By 7.45, my nerves were setting in. I hadn’t seen James for days. We were about to see each other and I couldn’t wait. My heart was racing. I didn’t know how I was going to control myself and stick to the plan that was now starting to seem stupid and reckless. At 7.55, I ran to my window. Sure enough, a black car had just pulled up. The driver’s door opened and a man ran to the back of the car with an umbrella, opening the door. Richard got out, dressed quite formally. I instantly felt ill. This idea of mine had just become real! What was I supposed to say to him when I didn’t leave with him and ran into James’s arms instead? Will he know he was set up and that I am an awful person who doesn’t care about his feelings? My head started to spin for a second — a second that I didn’t have to spare. I quickly moved away from the window, grabbed my empty bag and headed down to the foyer once there I could now see the three of them standing in the foyer just as planned. Richard was facing my way, James had his back to me and Dr Simons was off to the side, between these two giants.
“James, good evening,” Richard said, as he was straightening his jacket. “You look rather tired,” he continued.
“Why are you here?” James asked bluntly.
“Me? I have come to collect someone.”
“Mark?”
“No, not Mark… Catherine, actually.”
As he said those words my heart, mouth and bag dropped to the floor. With the sound of my bag smacking on the floor, all eyes slowly turned to me. Richard spotted me first, then Dr Simons and lastly James. I was looking at James and only James. Our eyes never strayed. My heart strangely started to beat slower rather than faster, as if I was dying.
I wish.
The shock and regret in his stare wounded me I didn’t know what to say or do. I just stood there, numb to it all. James’s eyes slowly left mine and went to the floor.
“Michael, please take Catherine’s bag to the car,” Richard said to his driver.
“No… I will,” James announced. He proceeded to walk towards me with slow and heavy steps.
Why is he offering to take my bag? Why isn’t he telling Richard that I won’t be going?
I started fidgeting as James approached me. My nerves were obvious for all to see. Dr Simons had started a conversation with Richard, to distract him, I guess. But it wouldn’t be enough. I needed more time and some privacy to speak with James. It was too late. James was now standing directly in front of me. He had blocked my view of everyone. His lips were slightly opened, but nothing came out. I could see he was holding back. I tried with all the strength that I had in me not to cry but it wasn’t enough. I could feel my eyes starting to swell.
“This could be a good thing,” he whispered.
“Are you mad!? James, make this stop… I don’t want to go!” I said with my voice trembling, “Help me!” I cried.
After a slight pause, he replied.
“I am.” His voice was full of sadness. He reached out and grabbed my bag. He looked at me, confused. Embarrassed and inconsolable I snatched my bag from him.
“Catherine?” he questioned, obviously noticing that my bag was light.
“I wasn’t supposed to go,” I whimpered.
“Catherine, we should be going. I have made dinner reservations!” Richard called out from across the hall.
I wiped my tears as I walked away, helpless. Richard and the driver were now outside. I walked past Dr Simons and looking down, I shook my head with disappointment. I turned back to see if James was looking at me, but he wasn’t. He had his back turned to me, so I made my way to the car to leave.
“You are so beautiful,” Richard said to me as he opened the car door.
“Thank you,” I replied sadly. Knowing there were tears in my eyes, I looked away and avoided eye contact.
As the car drove off, I felt empty and alone. My plan hadn’t worked.
Does James want me to be with Richard?
Here I was, feeling sorry for everyone because there was a chance they could be hurt by me, but the only person I should have felt sorry for was me. I sat close to the door and stared out the window for the entire journey. I didn’t make any conversation with Richard at all. I knew I was being rude, but I didn’t care. I had no one to impress.
I put my arm around my stomach and tried to relieve the dull feeling that I had. Richard noticed straight away and looked at me alarmed.
“Are you unwell?” he asked, concerned.
I took a deep breath.
“Tired I guess. I don’t think I could eat anything this evening,” I mumbled. At least I had the courtesy to look him in the eyes.
“I understand,” he replied, with a warm smile. I nodded and then went back to my window.
What did he understand? Did he understand that I was heartbroken? That I didn’t want be here with him? That he was just part of a plan to make James jealous? Or did he just understand that I was not in the mood to eat?
The car slowed down considerably. We were now driving through a small town. The road was narrow; there were many boutiques but not many people out and about. I tried to resist the town’s charm but I couldn’t, it was so beautiful. The first street we went down was lined with identical English terraces, one after the other. It looked like something out of Mary Poppins. I felt like I knew this area, and knew it well. I continued to stare out the window, enjoying the scenery. The streets were immaculately clean. As we passed laneways, I could see restaurants and shops and people walking around. I felt a rush of excitement being in this beautiful place. I could see Richard smiling out of the corner of my eye. I supposed he was happy to see me rejoin the human race.
“Would you like to go for a walk down the main street?” Richard asked.
With anyone else, I wouldn’t have hesitated to say yes.
“Oh I don’t know,” I stupidly answered.
“It’s only a short walk and it’s not raining. It would be ludicrous if we didn’t!”
He smiled as he nodded to his driver, who immediately pulled over to the side. Richard’s door was opened and he got out. I still had not decided if I wanted to go or not, but despite this, Richard’s hand was now stretched out to help me out. I gave him my hand and got out of the car. The air was fresh and frosty and the wind brushed my face. I closed my eyes for a second to enjoy the purity of the breeze. When I opened my eyes, Richard was standing close to me. Staring down at me with a smile, I brushed my hair away from my face and walked around him.
“Shall we?” he said as he bent his arm for me to hold onto. Remembering Mary Poppins and the innocence of the movie, I grabbed onto his arm.
“Are you cold? Should I grab your jacket for you?”
“No! I mean, um… I didn’t really pack one. I was rushed and I forgot quite a few things. I’m not cold,” I lied.
“Excuse me, Catherine. I need to have a word with my driver, won’t be a minute.”
While Richard spoke with the driver, I tried to imagine myself in Sydney on a hot summer’s day, sweating and frying in the heat, in an attempt to feel warm. It didn’t work. I was so cold my body was now trembling.
Having finished speaking to the driver, Richard grabbed my arm with a smile and showed me the way. We started to walk through the streets that he knew well. The whole area was all in the same type of stone, similar to sandstone, and the streets were quiet. Not many people were walking around. The air was icy cold and I was sure Richard must have noticed my arm shaking. Surprisingly, the boutiques were high-end and all still trading at this late hour. With modern cafés and restaurants, the buildings were very deceiving. There was a blend of old and new boutiques, a little old-fashioned sweet shop and antique furniture shops. I felt like we had stepped back in time.