“Whatever are you referring to?” I sass.
“Fuck!” I jump at his harsh reply. “Don’t do this Kate. Don’t play this off and pretend everything’s fine when we both know it’s not.”
“What do you want me to say, Jon? Oh, it’s cool we keep ending up in bed together and you’ve assumed I’m a slut the entire time. No, please, let me apologize and make you feel better.” I roll my eyes.
“Damn it, you know that’s not what I want.” His laborious breaths spur my anger. So now he wants to share feelings and have a rational conversation. I don’t feel forgiving at the moment. I practically shout my reply.
“What is it you want, Jon? Because I’m going to tell you right now, I’m not sure I can get past this. You really thought I was fucking Trent and I’d still hook up with you? Does that make you feel like a strong, powerful man? Was the chase good for you?”
“No. That’s not it. Stop putting words in my mouth. I want to know why. Why do you let everyone assume you hook up with tons of guys? Why would that be okay?” He’s shouting in my face.
“Because it’s easier than the truth!” I scream, and instantly wish I could reel the words back in my mouth. Jon closes the space between us and roughly grabs my arms.
“And what’s that, Kate? What’s the truth? Why the front?” I push at his chest. I need him outside my personal space, but the touch of skin on skin burns. I drop my hands and look away, my focus on the salt and pepper shakers across the counter.
“Look at me.” He grips my chin in his fingers and forces our eyes to meet. “Tell me,” he whispers. But I can’t.
“I don’t want to tell you. You haven’t earned it.” In defeat, I whisper the only truth I’m able to share. “Please let me go.” He steps back, drops his hands. A frown twists his features.
Pushing off the counter, I grab my mat. I don’t want to prolong the awkward silence.
“Kate.” He calls from the kitchen. My steps falter and I pause, but I don’t turn to face him. “Where’s your car?” Not what I’m expecting, but it’s a question I can answer with ease.
“Still in the shop. I had to give back the rental.”
“When do you get your car back?”
“Friday.”
“I’ll drive you to work this week.” I turn to meet his intense, sharp glare.
“Jon. You don’t need to do that. I’ve been taking the bus—”
“No. I’ll drive you. At least give me that.” He stalks towards me and I cower, not from fear of him, but of myself and how easily he steals my resolve. I breathe a sigh of relief when he brushes by and heads toward the shower.
I need to get out of here, at least for the afternoon. I wish I could talk to Evie, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to bring her into this. A small part of me wonders if she’ll have my back or side with Jon. She’s friends with us both. It’s not fair to force the choice, so I don’t call her.
I pad back to my room. The mat drops by the bed and I flop onto the cushiony down comforter and reach for the phone. I scroll through my endless contacts. I could call any of them and they’d meet me for happy hour. But in this long list of friends there’s no one I can call to talk this out with. No one I trust. And that’s the kicker. It’s me. I’m broken. I can’t find it in myself to open up fully and let someone in.
There’s one contact I do trust. One I haven’t used for years, and as my finger hovers over the name I almost don’t tap the screen. No. I need this. I tap and hold the speaker to my ear. This is best. I take a deep breath before a familiar voice sounds across the line. “Yeah, this is Kate Bryant. Do you have time to meet?” I pop off the bed and slide into a pair of sandals. I grab my bag on the way out, and pause at the bathroom door. The water’s still running. Good. I’ll make my escape before I have to concoct some lame excuse.
“WHAT’S GOT YOUR PANTIES IN a twist, Beltran? Or should I ask who?”
“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Alex.” I cradle my phone between my shoulder and ear and check off my list of supplies as I pack them into the large duffle. I try giving this call more attention. Her voice mocks though the line.
“So enlighten me, Sergeant.” I roll my eyes and huff a frustrated breath. I hate that she can read me hundreds of miles away within minutes of our call.
“I don’t have time for feelings and shit right now. I’ve got a full night of surveillance, so unless you called for a reason other than busting my balls, maybe you spit it out before I hang up.”
“Well, if you’re going to be an asshole I’ll just catch you another—”
“I’m sorry. I’m being a dick. It’s not your fault.”
“What’s going on?”
“Nada. Just one shitty week followed by another shitty weekend.” Liar. There were moments this past weekend that made me feel more pleasure, more affection, and more pride than I’ve felt since I can remember. But all that’s gone to shit. Kate’s been a fucking ice queen, treating me like the chauffer I volunteered to be. I glance at my watch. I’ll need to leave in a few minutes to pick her up from work.
“What’s going on with you? Everything okay?”
“Yeah.” Alex sighs, and silence fills the line. Something’s up. She doesn’t call to shoot the shit.
“What is it?”
“I just—I don’t know. It’s dumb and girly and needy. And you know I don’t do those well.” I chuckle as I zip the duffle and head out the door.
“Yeah, it’s okay that you’re a woman, Alex. I won’t hold it against you.”
“I just needed to hear your voice. To make sure you’re okay. Ever since Will—” I reach my truck, toss in the bag. I close my eyes and Will’s smiling face flashes before me. Silence stretches. I know. I know what she means because he hasn’t left my mind, either. I start my truck and crank the AC.
“See, told you. Girly. Needy.”
“Nah, stop. I miss him too. So fucking much.” I choke out the words, barely able as a wave of sadness crashes down. The feeling is almost suffocating.
“I started seeing someone.”
“Like dating? Good for you.” Her laughter fills my ears.
“No, dumbass. Like a psychiatrist. To work through my grief.” We don’t usually talk feelings. Her bluntness makes me uncomfortable.
“Oh.”
“Yeah. It’s really helping, Jon.”
“I’m happy for you. That’s good.”
“So…” she draws out. I don’t have time for guessing games.
“Just spit it out, Private.”
“I think you should start seeing a counselor too.”
“Hmph.”
“Yeah. And I know you really hate being told what to do, but sometimes when you love someone you have to call them out. So here’s me, calling you out, saying you need to talk to someone. I swear to God if you don’t and something happens to you like it did to Will I’m going to resuscitate you just so I can kill you myself.” I laugh at the absurdity of her statement.
“Okay, okay. I’ll think about it.”
“You’re not just saying that to shut me up?” Scary how well she knows me.
“Maybe a little. But I’ll consider it. For you. And Alex?”
“Yeah?”
“You don’t have to worry about me. I’m not going to hurt myself. As depressed as I’ll ever be—I promise I’ll never take that route. I’ve seen firsthand what that does to those left behind. As bad as it ever gets, I’ll never be that selfish.”
“Okay. But, Jon?” I can tell she’s not done giving her two cents. I roll my eyes even though she can’t see me.
“Yes, Alex?”
“There are other ways of hurting yourself. You deserve to find peace. So think about it, ’kay?” She sparks a truth I’m not comfortable thinking about, let alone discussing.