A man and a woman drive up. In a car together.
Check in together. Have a room together. It’s only happened about a million times…
Ms. Mercury rolls her eyes. Then she shakes her head. Then she laughs to herself.
(pointing to F.X.R.)
This man could no sooner be my half of an “item” than I could fart toast.
Oh, I’m gonna steal that.
As Ms. Mercury says, we have an employer-employee relationship that is proper in every way.
If he isn’t sleeping on the couch, and he isn’t because he’s never slept on a couch, I sure as hell am!
Okay.
(then)
You a gay lesbian, Ms. Mercury?
No, I’m not that fashionable. I’m just single.
No man in your life?
Look… Let me explain this aspect of my life to two relative strangers, as nice as you are.
(then)
A man would complicate my life in the extreme. I need a man right now like your chicken coop needs a satellite dish. I am unattached, connected to no one. The day will come when I chuck it all and bid my boss adieu, and go for the mate, the kids, the hand-made Halloween costumes, all of it. Until then, I’m happily solo, working for this guy…
(F.X.R.—who nods)
Who drives me nuts but can take a joke. I’m making good bank and I see the world, from Tasmania to this lovely inn. I. Have no room. For a boyfriend.
Things are silent for a beat.
Then there’s my answer.
And another beat. The quiet is all-encompassing, beautiful.
Listen to that.
To what? I don’t hear anything.
You’re not listening.
I sure as hell am.
The quiet. He means listen to the quiet.
Oh.
(she does)
I am really trying here… but I don’t hear anything.
The only time I feel like this quiet makes me feel is…
(whenever it is he keeps it to himself)
And it never lasts.
It does around here.
I’ve come to marvel in its totality. No matter the problems or worries, there’s solace in the quiet of the night.
Phil looks at his wife. F.X.R. also looks at Bea. Ms. Mercury looks out into the night.
Oh. I hear it now. Nothing. You mean the sound of nothing.
(she listens)
Ooh. Aah.
A distant CAR HORN honks. Headlights appear, and a panel truck pulls into the motel lot.
So much for that.
That’s Tommy Boyer.
With that part for Bachelorette Number One’s car.
(to Ms. Mercury)
Since you’re not fashionable, you might like Tommy.
(more eye rolling)
Gosh, let me fix my hair…
(calling)
Tommy!
From out of a truck comes TOMMY BOYER. He is the most gorgeous male creature on the planet Earth.
That’s Tommy Boyer?
(she is transfixed)
My lord…
She immediately starts primping her hair.
Oh my. My my my…
He loves to cook.
(licking her hair into place)
Are. You. Shitting. Me?
The great Tommy Boyer approaches. He carries an engine part.
Evening, Bea. Folks.
You eat, Tommy?
I did, thanks. You call for an old GM fuel pump, Phil?
Yep. For this little lady right here.
Everyone can see that Ms. Mercury is smitten with Tommy.
Hi.
(giddy)
Howdy-oo-doody-doo!
Car problems, huh?
Yes indeedy. Terrible that pesky little car problems with of mine.
That it over there? The Buick.
Is it a Buick? Yes. Our sad, bad broken Buick…
Let’s see if we can’t get ’er running.
Okeydokey. I’ll come pop the hood…
(whispers to Bea)
I keep talking like a six-year-old. Help me.
Tommy divorced three years ago. Has a little girl. Gave up smoking last summer. Reads a lot.
Got it. Thanks.
Off she goes with Tommy Boyer.
Once again, the Motel Olympus works its magic spell.
(rising)
I’m going to clean up. You men waste time like you always do when women start cleaning up.
Okay.
(then to F.X.R.)
Care to patrol the perimeter?
EXT. MOTEL OLYMPUS—EDGE OF PROPERTY—NIGHT
Out on the perimeter of the motel property, Phil and F.X.R. walk.
(pointing)
I was hoping to do something with those ten acres over there, but nothing ever came of it. I once almost put in a snake hut.
A snake hut?
Yeah. We’d have signs out on Eighty-eight—“Visit the Snake Hut: 140 miles.” “Snake Hut: 62 miles. Air-Conditioned!” But then Bea pointed out that I knew very little about raising snakes. So, we just made do with the motel.
It’s a lovely motel. An hospitable little place. I love the name.
Can’t stay here 24/7 without going nuts. One day a week, each of us gets a solo trip to Chesterton to go to the bank, do some shopping. Use the wi-fi at Theo’s Coffee Hutch. Connect to the outside world a couple of hours a week.
(wistful)
That’s the way to do it.
(recovers his“folksy” personality)
If I ever get one of those laptop computer pads, I’ll try that.
Phil eyes F.X.R. as they walk.
What middle name starts with X? Other than Xavier?
(then)
Francis Xavier Rustan.
F.X.R. stops. Knows he’s been busted.
Bea fingered you, when you signed the register. F.X.R. You ever heard the phrase ‘nom-dee-plume’?