“To appease the court. As of this morning, I’ve been granted some freedoms. To appease my family, I will only be gone for a short time.”
“And to appease you?”
“I’ll break my heart to spare Hazel any more pain.”
“Won’t that break his?”
It would. And she knew it, but selfishly, she needed one last time to say goodbye. And it couldn’t be here. Not in her prison. It had to be where she had felt free. Alive. Herself. Jude. His Jude.
Jude dropped her head down in shame, her weakness exposed to one of the few people who believed her to be stronger. She wiped at her eyes before the tears could build. She was tired of crying. When she looked back up, she asked, “Why do you work here? Why do you work for people that I can tell you despise? Why do you stay?”
As if the answer was obvious, he said, “For you. If I’m not here, who will you have?”
“Kind of says it all.” She stood up, using the railing to lean on. When he stood, she said, “I free you, my friend. The burden of myself will no longer be. Leave. Find a good family with happy children and loving parents who are just too busy to have dinner ready on time. Take care of people who will be grateful for you and your loyalty.”
“You’re grateful.”
“I am, but I’m the only one.” She walked to the door. “I’ll be seeing you.”
“You’re coming back, right, Hummingbird?”
“The bird always returns to its cage.” The door opened and the bright June day was too yellow for how blue she felt. She went anyway.
Taking the long way, she headed toward the park. She thought about going to his apartment, but knew that would be too cruel. Too many beautiful memories there, a blaring reminder of the happy life she almost had. Instead she headed for their favorite bench by walking around the park instead of through. When she finally sat down, she pulled the phone from her pocket and made the first call on the phone she had never used before.
Her heart hurt when he answered, “Hello?”
She seemed to choke on her breath as it stopped and all words disappeared from her head. But her heart knew… her heart knew she couldn’t do this to him. She couldn’t give him hope when there was none. She couldn’t give him a way of reaching her, even if her heart desperately wanted that. It wasn’t fair to him.
“Hello?” he repeated, sounding less patient.
This was going to be the hardest thing she had ever done and she couldn’t have his soothing voice seeping into her veins any longer. Two weeks had been painful enough, but it was a start and she owed him that much, if not more, to get his life back on track.
She hung up.
Why was she even here? Why did she call? Was she so adrift in her addiction to him that she needed just one more hit of his human kindness? Just one more taste? One more touch?Would she really have asked him to come find her only to turn him away again? No. She couldn’t. Wouldn’t. She couldn’t drag him through this, opening the same wounds again. And hers. When all she thought she needed to say had already been said. When her phone rang back, she looked at the screen and the number that appeared. Her heart wrestled with what the right thing to do was and she ghosted her finger over the screen, careful not to answer it.
“Goodbye, my love,” she whispered and the phone stopped ringing.
Breathing turned difficult as her heart collapsed in on itself. She wished she could be swallowed up with it. That would be less painful than the loneliness she now felt.
Maybe he’d only been a dream. That was easier to imagine. He was a part of her, inside her, a man that only existed to exist inside her.
But the severed organ that fought for survival in her chest said otherwise. He existed. He had to. He was her light. Had been. And how could there be dark if there was no light, even if it didn’t exist in her world any longer.
As she walked, there was no doubt in her mind that she had hurt him outside the courthouse. What a mess I’ve made. And now, even honesty couldn’t get them any closer than they were right this moment.
The marriage had been annulled. He could now find someone who didn’t have to live in fear of retaliation, in a state of distress looking for peace, someone who could give him the family he deserved.
But for her, she wanted something simpler. She looked up at the puffy clouds in the blue sky and wished she could go to that place that doesn’t exist, the one Hazel spoke of as if it were real. Daydreaming had been her life for so long that she couldn’t believe she no longer had the ability. It had been lost somewhere in the last two weeks. Daydreaming had become a dangerous pastime once her dreams were realized. She didn’t know how fragile those dreams really were until they were twisted and destroyed while she held them in her hands. She took the remains and sprinkled them over her heart, hoping to feed the delicate seeds and maybe one day her dreams could bloom again.
But not today.
When she walked out of the park she made a right. Taking a left would lead to her house, but she needed more time before returning to her personal prison.
Three blocks up she waited on the corner to cross the street. Her mind was on other things when someone called, “Judith.”
She cowered and scanned her immediate surroundings, flinching her first reaction. A woman waved her hand from the other corner. At first she checked behind her, then when she saw the woman walking toward her it clicked. “Nurse Lacy? I didn’t recognize you out of uniform.”
Lacy laughed. “I get that sometimes. But yeah,” she said, shrugging, “they let me out of that place every once in a while.” As soon as the words left her mouth, she clasped her hand over it. Lowering it again, she took hold of Jude’s arm gently. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean—”
“Don’t worry. I knew what you meant.”
Lacy looked concern. “Have you been crying?”
“Feels like my whole life.” The words reminded her of Hazel and how he told his parents that very same thing the day they met.
When Jude’s eyes started to water, Lacy wrapped her arm in Jude’s and declared, “You look like you can use a friend. We’re going for coffee.”
“You don’t know the half of it.”
“Then tell me. Coffee is on me.”
Jude didn’t know what to think of this young nurse. On one hand, she instantly liked her and was drawn to her joy. On the other hand, she was suppressing the fear bubbling inside her from seeing someone from Bleekman’s. “I’m not sure that’s allowed. Patients and nurses hanging out? Sure-fire way to get in trouble.”
She put her finger to her mouth, and said, “I won’t tell if you won’t.” She continued with pep in her step and practically dragged Jude down the street until they came to a French bistro that opened to a patio out back. They were seated at a small round table. Lacy continued to smile at Jude while she placed her napkin in her lap. “How are you? I know that’s a broad question, but I’ve been worried ever since you left the center.”
“I was more worried being there, personally.”
“I’m sorry you had such a bad experience.” She leaned in and whispered, “I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I’ve wanted to for a long time—”
“What shouldn’t you tell me?” Jude was direct, the hair on her arms rising as her nerves started twisting in her stomach.
“I’ve researched your case and tried to talk to Dr. Conroy on your behalf. But they seem set on the early tests they did years ago on you.” Her eyes shifted left, then right, before centering back on Jude. “I think there was a misdiagnosis when you were first admitted.”
Jude smiled. “If their tests are wrong, what do you think is wrong with me?”
The waiter walked up and took their drink order as well as handed them menus. They quickly looked it over and Jude ordered a chocolate croissant. Lacy ordered the bread pudding, then when they were alone again, she said, “I don’t think you’re insane, or unstable, or crazy, like they say, like your chart says.”