I can say for you.” But it’s not Joshua’s fault Ky is immune to Slumbrosia. My anger doesn’t appear to influence him.
“As an Ever I’m susceptible to being drugged. But the effects don’t last long on me. I left the moment it wore off, but then I saw you two . . . together.”
“I was cold. He gave me his jacket, put his arm around me. It didn’t mean anything.” Does he think I’m some ninny, flitting from one guy to the next? Unbelievable.
Every muscle in his face hardens, a chiseled sculpture. “I know it meant nothing to him. I’m concerned it meant something to you.”
Right. Because no guy could possibly be attracted to me in that way. “No.” Pause. “Of course not.”
He drops the last bit of roll to the ground, brushes his hands on his thighs. “Guardians are trained to do whatever it takes to protect their charges. Lie. Cheat. Kill. Anything really.” His tone is Novocain. He almost sounds like . . .
Jasyn.
This isn’t happening. “I don’t believe you.” My hand trembles. Vision blurs. I clench my fist, my nails digging into my cut. This is so not going as planned. Keep it together. “You’re lying now. You can’t stand the idea of me being with someone besides you.” I test the words, relishing the way they sound, the sense they make.
His voice remains even. “I’m sorry if I led you to believe—”
I shoot from the chair, nearly knocking over the table when I bump it with my shin. That’ll leave a bruise. “You care about me. You can’t stand there and tell me the past three years meant nothing. Even if it was your job, I know what I felt between us. No one is that good an actor.”
The remainder of my muffin crumbles to the ground. I’m pacing now, trying desperately to believe my own rebuttal. “I heard Makai. He said he thought you’d fallen for me. I couldn’t believe it then, couldn’t fathom you might actually want to be with me. But you know what?” I point a finger in his emotionless face. “Now I’m starting to think he was right. You act one way with me and another around everyone else. This hot-and-cold act isn’t you. The Joshua I fell in love with isn’t a liar, no matter how well trained he might be to do so. You feel something for me, too, but you’re scared, of what, I don’t know.”
My emotions hyperventilate. I just told Joshua I love him. I search his face for a reaction. A sign my admission has an effect. Instead I receive a patronizing stare. Nothing to indicate he heard me or understands the epicness of what I’ve said. The amount of courage it took to do so.
“El, calm down.” He stands, too, touches my elbow. “You don’t know what you’re saying. You are not in love with me.”
I flinch away as if burned. People are staring at us now, stopped to watch our soap-opera exchange. “Yes.” No turning back now. “I am.”
“Listen,” he says, words hushed, eyes unapologetic. “Everything I’ve done is because . . .” Here it is. He’s finally going to admit it. “. . . I swore to protect you. I have to protect you, and if that hurts your feelings, I’m sorry, but it’s the way it has to be.”
“Why? Why does it have to be that way?”
He thrusts his hands in his pockets. “I took an oath, ‘To the Crown until Death.’ I had to get close to you to keep you safe. That meant getting you to trust me. It was obvious you had a crush on me. The best friend bit seemed the easiest route to take.” He doesn’t even blink. The way he’s looking at me, as if he pities me, makes my blood roil. “When you tried to kiss me after your mom . . . I knew I’d gone too far. A kiss would’ve destroyed everything.” He clears his throat.
“Oh, don’t stop. Let me know how you really feel.” My pulse thunders in my ears. Black and red spots dart past my eyes.
Joshua’s mouth goes slack. “I am telling you.”
Blink. Breathe. Get ahold of yourself. “Does this have something to do with my connection to the Verity’s vessel?”
“No.” His eyebrows arc high, rippling his forehead. “It has everything to do with it. I thought you said your bond was explained.”