There were many ways that Ms. Yanelli complied with school standards. For example, it was important to Little Billy’s parents that he do well academically. His mother monitored his homework to make sure that it was done. When buying clothes for the fall, she was careful to comply with school guidelines. The mother attended all parent-teacher conferences and even, at times, contacted the school when concerned about a problem. At times, however, the parents were defiant of school regulations. Little Billy’s parents, for example, encouraged him to defend himself on the playground in direct opposition to school rules. During fourth grade, tired of hearing that Little Billy was being pummeled by another white boy in his classroom, Mr. Yanelli and his uncle taught him how to fight and instructed him to go to school the next day to “get the job done.” When Little Billy was suspended, the parents remained pleased by Little Billy’s hitting, although his actions were in direct violation of school rules. Ms. Franklin, the school counselor at Lower Richmond, to whom Ms. Yanelli reported this story, was infuriated, as she recounted:
I felt he was being given the wrong message . . . that this was acceptable behavior. And I said that to her. That’s really giving him the wrong message . . . I tried to explain that even though I could appreciate the fact that she wanted him to stand up for himself, that this kind of behavior—fighting—is against school rules. There are people here, if he is having a problem, who will help him. By the same token, Billy has to take responsibility for how he triggers aggressive behaviors in other children.
Ms. Franklin, while noting that Ms. Yanelli “was not unique in her attitude” felt that to “give a child permission to fight” gives him “carte blanche . . . anytime any minor thing happens.” The counselor also objected to the traditional division of labor, wherein Mr. Yanelli was not involved in child care for Billy (a very common pattern in earlier decades). She found the family to be deficient in this arena as welclass="underline" “I certainly don’t think that it [his father’s lack of involvement] helps Billy at all. First of all, I think parents need to work together in terms of raising children. I think again it gives Billy the wrong message.”
These differences in parents’ relationships to school—in other words, in the degree of continuity or distance between the culture of child rearing at home and the standards encoded in the school—appeared to surface regularly in family life. As with Wendy Driver’s parents, working-class parents such as the Yanellis experienced a sense of distance and distrust, of exclusion and risk, with schools. While both appeared relaxed, chatty, and friendly with other service providers, including the person from whom Ms. Yanelli got her money orders and lottery tickets on Saturday morning, restaurant personnel, and receptionists, they both appeared to be distrustful of the school. Indeed, Ms. Yanelli “hated it” and often felt bullied.
I found a note in his school bag this morning and it said, I’m going to kill you because you didn’t give me what I wanted and, uh, you’re dead and mother-f-er and your mother is this and your father is that and your grandmom is this. So, I started shaking. I couldn’t even wait until 9:00. I just said, oh, my God, I don’t believe this. Now, Billy is always getting in trouble for doing things but when it comes to the other kids doing it to him, it’s a different story. And I was all ready to go over there prepared for the counselor and to say, yea, I’m tryin’ because I am and I got so upset I went over there and said, like, what about these other kids and what they do and they said the reason they do what they do to Billy is because Billy makes them do it. So they had an answer for everything.
Compared to Ms. Marshall, or even Ms. Handlon, who felt relatively effectual in school interactions, Ms. Yanelli found herself completely powerless and frustrated:
INTERVIEWER: So how did you feel about that answer?
MS. YANELLI: I hate the school. I hate it. I tried to get him into Catholic. I have a girlfriend who has a little boy who has the same problems and she put him in Catholic School and his whole life turned around. But, Big Bill isn’t Catholic and they said they didn’t have any room for him so it’s like, every day of my life I’m struggling to get this kid straightened out. It’s my life. It’s every day. I’m at work and I’m thinking, what’s going on? Uh, what can I do tomorrow to make things better? It’s just a constant thing.
Ms. Yanelli keenly felt her lower social status, as she expressed after a parent-teacher conference with Mr. Tier, Billy’s fourth-grade teacher:
I wanted to ask why he pulls Billy’s hair. Why does he pick up Billy’s book and throw it across the classroom and say, “You’re too slow.” . . . I didn’t get to talk about the things that I wanted to talk about . . . I’m not very professional. I can’t use the words I want to use. Just because they are professional doesn’t (voice drops) mean that they are so smart.3
Mr. Yanelli shared her frustration, expressing the view that “they” would not give Billy a fair shake since they had decided he was a problematic student. Had the Yanellis reared Billy according to the logic of concerted cultivation, they may still have had problems with him at home and at school. But the strategies they used created more distance, distrust, and difficulty in their relationship with educators than occurred in the case of Ms. Marshall, for example, or other middle-class families. Ms. Yanelli did not feel that she had the “words” to “talk about” what she wanted to cover in conferences. Instead, she felt powerless and constrained.
WORRYING ABOUT BEING TURNED IN
This general feeling of unease with the school would, at times, explode into a crisis when the physical discipline practiced at home made them vulnerable for intervention by the school. In family life, the Yanellis gave directives: “Billy don’t do that” or “Billy cut it out.” They often did not provide reasons. Even when they did provide reasons, they were much briefer than in the Tallinger family. Parents did not, for example, draw out Billy and encourage him to think through the implications for himself. Instead, the parents stated the explanation in a brief fashion (if they provided one at all). Moreover, Ms. Yanelli (who did virtually all of the disciplining) found it helpful to pick up a belt when Billy was exasperating her. This fundamental strategy for child rearing—directives and physical punishment—was not in keeping with the standards promoted by professionals. For example, on this Wednesday in early May, Ms. Yanelli quarreled with her son over his homework. He was working (with the television on) in a slow-paced fashion at 8:00 P.M., although he had started much earlier.
MOM: Billy, please finish that homework. It’s 8:00 almost. I’m going to shut the TV off. What number are you on? What time did you start your homework?
BILLY: 5:00.
MOM: If you started at 5:00 you should be done at 6:00.
MOM: Billy answer me. Tell me where you’re at. (She sounded upset.)
A bit later, Little Billy finished his homework and began a game of Scrabble with his mother and the researcher. This became the source of a new conflict:
MOM: It’ll be time for your shower when you’re finished.
BILLY: We’re playing Scrabble.
MOM: You’re getting a shower. Then you can play Scrabble. (Mom’s voice was loud and she sounded angry.)
Billy finishes his homework and his mother, the field-worker, and Billy begin a game of Scrabble. Before the game is done, Ms. Yanelli tells Billy it is time for his shower. He ignores. After repeatedly telling Billy to get in the shower his mother got out a belt.
MOM: Billy shower. I don’t care if [you] cry, scream.
BILLY: We’re not done [with the Scrabble game].
MOM: You’re done. Finish your homework earlier.
(Billy stays seated.)