I tried to shake off the thought and knocked on Doc’s door. When he opened it, I couldn’t help but laugh. His crazy hair was all over the place, and I had to admit that other than Grayson, this man was the only other positive force in my life. He was the one person I truly trusted and relied on.
“Addy, it’s so good to see you.”
Still laughing, I stepped through the door and made my way over to the comfy couch by the window. “Really?”
“Always. You know that.”
I sat down and looked around his cozy office.
Doc had certificates hanging all over the walls, and photos of his wife and three daughters adorned his huge desk. As always, he made his way over to the chair across from me and sat down.
“Isn’t that kind of an insult? If I’m here to see you, it means I’m crazy. Doesn’t it?”
“Do you feel crazy?”
“Not lately.”
Doc’s eyes creased at the sides and the lines around them made me think he laughed a lot. This man was happy—truly happy.
“What do you feel lately?”
“Are you happy?” I asked out of the blue, curious to know if I was right.
Doc thought about it for a moment and then grinned. “Yes. I can honestly say that I am happy. Are you?”
My answer was easy. “No.”
I couldn’t remember the last time I was happy. I’m not sure that anyone cared enough to ask—except Doc, and he was being paid.
“Then how do you feel?”
I contemplated my answer before I spoke. How do you tell the man your parents have employed to fix you that what makes you happy and content is something that’s crumbling apart in front of you?
“Trapped,” I finally replied.
“Hmm.”
I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “I hate that response.”
“Why? It’s neither positive nor negative.”
“It’s indifferent. I hate that.”
“Well, what would you like me to say? You said you felt trapped. You already know my next question.”
I began to twirl my hair around my finger, a habit I’d started while sitting here under Doc’s close scrutiny.
“You’re going to ask me why.”
“Exactly.”
Seeing no other way out, I sighed. “I got suspended for five days.”
Doc brought his pen to his mouth and chewed on the cap. A habit of his, I’d discovered.
“I know.”
“How do you know?”
“Your mother called and told me. She also mentioned you were late getting home that day.”
“What else did she say?”
“She said you lied about where you’d been.”
I let go of my hair and clasped my hands in my lap.
“Well, she’s not wrong.”
“So…” Doc paused, and I knew what was next. “Do you want to tell me where you went?”
I really wanted to, but I couldn’t. So I didn’t say a thing.
“Okay, I’ll take that as a no.”
Doc knows what my silence means. I’d been coming to him long enough that he knew now was not the time to push.
“Will you talk to me about how you got that split lip?”
My eyes connected with his, and I could hear my mom’s voice in my mind, threatening me.
“Again, I’ll take your silence as a no. Some other time, perhaps?”
Feeling agitated, I stood and walked over to the photos on his desk, picking up a silver frame of his wife and daughters.
They were sitting along the trunk of a fallen tree with their arms interlocked at the elbows. Each of them was laughing, and their eyes were lit up with pure happiness. I envied the ease they shared with one another and the love that was directed at the person taking the photo.
Her husband, their father—their rock.
I’d had that once, during the blind acceptance of youth, until one shattering moment ripped it all away to reveal it was nothing but veiled innocence. It was a lie created to make me feel safe because my rock wasn’t something I could hang onto—but something that inflicted pain.
Grayson also had photos, ones he’d taken himself. However, they were of places, not people, and now that his father was gone, I had a feeling he was as lonely as I was.
“I don’t know what to say.”
Doc seemed to process that before recommending, “Let’s start with the basics.”
“Okay.”
“You said you’re feeling trapped. Can you tell me what being trapped feels like or means to you? That’s not hard, right?”
“I guess.”
But the more I thought about it, I realized I wasn’t the one who was trapped. He was.
I trapped him. Didn’t I?
“Addy, what are you thinking? Tell me.”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me, Addison,” Doc stressed. “You can evade the question, you can choose not to answer, but don’t lie. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me the truth.”
I leaned back against the desk and whispered, “Someone I know is in trouble, and I feel like I can’t do anything to help. So I feel trapped.”
“Trouble how? At school? With their parents?”
I almost laughed at the ridiculousness of this conversation. It wasn’t as if I could tell him who or what I was talking about, but maybe…no.
“In life.”
I stopped and pleaded with my eyes not to push any further.
“Okay. They’re in trouble with life.”
“Yes. This person is going through some issues and I want to help, but no matter what I do, it isn’t going to be right. I can’t talk to anyone. All I want to do is reach out and make them feel like they make me feel…”
“And how’s that, Addy? How do they make you feel?”
I struggled to find the right word and settled on the one that I’d felt when I looked at Doc’s photo. “Safe.”
Doc took a moment and brought the pen down from his mouth, before asking, “Well, has this person ever hurt you?”
“No!” I’m adamant in my denial.
“Does this person make you do things you don’t want to?”
I shook my head and could feel the furrow between my brows.
No, Grayson never pushed himself on me, but I couldn’t say the same in return.
“Then I don’t see the problem. In fact, I would go so far as to say whoever it is has changed you in a positive way. I’ve noticed it myself.”
I tried to ignore the rapid pounding in my chest as my heart beat overtime.
“What do you mean?”
“Sit down, would you?”
Without questioning him, I did as I was told.
“Ever since the beginning of school, you’ve been less despondent and much more responsive. You’ve been social, engaged, and you haven’t even noticed today that I took the clock off my wall. These are all clear indications to me that your behavior has changed.”
I agreed with him but still. “That doesn’t answer my question. How do I help them?”
Doc shrugged. “Maybe the thing that is bothering you and making you feel trapped is that you can’t.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Past…
Six days.
It had been six days since I’d last seen Addison. I thought it would leave me feeling more centered, less off-balance, but I all I could think of was her.
I’d taken Friday off to go back to the facility my father had stayed in and finalize his estate. Then I’d had the dreadful task of arranging a funeral for one.
I still couldn’t quite wrap my mind around the fact that he was gone—forever.