I bite my lip. Suck in my cheek. Twist my hair around my finger. I’m Ebony again and I think a silent thanks to Dennielle, wherever she is now.
“I’ve had worse.” Tide laughs again. “Besides, that was amazing. I knew you could do it.”
So this is what a racing pulse feels like. And not the kind that starts from doing something I totally know I shouldn’t be. This is much more levitation worthy.
Oh man, oh man. Is he going to kiss me?
He better.
Tide brushes my hair off my face for the second time tonight. “You’re always so afraid. Why?”
His question is a shove and I lean out of reach. Seriously? He’s going to insult me? Now?
“I’m not afraid.” The retort comes out accusatory. He just had to ruin this, didn’t he? I turn away and rise. “I should go find Khloe and Stormy.”
“See what I mean?” He stands and moves behind me, never allowing more than a few inches of space between us. His mouth finds the space above my shoulder and next to my ear. “You can’t even look at me without chickening out.”
I want to slap him in his perfect copper face. How dare he see through me. How dare he go around smelling like sea salt and sand.
“Ebony. Look at me.”
No. It’s too late. I’ve let him get too close. We aren’t happening like this. Not when he thinks he has something to hold over my head. I won’t let him use vulnerability against me. I’m better than that. Than him.
Ennnnt. Wrong. But don’t tell.
“Just get some rest?” I move out of reach again. “I’ll be back. Stormy and Khloe can’t have gone too far.”
“They’re fine. Talk to me.”
I can’t let him see me cry. I won’t.
“Tell me something true.” His hand covers mine. “Something real.”
Sigh. El told me once how Rhyen broke through every wall she constructed. How he was so different from Joshua in that regard. Because instead of pushing her away, Ky drew her in. He made her open up and see who she really is.
Is that what Tide’s doing now? I sense the need for release, how good it will feel if I just let it go. Every bitter memory I’ve held in, used to become an emotionless robot. Nothing and no one will hurt me. I can say what I want, do what I want. Mean words? Ha. They don’t faze me. Betray me? So the bleep what? I can get you back twice as hard.
“Talk to me,” he urges again.
Something about those three words seeps through a crack in my armor. And I spill it. I let the words flow because why keep trying to hide? “My mother never came to look for me. When I left to work for Jasyn.”
My past can’t be news to him. Tide was close with Rhyen, so he must know we both worked for Crowe. Does Tide even understand the concept of an unhappy childhood? What was it like for him to live with the Countess in a palace by the sea? I’ve never known how it feels to truly love and have someone love me unconditionally in return. Countess Ambrose loved him. Even Rhyen had one loving parent. But me?
I had no one.
“You haven’t told me much about her,” Tide says. “Your mother.”
“What’s there to tell?” Bitterness coats my question. Who cares? “She’s a monster. Maybe I am too. Am I even a Shield? I’ve always taken pride in my unique ability to assume another’s appearance. Now I wonder if I’m some sort of mutant offspring.” I kick a nearby stone with my toe. It doesn’t go far.
His lips press, then part. “You’re not a monster.” As he adjusts his stance, his face contorts in pain from the miniscule movement. Tide’s the type of guy who’s good at reading people. I wish he wasn’t. I wish I could hide from him. That I didn’t have the impulse to tell him everything that’s on my heart.
“Who knows why your Shield ability manifests the way it does.” His chin comes to rest on my shoulder, his nearness warming me.
I want to shove him and lean back into him at the same time. Fall asleep right there in the crook of his shoulder. Correction—his good shoulder.
“I don’t think you hate your mother as much as you’d like me or anyone else to believe. You’re not a monster. Your mother is, I won’t argue that. But was Jasyn Crowe much better? When you worked for him, I mean?”
Loaded question much? Still, it causes me to really think. Something I don’t prefer to spend too much time doing. I don’t respond right away. Can he expect me to? Serving Jasyn had its downsides, but we were cared for. Sad, right? Loved more by darkness than by a parent, a person meant to protect me. It’s nauseating.
Welcome to life as we know it.
I glance toward the stars. Tide’s breathing slows. We stay that way for a while. He doesn’t try to hold me and I’m grateful. Knowing me, I’d leap away from such affection. And I don’t want to push him away. Not now.
After a spell of silence has passed, I say, “In some ways, Jasyn was the lesser of two evils. He never spoke cruelly to me, always treated me with the highest respect. As long as I did what he asked, I received praise. And I never didn’t do what he asked.”
The last part releases beneath my breath. Dark memories surface as I recall my time in the castle. Guardians older than I was who would’ve liked to take advantage. Experiences that made me harder than ever. The way Haman watched me, as if he was waiting for the right moment to pounce. I shudder. He never got his way, thank the stars. But knowing what he wanted was enough to make a girl crazy. Every time I walked down the hall I’d be looking over my shoulder, never fully trusting anyone aside from myself.
“Ebony.”
Why does my name on his lips make my soul dance? When did I become so sentimental? I’m starting to sound like El. Perhaps that’s not such a bad thing.
This is becoming too close for comfort. I force myself to step away, knowing the boy who keeps weeding his way in won’t give up so easily. Still, I need some air.
“I’ll be back.”
I don’t wait for him to answer, just walk and walk and walk some more until I’m far enough I can pull my head back down from the stupid clouds it’s floated into. Doesn’t matter. Because the look on his face when I glanced back at him said it all.
I’ll be waiting, he mouthed.
I squeeze my eyes shut. That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.
TWENTY-SIX
Ky
Dawn blinks as we move into the third day without Em going on a lifetime. How do people keep living apart from loved ones who end up missing for years? We’re approaching seventy-two hours apart come nightfall, and the hole in my chest only continues to gape.
Nabka Compound is a ghost town. The dome-like octagonal homes appear as boulders in the desert. Weeds thrive, running over the paths, making it unclear if there are any at all. Not a soul peers out a window or exits a home to investigate the newcomers. It’s different from Wichgreen Village or even the Fourth, where residents were curious but remained at a distance until they knew we meant no harm. Nabka is just forgotten and looks to have been for some time. Which tells me something about the Threshold we seek. That I may have been wrong. Perhaps it’s been gone awhile and the people here simply moved on.
“Well, that’s just great,” I grunt, low enough so no one can hear me. No need to worry them. Yet.
What next? The nearest compound over is Uptuck, at least a two-day journey. Do they even have a Threshold? The map Dahlia provided at the cottage didn’t record one. Then again, that’s not saying much. We might have hope if there’s nothing left for us here. We can’t give up. If it takes me forever, I will find the Second’s queen. Good things come to those who, what is it, wait? Nah. I say good things come to those who go and get them. The end.