He pulled a pink flower loose from my hair, twirling it slowly before bringing it down to brush against my nose. Grinning, I sat up and kneeled beside him, tugging on my shirt. He rolled toward me and propped his elbow up, placing his head in his hand.
“I’m waiting.”
“Not so patiently, it should be noted,” I pointed out.
He pretended to zip his mouth shut, and I couldn’t help my laugh as I plucked some grass from his hair. “I love how you see me.”
The expression on his face was intensely sexual, but also tinged with a hint of self-admonishment. “Do you? Sometimes I don’t even know what I see when I look at you.”
“You see more.”
“More?”
I sighed as he stretched his arm out and stroked warm fingers along my cheek. In that moment, I could have sworn every sound around me disappeared, as if we were in a world of our own.
“You see under all of this,” I said, gesturing up and down my body before laughing when I realized I was kneeling in just a shirt. “Well, you know what I mean.”
Grayson ran his fingers along the line of my neck, and I closed my eyes as he traced a path down my arm before taking my hand.
“How could anyone look at you and not see everything I do?”
Bringing our fingers to his bare chest, he moved them until we were tapping out the beats of his heart. One, two three. One, two three.
So steady. So safe.
I shuffled closer to his side so that my knees were touching his skin, and that was when he stilled our hands and sat up so his lips were by my ear.
“It’s time to stop counting, Addison. Just let it go and relax with me. I’ll keep you safe.”
I swallowed and felt a tear roll down my cheek as he dipped his head and pressed his lips to the side of my neck. His fingers tightened around my own and held them still as I let the silence be just that—silent.
“I’m scared by how much I need you already,” I admitted.
His mouth brushed over the shell of my ear, and he confessed, “So am I.”
Wanting to get even closer, I crawled up onto his lap and straddled him, wrapping my free arm around his neck. He circled my waist, pulling me in tight.
“What happened the day of Daniel’s accident?”
I pressed my forehead against his and felt the warmth and security that only came when he was near.
“Time stood still,” I whispered.
“Tell me.”
We were so close that our noses were touching. “You already know. Miss Shrieve told you.”
“I went to her because I want to understand. Help me to see. Show me all of you, Addison. The parts that no one else sees—show me.”
I shut my eyes, needing the anonymity it afforded so I could retell the memory that broke me.
“I was late. My dad had been talking to me about joining the track team. He’d said it was something we would have in common, like a father and daughter kind of thing.”
“So you chose hurdles with Helene?” Grayson questioned as he stroked a hand up my back.
“Helene? Oh, Miss Shrieve? Yes.” I gave a self-deprecating laugh. “He’s never once been to a track meet.”
I took a deep breath and tentatively touched his chest. When he nodded, I placed both of my palms against him and continued.
“I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t care about that in the scheme of things…but I do. I signed up for him, and now he can’t even find the time to come and see me.”
“Why do you still do it then?”
I could feel my anxiety rising as his question echoed in my head. No one ever understood why I continued. They all thought it was for the glory. No one knew it was to try and stop the all-consuming guilt.
“Because if I quit, it means it was all for nothing. Doesn’t it?”
Grayson gave a small shrug, and I could tell he was trying to understand, but could he? Could anyone?
“So instead you became the best on the team?”
“No, that was luck.”
“Luck and talent. You forget, I’ve seen you fly down that track and over those hurdles like you were born to do it. That’s not luck.”
“It doesn’t matter what it is. None of it does. I put all of my spare time into training and making sure I’m the best because if I’m anything less…”
“Then what? Daniel died for nothing? Who told you that?”
Defensive, I shook my head. “No one.”
“Bullshit,” Grayson fired back as he frowned at me.
I could feel myself wavering. He knew I was lying. He’d met my mom and dad. It was obvious to anyone that we weren’t one big, happy family, but to someone as smart as Grayson? It wouldn’t take long to work out that the only thing keeping the Lancaster’s functioning were lies and unrealistic expectations.
“We’re not done with that, okay?”
I’d seen him in this mode before. It was teacher mode, and I knew he wouldn’t let it go, but right now he was after the…more.
So I gave it to him.
“Daniel looked right at me that day. I ran down to the crosswalk between the high school and the elementary school. There were other kids around, laughing and talking as we waited for the light to change. For some reason, I looked over the road at him, and it was like time stopped. I couldn’t even hear the crosswalk signal as it beeped and then he was just—gone.”
“Jesus,” Grayson cursed as his fingers tightened on my waist.
“Maybe if I’d been on time?” I suggested, not really expecting an answer.
“It could have still happened. You don’t know, and you never will.”
I lowered my eyes to my hands and fidgeted as tears began to fall. Trying to get a hold of myself and failing, I looked back at the man studying me with concern.
How do you explain to someone that you not only let yourself down, but everyone who ever believed in you? And how do you trust them with that secret without offering up what is left of your broken heart?
The answer is simple, you can’t. So instead, I gave Grayson the shattered pieces that remained.
“He was my baby brother. I couldn’t get to him…I couldn’t save him. I just stood there with everyone else, as the truck…”
“Oh, Addison. Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to say any more.”
Grayson pulled me into his arms so our chests were flush against each other. Heart to heart.
I ran my hands around behind his neck and hugged him to me, discovering that once I’d started talking, I couldn’t seem to stop. It was kind of like the tears that I couldn’t seem to get under control.
“One minute Daniel was standing there, and the next…the next, he was on the ground…just lying on the road. He wouldn’t open his eyes…wouldn’t look at me, and there was blood…so much blood around him. I just needed him to say something, anything…but he never did and then she took me away.”
“Who did?” Grayson asked as my tears fell down onto his shoulder and back.
“Miss Shrieve. She took me away from him…forced me to let him go.”
I pressed my face into his hair and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself.
“One, two three. One, two, three. The crosswalk signal beeping was all I could hear after that, over and over. I started counting, trying to focus on anything but what was in front of me.”
Grayson pulled back slightly, and his eyes held mine, steady and serious. “So the counting is a new habit? Since the accident?”
It was time to trust and offer up the final pieces of me.
“Yes. It helps calm me when I get nervous or anxious...like a safety blanket, I suppose.”