Great! He is just great!
She is jealous of him, and often whispers in his ears: "Teach me to be like you are".
He laughs with his barbed short laughter, at the sound of which she feels uneasy, and replies - "You can`t".
She misses his hands, his lips, and his words awfully... But she forbade herself to give him this warmth. She wants to be just like he is...
When the night falls, he lies down to read the newspaper. And she lies beside him, exploring the features of his face. She misses his warmth and tenderness awfully...
She pillows her head on his chest and asks to be taught to this masculine obduracy... to this spicy and steady coldness, emitting the strength...
His incredulous, almost humiliating look. His dispassionate but scorching kiss - "As such?"
She turns to the wall. "Hit me" - pumps in her head. She awfully needs the pain, just because it is more or less acceptable for coldness and frigidity of the character, just because that is the only thing she allows to herself.
But he just leaves to have some wine... The tears are running across her face... She just does not know how to live....
2007 - 2017
The empty glass feeling
One of my favorite feelings is the feeling of an emptyglass. To be empty is the main condition of a thick glasstumbler.
If water stays in a glass for too long - the raid formsalong the water line.Tea and coffee fill such glasses in the train. You may fillsuch tumbler with the dirt or with the crushed stone - to use itas a measuring tool or to grow the seedlings. An empty glasshas larger potential, than a full one - filling may changethe glass mission for a long time; it may change the veryessence of a glass.
The water - suddenly poured out, drunk. Once thewater overfilled the glass. It did the glass heavy. Now the glassis empty again.
A glass filled by the rainwater.
A glass of water, drunk in the morning and then left in an empty flat.
Aclinking glass in a rumbling train. The teaspoon has been leftin it.
A glass, eager for filling and then fordepletion. The glass that is used to being filled and then depleted.
A glass that was created to be used for slaking thirst. The jar which the most part of time stays inemptiness. The jar of acceptance and of giving.
To speak symbolically, this thing is my closest soulmate. It is both firm and fragile. It can crack because of thedifference of temperatures...
However, it can endure a falling from the small height...
2017
The Universum
The thought experiment on Schrцdinger's cat, Pandora's Box myth and legend about the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil have much in common. It is known that by his experiment Schrцdinger wanted to show the imperfection of the quantum theory. The quantum theory, as considered, provides the basis of The Universe. As long as we don't open a box, we don't let the Knowledge out.
Schrцdinger's cat may be considered simultaneously both alive and dead. We can consider the evil, locked in the box presented by Zeus, existent and nonexistent at the same time. The person could have been considered simultaneously guilty and innocent, if he had not tasted the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.
Well, if we had not tasted the fruit, we would not have learnt the limits of Good and Evil... Still is it possible that we would keep ourselves from temptation and passion in this case? Would we behave in a different way?
The animals know nothing about abstinence. Are the animals guilty? We forgive a little child his non-compliance of church fasting, foul language and masturbation. Actions fulfilled by children are unconscious. Is it something but The Knowledge that drives us into penance? It seems, these are we ourselves, who drew black and white boundaries, ensuring ourselves the hell with our own pangs of conscience.
The Schrцdinger's cat would have been simultaneously both alive and dead, as it had hardly eaten the forbidden fruit. It had never analyzed its life, as it has no consciousness. Thus, we also would never learn about its condition if we did not dance to the tune of our curiosity.
The person could be considered both guilty and innocent, if he knows no boundaries between good and evil. He would simply live his life. He would just exist. His life would be unconscious. As existentialists would say, he wouldn't overcome his being.
The struggle between good and evil, righteousness and transgression provides us our own hell. And if we - those who got used to pain and drama - would be forgiven and sent to Paradise with the bright sun and soft climate, would we be able to find there rest and enjoyment?
Only an ignorant one or a holy-fool can enjoy the delight of the quiet land. We`ve got used to be the tormented with our own demons and uneasy conscience.
All of us are kind and angry, alive and dead, sinful and innocent at the same time. We are the essence, world matter, a kind of substance, an animal type...
Does the God judge animals? "All dogs go to Heaven..." Dogs eat mice, gnaw each other, chase cats, steal sausages, copulate... Still they look at us with the eyes full of serenity, devotion and kindness. While the human is aware of the boundaries of good and evil...
