There were many different reactions to the book. The Brindles, McAllisters, and Marshalls seemed fundamentally “okay” with it. Similarly, the Carrolls, Greeleys, and Irwins, the families who were discussed in the tables and appendices but who were not portrayed in detail in the text, did not have complaints. However, the other six of the twelve families, the Drivers, Handlons, Tallingers, Taylors, Williamses, and Yanellis, were deeply troubled by the book. One family, the Williamses, severed ties with me, as did one mother, Ms. Tallinger. The complaints varied. Some families felt that I had made them “look bad.” Some disputed the accuracy of the claims. Others felt that the portraits failed to grasp core elements of family members’ subjective experience. I invited each of the families to write a summary of how they felt about the book or to edit what I wrote. Only Ms. Taylor wrote something; in addition, the Tallingers edited my draft.15 As the summaries of their reactions (provided in the next section) reveal, there is no obvious pattern by class (or race) in how families reacted. After sharing the reactions of the families, I turn to a reflection on the challenges of doing ethnographic research.
Reaction of the Middle-Class Families
The Tallinger Family (white boy/middle-class) The Tallingers objected to the portrayal of their family. At a fundamental level, they felt that I did not “get it” in terms of how much they enjoyed the activities that kept their family so busy. It was fun for all of them. Mr. Tallinger reported that the children had wonderful memories of their participation in activities. It was not labor. The parents also vehemently objected to any hint that they might have favored one child (Garrett) and his activities over another. Indeed, they clearly recalled emphasizing the extent to which they worked to find activities that Spencer might enjoy. A committed conservative, Mr. Tallinger also objected to the book’s concluding chapter, which he found “socialistic.” Ms. Tallinger appeared to feel as if the family had been misused; she indicated in an e-mail message that she preferred not to communicate with me any longer. Garrett gave his father a holiday gift of Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers, which discusses Unequal Childhoods. After reading it, Mr. Tallinger wrote me a friendly e-mail.16
The Handlon Family (white girl/middle-class) The Handlons also were not happy about the book. On the phone, Ms. Handlon said tersely, “I felt it was written by three women who were here for three weeks and who didn’t have kids.” Mr. Handlon elaborated that he and his wife felt that Unequal Childhoods uncritically adopted the perspective of Melanie’s teacher as the only legitimate point of view and thus failed to accurately chronicle the Handlons’ actual experience with educators. Ms. Handlon felt that I had failed to grasp the reality of having children, especially having a child who, every single day, was unhappy about having to go to school. When I interviewed Mr. Handlon, he conveyed this same idea by telling me a story about his choir leader. Until this woman had children of her own, he said, she did not fully understand why choir would not be every choir member’s top priority. For Mr. and Ms. Handlon, a similar kind of inexperience marred Unequal Childhoods. They too felt that I just “didn’t get it.”
Moreover, Mr. Handlon, stressing “we deliberately kept a slower pace” so that the children would have time to play outside, objected to the portrayal of their family life as hectic. References to their house being messy also felt critical to the Handlons. Mr. Handlon reported, too, that Melanie was devastated by the description of her as “chubby.” He wondered out loud, “What does it really add” to the description? He said it was particularly insulting since another girl was described as “pretty.” He recalled that the physical description of his daughter was a powerful negative experience that led Melanie to “shut down” (i.e., withdraw from a conversation about the book).17 Still, Mr. Handlon did acknowledge that the description of their Christmas Eve felt accurate and that, to this day, when it is hard for Melanie to get a word in edgewise in the busy conversational space of the Handlon family, Melanie will sometimes brandish the point that they are not letting her finish, just as was written in the book.
The Williams Family (African American boy/middle-class) A few months after I had interviewed Alexander, I stopped by the Williamses’ house to drop off a copy of the book. It was a Saturday afternoon. Mr. Williams was in the yard, raking leaves. He seemed pleased to hold the book in his hand and to see that (after many years) the project had come to fruition. I told him that I wanted to interview him. He seemed open to it. Smiling, he said that the previous spring would have been a better time for the interview, since his wife was traveling frequently. I e-mailed Ms. Williams to set up an interview, but there was never a good time. (Once, I happened to call just as a pipe was bursting and water was flooding the first floor of their home.) I sent an e-mail every three months or so for almost two years. Ms. Williams would say that she was busy or not available then, but that she would give me a call.
By December 2005, I was thinking of making one final attempt to schedule interviews with Mr. and Ms. Williams. I e-mailed Ms. Williams to ask if there would be time to set up an interview. She wrote to say that the family did not wish to have any further involvement with the project. The note indicated that they felt that objectivity had been “lost” in the “subjective details,” with the result that none of them had been portrayed in an “honest manner.” They felt that the “training” and “maturity” of the researchers was inadequate and not up to professional standards. Ms. Williams asked me not to contact them and, especially, not to contact Alexander in the future; she reported that Alexander also had grave concerns about the portrait. She acknowledged that the family’s decision likely would be “troubling” to me but asked that I honor their request.
I e-mailed Ms. Williams (with the subject line “confirmation that I will honor your request”) and indicated that I would certainly honor their request, including no longer sending a holiday card and small gift to Alexander. I also apologized for any difficulty the book had caused them. She replied immediately with a brief note wishing me a wonderful holiday season.18
The Marshall Family (African American girl/middle-class) As with many of the families, I postponed the task of delivering the book to the Marshalls because I was extremely anxious about how they might react to it. I had interviewed all four family members in the summer, but it was November—and the book had been published in September—before I dropped by the Marshall home. I came in the evening, without calling ahead, bringing along a copy of the book. Ms. Marshall answered the door. As we stood, just inside, near the door, she told me in a friendly tone that she had found the book at Barnes and Noble and had already read it. (She had not wanted to wait.) I told her that I was sorry it had taken me so long to get it to her. I asked her what she thought. Shifting from foot to foot and looking somewhat sheepish and embarrassed, she said, “I thought, ‘Is that really me?’ And then I thought, ‘Yes.’” She did not have any complaints. We then went upstairs to see Mr. Marshall, who was recuperating from a leg injury. I told them that some of the families were distressed by the book. Always a jovial and expansive man, Mr. Marshall could not see why that would happen since, in his view, “It complimented everyone!” Somewhat later Stacey wrote me an e-mail. She told me that she had read the description of her family and that it made her “appreciate” how much her mom did for her.19 Unlike some other families, the Marshalls seemed comfortable with the book’s portrayal of them.