I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I should have done.
I duck my head and take a step backward, away from him, toward the car.
“I just think you should think about it, is all,” he says, insistently. “Maybe do some practicing on your own, try to figure out how it works.” He takes a step toward me, his eyes glittering in the reflected light from the street lamp. “I know if it was me, I’d feel a lot better having some control over what was happening to me.”
I feel a surge of anger. Even though part of me wants to tell him everything, he seems to already know everything.
“Like I said, it’s my business.” I face him with my arms crossed. We glare at each other silently for a minute, and then I’m not angry any more, but deadly calm. In that next moment, I see something in his eyes that looks like hurt, and I feel something—some kind of burning intensity of emotion that I don’t know how to interpret.
—have to—
if I could just—she has to understand—
There’s a bitter orange-rind taste on my tongue. Then, as quickly as I felt it, the flash of emotion is gone. Like his expression, all I get is a blank. He smiles. It doesn’t reach his eyes.
I shiver. Suddenly I’m freezing, and I pull the sleeves of my sweater over my hands. But I continue staring daggers at him, because it doesn’t matter what he’s thinking, or even what he’s feeling. It matters what he did. “You owe me an apology.”
“I know,” he finally says. “I’m sorry. I should have asked you before telling Rennie about it. I didn’t know they’d put you on the spot like that.” He puts his hand on my shoulder for a second and then lets it fall back to his side. I don’t jerk away this time, but I’m still angry.
“Yeah, you should have asked,” I say. And Mikaela should have asked before telling him. “Let’s just drop it. I’m going to go. Can you give Mikaela a ride home?”
“Yeah, but she wants to talk to you first. She feels bad.”
She should feel bad. I’m almost too furious to talk to her, but I guess I should give her a chance to explain herself.
Cody goes back in to get Mikaela. I linger outside, wishing I’d caught more than that momentary glimpse into his mind. He’s always so guarded. And I’m never a hundred percent calm around him, can never quite focus properly, no matter how hard I try.
“Sunny!” I turn slowly. “Leaving without telling me?” Mikaela’s falsely cheerful tone gets on my nerves. I stand there, not moving, keys dangling in my hand.
“You don’t mind me staying a little longer, right?” Mi-kaela says, tentatively. “I can hitch a ride back with someone. I always wanted to ride a broomstick.”
I don’t laugh.
“Sunny, talk to me! I know it was kind of a weird scene in there, but it wasn’t that bad, was it?” She sounds hopeful, like she wants to hear me say it’s all okay. But it isn’t okay. I want to hear her apologize, want to know that she feels bad. My hands ball up into fists.
“You told Cody,” I say, my voice shrill. “I trusted you. How could you think it was okay to tell him? You didn’t even ask me.” There’s total silence for about a minute, while I stare out at the darkened parking lot and Mikaela looks down at her feet.
Finally, she looks up. “I don’t know why you’re making such a big thing out of this,” she says. “It’s not like anything bad happened.”
“A big thing?” I look at her in shock. I can’t believe she has the nerve to sound annoyed. My head throbs.
“Yeah, a big thing! It’s just Cody, for Christ’s sake. I didn’t think you’d care if I told him. But hey, I’m sorry. It just kind of slipped out.”
“I didn’t want you to tell anybody! Not Cody, and definitely not anyone else. This isn’t just a ‘fun party trick.’ It’s serious, and I’m scared.” I cross my arms tightly across my chest. “I didn’t ask for any of this. It’s a problem I might have to live with for the rest of my life!” I feel an eerie echo of Shiri’s voice in my words, and I take a breath to calm myself down.
“I already apologized. I don’t know what more you want.” Mikaela says. She stares sullenly out at the dark parking lot.
“I want tonight to have never happened. I don’t want anyone to know! I don’t want Cody to think I’m a freak.” I pace back and forth, gritting my teeth.
“He doesn’t think you’re a freak,” she says, exasperated. “Who even cares what he thinks, anyway? This is all his fault.”
“Yeah, but … ” She’s right—this is his fault. Not all of it, but some of it. I think about the warm feeling of Cody’s hand on my arm, his distinctive smell of clove cigarettes and soap, his smile. Then I think about how he told the Wiccans about me; how he stole the Magic 8 Ball without even thinking twice about it. How he brought me into a totally uncomfortable situation without even telling me what was going to happen. Maybe Spike was right about him. I sigh heavily.
“You like him, don’t you?” Mikaela says suddenly. Her voice goes hard and flat. “That explains a lot.” Her shoulders sag, and she leans against the lamppost behind her.
The silence stretches on for what seems like an eternity. I’m not even completely sure how I feel about Cody, but I still can’t help feeling drawn to him. I don’t know what to tell her. And her accusatory tone isn’t helping. “You LIKE him, don’t you?” Like she’s one to talk.
“We’re just friends. It’s not like anything’s going on.”
“Yeah, whatever,” Mikaela says. “You’re mad at me, but you’re all worried about what he’s going to think of you? It’s so obvious.” She picks idly at the bracelet I gave her earlier that evening. “You know, you could’ve told me you like him. Isn’t that what friends are supposed to do, share important feelings and bullshit like that?”
“I don’t know how I feel, okay?”
“Sure you don’t.” Her voice is bitter. “I told you about my mom. My family. I don’t just tell that to everyone. That’s important to me. I shared that with you.” I hear her take a deep, shaky breath. “The least you could do is be straight with me about liking Cody. If you can’t even be honest about that, how do I know you told me the truth about anything else? How do I know you didn’t just make it up for attention?”
I jerk my head up to glare at her. I know she’s just angry, that she can’t possibly mean it, but I can’t seem to control myself.
“I don’t need attention,” I say in a furious whisper. My voice is raw and rough. “I don’t want attention. That’s why this whole night was such a disaster. You don’t understand what it’s been like for me. Nobody does! Those stupid people at the party have no idea. Obviously you don’t, either.”
“Are you saying I’m stupid?” Her voice is dangerously quiet.
“I’m not saying you’re stupid. I’m just saying you don’t understand.”
“Oh, I understand. I understand a lot. I understand you want other people to feel sorry for you and all your problems. Well, other people have problems, too, and if you really could read minds or whatever, you’d know that.”
I stand there, stunned. Mikaela almost flings herself back in the direction of the bookstore and disappears inside.
I don’t watch her go.
I don’t sit there wallowing in my problems.
I don’t even think about what’s going to happen now that Cody knows my secret.