We suffer from lynch- law, self-flagellation, self-torture. Moreover, we are in permanent fear of the last assize beyond our lives` limits. Maybe the The Expulsion from the Garden of Eden is the expulsion from the serenity...
2017
Time
Time has many unpredictable ways to return times of past refreshed and renewed. Possible and impossible shades of old fade at the daytime and thicken at dark. Waterlike epochs merge into the vessels of days, weeks, months.
Indifference turns into gratitude. Gratitude oozes bliss. Bliss blooms with love. Love decays to bleed. And then it bleeds, nourishing the soil of wisdom, feeding trees of cognition, impregnating seeds of devotion.
Time raises its own garden, where the sun is the spirit of life, where the life is just the chain of the memories, where the memories are the tastes of the wines. And the wines are the blood of emotions.
2017
The Flame-Searching Tale
Once upon a time the firehead Dragon lived down the apple oak. His green eye watched the world from out the grass so green and so bright in the morning.
The firelike Dragon watched the tree and the Sun above watched the dragon.
The tree was godlike and abundant. The apples were red and sweet. The oak was tall and strong. At night stars were like the sparks on the dragon firelike scales. In the daytime the Dragon looked like the son of the Sun.
The Dragon and the Sun lived in unity. The one above warmed the Earth. The one below watched it.
The era past, the year past, the day past and the minute. The clay appeared, and the man appeared from out the clay. The Clayman was too weak. He needed fire to make him stronger.
So the Sun promised to strengthen the Clayman and gave him the faith for his heart to believe. The Sun was wise; he kept whole the earth alive. But the autumn came. The rain fell down. The Sun hid. Only the firehead Dragon shone in the forest.
The Clayman came to discover - he found the oak so tall and so strong and the Dragon down the oak, whose bright green eye looked at him. And the Dragon said that he could have given the fire to the Clayman to be strong and some apples to satisfy his hunger. The Clayman looked at the sky but saw no Sun shining. He remembered that the Sun promised to give him flame to live with bless and strength in his heart. "Keep faith", said the Sun. But the sky was cloudy and no Sun was shining. "How can I believe if I cannot see?"- the Clayman wondered.
The winter was close. So the Clayman asked the Dragon to give him fire and to feed him with the apples.
The flame wrapped the Clayman from under his feet, and whole the garden suddenly turned into fire. All the abundant trees in the woods, the Dragon watched for so long, flashed with fire. The terrible fire ate all the beauty and couldn`t stop eating.
When everything turned into ashes, just the Clayman remained. He was torn with remorse so that he became a human begging for mercy.
The wise Sun came on the darkened sky and spoke to the human: "These are two fire-sources you can take your strength from- one is high above your head. It warms and gives life to you and your small world. It is rare and sometimes it even doesn`t warm you enough to believe, but be sure it does; keep its` spark in your heart.
You can also feel the fire at your below. But the below fire is fast, it is close and it promises, but it leaves you nothing, but the torture and the ashes when it ends.
The human gave a nod.
The ashes made soil thicker and soon the human grew other trees.
The fire head Dragon was overthrown to the deepest core of the Earth for his shine not to seduce humans anymore. Sometimes it tries to watch the world, once so friendly to him, but brings just earthquakes and suffering. Now oaks bring just acorns that are tasty just for pigs.
As for the human, he is still searching for fire. The fire in his heart and the fire above sometimes seem too faint for him, although just they are healing. The human feels the fire down of his stomach and in his limbs. This fire is close; it is restless, but causes just destruction.
Time flows. And the human learns.
2017
The Spring Has Come
The spring has come. It sprang like a witch on the broom, laughing, etching its mark on everything and everybody.
It seems even, that the spring hides something carnal and carnivorous, promising hot summer heat. It hisses, imping feathers into the bare poor wings of human hearts, still it ghoulishly digs into the minds, poisoning and intoxicating them...
Everything is of the sweet, bitter, rotten, earthy scent... Nothing is fresh, cool and sparkling. No wind. Just wine, winding, twisting, stretching mind over and over...again and again.
A strange preception of the spring...
2014