VALUING THE FAMILY: THE IMPORTANCE OF KINSHIP
It would be hard to overstate the importance of family to the Drivers. The Driver children’s lives are also deeply interwoven with those of their extended family. They each have cousins their own age and sex. Wendy’s two best friends are her cousins Rosie and Rebecca, who live a few doors away. She sees her maternal grandparents, who also live within walking distance, every day and enjoys these visits. She is obviously fond of her relatives. On Easter Sunday morning, for instance, she telephones her grandmother and sings “You Are My Sunshine” to her. Her grandfather often picks Wendy up after school. As Ms. Driver explains, both grandparents and great-grandparents provide after-school care for the children:
My son goes to my mother’s house with his grandfather and his great-grandmother, and Wendy goes to her great-grandmother who lives two doors up from my parents’ house and she stays there until I get home from work . . . She sees them every day.
Wendy’s mother notes, “Me and mom call each other at least every other day, if not more. Just to see how I’m feeling or what she’s been up to.” When Ms. Driver’s mother turned fifty, she surprised her by hiring a stripper; when she turned sixty, Ms. Driver threw her a party that included a professional singer. In addition to the frequent contact she has with her parents, Ms. Driver sees her siblings (all male) regularly. She also talks to and spends time with a cousin whom she describes as “like a sister.”
Along with Ms. Driver’s extended family, Wendy and Willie’s paternal relatives are mentioned frequently and visited regularly. Their father’s brothers (“the uncles”), sister, and parents attend Wendy’s and Willie’s birthday parties and are invited to all other major family events. Finally, Mr. Fallon’s family is a newly emerging part of the Drivers’ daily lives. Mr. Fallon has no contact with his father, but he talks to his mother daily. She visits often and is willing to baby-sit her new grandchildren as needed. Mr. Fallon is also in regular contact with his sisters. One, Sara, lives around the corner; she and her children come by the house frequently. His other sister lives in South Carolina; Mr. Fallon sends her coupons from the newspaper each week.
Daily conversation in the Driver home is peppered with references to relatives, upcoming kin events, past events involving relatives, and episodes in the lives of various members of the extended family.5 Wendy’s First Holy Communion party (which took place when she was in second grade) comes up repeatedly. Family members are also likely to bring up the topic of an upcoming family event: Wendy is eagerly anticipating her role as a junior bridesmaid in her paternal aunt’s wedding party. She is very excited by the prospect of wearing a very short, straight, hot-pink, off-the-shoulder silk dress and having her hair and nails done for the event. Another common topic of conversation is Valerie’s baptism, which will occur during the summer. Ms. Driver and Mr. Fallon plan to invite about a hundred relatives to celebrate the christening at a catered gathering to be held in a nearby hall.
Unlike in the Tallinger family, where no one seemed concerned that Garrett planned to skip his cousin’s graduation party, family events are of the utmost importance to the Drivers. This has its downside. With so many relatives planning so many parties and gatherings, scheduling conflicts are inevitable. So, too, are “hurt feelings,” as Mr. Fallon explains during a discussion over breakfast one morning before schooclass="underline"
“There’s a wedding and a First Communion that day. My cousin has a wedding, and then my brother’s kid is making the First Communion . . . and we’re going to the Communion—there’ll be some feelings hurt.” Debbie adds, “Yeah, but it’s between a brother and a cousin, so. . . . ” (She trailed off, implying that the field-worker would automatically understand which is the more important engagement.)
Given the number of relatives in the extended Driver and Fallon families and the frequency with which they interact, it isn’t surprising that misunderstandings and miscommunications arise from time to time. One problem Ms. Driver and Mr. Fallon contend with is the influence Wendy and Willie’s deceased father’s brothers (“the uncles”) have on the children, especially Willie. These men, as well as Ms. Driver’s own brothers, are unimpressive role models, as Mr. Fallon makes clear, yelling at Willie one Saturday morning: “You want to be like your uncles? Jobless? You want to be like your uncles?” Willie’s mother worries about “the uncles,” too. Watching a television talk show about “skinheads,” she comments:
“This is what I have to look forward to. Willie’s thirteen now. I’ll have to start worrying whether he’ll be in a gang.” I say, “Are you worried he’ll join a gang?” Debbie responds, “Well, he is a follower. He’s a good kid, but he’s a follower. His uncles are a bad influence on him. Like at the wedding, his youngest uncle, Uncle Petey, told him he could have a beer.”
ORGANIZATION OF DAILY LIFE
Because Ms. Driver does not know how to drive, she relies on Mr. Fallon for transportation to accomplish family-related chores. Wendy and Willie usually accompany their mother on these outings. Thus, the family spends time together as a unit as Mr. Fallon drives them to the store to shop for groceries, to K-mart to buy school clothes (on layaway), to the mall (to window shop), and, in bad weather, to the homes of local family members to visit. When Mr. Fallon works the weekend shift, the rhythm of family life is radically altered. Ms. Driver and the children are able to walk to local stores, however, as well as to Wendy’s dance lessons and religious instruction.
In general, the ebb and flow of the children’s lives is left to them to control. Like Katie Brindle and Harold McAllister, Wendy and Willie Driver spend time hanging out with their cousins and neighborhood friends, watching television, playing games, helping with household chores, and accompanying the adults on errands. As in these other families, there are clear and decisive boundaries between adults and children. When the adults want to talk, for example, they simply tell Wendy and Willie to go out of the room; the children, without protest, get up and go. Lastly, there are significant gender differences in what the two children are allowed to do. Ms. Driver restricts her daughter’s freedom:
Willie can go out. He goes to friends’ houses, and he goes to places by himself. Whereas she is outside that door—and if I call her, she has to be [able to] hear me. If not, forget it. I won’t even let her walk to the store, a block and a half away. I will not let her walk a block and a half by herself.6
Similarly, only Wendy is required to participate in organized activities.7Compared to children in the other working-class and poor families we observed, she is unusually busy. Each week, she has a dance lesson, a Catholic class in religious instruction (CCD), and school choir practice. Unlike her middle-class counterparts, however, Wendy does not take part in these activities in order to cultivate her talents, develop her social skills, or enlarge her circle of friends. When asked what she thinks Wendy is getting from her involvement in dance class, Ms. Driver says simply:
Grace. And I guess just remembering her dances. She has no one else to depend on but herself to memorize them, and she memorizes them.
Similarly, when asked about the CCD instruction, Wendy’s mother does not, as Alex Williams’s mother would, emphasize the intellectual stimulation the classes provide. She sends Wendy to CCD because she wants to make sure that her daughter is able to be a godmother and “has a religion.” She elaborates this point, saying:
This way she’ll have all her sacraments. Even though I can’t afford a Catholic school, at least she’s getting her religion. She’s getting it this way.