Middle-class parents would likely find it difficult to be in a situation where their children were only “one step ahead of the cheetah.” Likewise, most middle-class youth in that situation would likely seek the comfort of their parents’ interventions. In many of the working-class and poor families, however, both parents and youth conceptualized young adults as “grown,” and therefore capable of solving (most of) their own problems. For example, although, as noted earlier, Wendy declined to attend Alvernia, the small Catholic college where she had been accepted, she did decide to enroll at the local community college.
I even applied to Community. I was going to Community in January. I had applied. I went down. They wanted me to go to night schooclass="underline" it was a whole free [learning disability] program, and I had to go for six months.
Unfortunately, these initial efforts faltered. On the basis of her placement test results, she was told that she would have to take remedial courses, for which she would not earn college credit. This seemed unreasonable to her, given her honors in high schooclass="underline"
I want to go to a class to get credit first. They said, “No.” They wouldn’t do it. If I paid for the [learning disability] program then I could do it. . . . I tried to talk to the guy. I don’t want to take [the non-credit course], and they didn’t want to hear it!
Unlike many of the middle-class youth, when faced with these complications, Wendy did not involve her parents. She saw these problems as her own to overcome.
Wendy felt that the program staff misunderstood the nature of her disabilities. She wanted a program similar to the one that she had been offered at Alvernia:
[At Alvernia] I would have been in a regular class. [There would have been a] note taker and testing accommodation: [for a] three-hour test I would have six hours. The teacher could read the test to me. [I would] have chances to retake the test to get a better grade. Alvernia was going to have that plan.
The lack of flexibility at the community college bothered Wendy. She did not go back. When asked if she had considered having her parents go to the community college to help her, Wendy bristled. Noting her status as an autonomous, responsible adult, she replied,
I was old enough to make my own decisions. I knew what was wrong with me. My parents could have come down, and they [the program officers] basically would have told them the same thing. I didn’t want that. I am eighteen. I am old enough to make my own decisions!
A middle-class parent such as Ms. Marshall might have called the program administrator, submitted documentation on the nature of her daughter’s disability, hired a private psychologist to test her, or paid privately for the learning disabled program for one semester. Wendy, who at the time was only seventeen years old, could not think of any options other than accepting the remedial placement or not enrolling. Since she was “grown,” it was unacceptable to involve her parents; furthermore, Wendy did not think that her parents would do anything different than what she had already done. Thus, despite her original intent, Wendy never attended college.
In some instances, working-class and poor parents were quite effective in helping their children sort out problems with institutions. Billy Yanelli enjoyed recreational use of marijuana, but during his apprenticeship as a unionized house painter, he was required to submit to random drug tests. After one of Billy’s drug tests turned up “hot,” he was warned by the union. Mr. Yanelli was also a member of the union and was able to smooth the situation over for his son. Despite more than three violations, which should have (per union policy) led to his dismissal, Billy was not expelled from the union. Notably, this institution had a different character than educational institutions, and Mr. Yanelli had a status equal to that of the union leaders. Thus, the situation he faced when he intervened on his son’s behalf was quite different from the ones Ms. Yanelli confronted.
Unquestionably, working-class and poor parents provided valuable emotional, financial, and social support for their children. They cosigned car loans, paid for car insurance, provided meals, listened to tales of romantic woes, and babysat grandchildren. They desperately wanted their children to succeed. Yet, as when their children were young, with regard to educational institutions, these parents continued to expect that the experts would help their children succeed. They did not assertively manage their children’s high school careers; and once the children had either graduated or left high school, their parents considered them autonomous adults.
“It Broke My Heart”
Overall, the working-class and poor youth in Unequal Childhoods aspired to graduate from high school and go to college, but compared to the middle-class youth, they were less successful in realizing this dream. Most achieved educational levels similar to those of their parents, many of whom were high school dropouts. Given these parents’ own educational experiences, we might expect them to be relatively untroubled when their children dropped out of high school or did not persist in college. Instead, working-class and poor parents displayed striking levels of pain as they discussed their children’s truncated educational careers.52 Ms. Taylor, for instance, looked sad and put her hand over her heart when I asked her about Tyrec dropping out of community college after one semester. She said that she “felt helpless” and was “disappointed, you know, as a mother would be.” Noting the independence of young adults and the limited power of parents, however, she said, “You know, you just can’t do it. They have to do it on their own.”
Other parents echoed this view. They also drew attention to the wounds parents experienced when their dreams for their children’s educational careers were dashed. For example, Ms. Driver took Wendy’s refusal to go to college personally: “I was hurt. I wanted my child to go to college.” Harold’s failure to remain in high school until he graduated enraged his mother. Although it was two years after Harold had dropped out, Ms. McAllister grew angry as she recalled her son’s action: “When Harold didn’t graduate, I was mad. (voice rising) All he had to do was graduate, two months—April, May, and June.” Discussing Billy’s decision to leave high school in his sophomore year, Mr. Yanelli, who was a high school dropout, said, “It broke my heart.”
Middle-class parents generally were spared this kind of crushing disappointment. They clearly empathized with their children over setbacks such as not getting into their first-choice college, but typically these parents seemed less deeply affected than the working-class and poor parents. Ms. Tallinger, for example, reported that she was “really sad” for Garrett when Stanford did not work out, noting wistfully, “It would have been great.” Still, the Handlons, the only middle-class couple in the study whose child did not go to college, were very unhappy with their daughter’s decision. Melanie enrolled at Swan Community College, but as noted earlier, she stopped going to class before the semester ended. For Ms. Handlon, who had an associate’s degree, and Mr. Handlon, who had a master’s degree, Melanie’s short-lived college career was a major disappointment.
ANNETTE: And how did you feel about this when this was going on?
MS. HANDLON: Disappointed, but it’s her life, I, you know, . . . at this point she’s gonna start making the decisions, and I try to support her in what she decides. But I was disappointed, yes.