The first thing I think is, Mmm. Vomit. Then I wonder if I should elbow him in the stomach and knock him off the ledge, but that’s the venom talking. I’m not really pissed at him anyway. I’m just…surprised. And uncomfortable, sure, horribly uncomfortable. But the weird thing is, I let him do it. I sort of sit there and…get kissed. Not because I enjoy it or because I’m attracted to him, just ’cause…Well, honestly, I feel like I owe him one for hearing me out and understanding, for making me feel anything but crazy. Which feels cheap. And wrong. And easy. But I don’t know…This is new. Everything is new. Tonight has been a series of firsts; this is just the worst one of them so far.
He breaks the kiss and I say, “Casey. Casey. Hey.”
“Mmm,” he purrs tipsily, “that was nice.”
“Casey. Wait.” He doesn’t back off. Not good. This has to stop before my owing him one turns into him taking it as a go-ahead or a come-on. “No, we can’t. No.”
“No one’s stopping us,” he says slowly, leaning his face toward mine again. His breath blows hot on my face; it reeks of puke and dude.
My senses slingshot back to reality, and my hand snaps onto his shoulder and shoves him back. I snatch my glasses back and fumble putting them on.
“I’m stopping us,” I say solidly. “I’m not…y’know. I’m not.”
He stares at me for a second, dumbfounded, like a little kid. All of a sudden, I feel terrible. I shouldn’t have let him kiss me. That was wrong. I should have pushed him away the minute he tried. But no, like a timid little idiot, I let him go ahead and expect something of me that I-
And then it happens. I notice a cord on his neck stick out and a vein near his forehead bulge a bit. His face goes tight. The mouth curls into an oyster of resentment while the eyes stay bugged and hard. Something inside of him goes away; what replaces it is hate. Not rage or passion but hate-cold, dead, twisted hate.
I can see the black rising inside his eyes.
“Hey, wait. Casey. Wait.”
“Fuck you.”
He’s not listening. He shoves me hard, throwing me off the ledge and onto the concrete. My shoulder blade screams in pain, but I manage to start lifting myself up slowly, just as he leaps down from the edge. Something registers that I’m lucky he didn’t throw me off the edge of the stairs. There’s no good end to this.
“You’re not what?” he snarls, pushing his face in front of mine. By now, all the cords on his neck are taut, like wires, and there are little flecks of spit at the corners of his mouth. “You’re not a faggot, huh? You’re not a cocksucker, is that it?”
“No, hey, c’mon man, that’s not what I meant-”
“Then why not fucking say it, huh? Why even talk to me about all this if you’re just going to freak out and gawk at the queer? Jesus, most guys don’t fucking KISS ME if they’re not at least a little interested. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“That’s a really good ques-”
“Save it, shithead!” A gob of saliva wheels off his lower lip and dangles. His eyes are glowing white, surrounded by a road map of creased skin. “I don’t want to hear any more of your BULLSHIT. I don’t have TIME for people as worthless as you. Wow, no wonder Randall never brought you around. He must be hard-pressed for friends at your fucking school.”
In the back of my skull, the venom starts buzzing, vibrating my teeth, my eyes. Asking for it, it almost whispers, he’s asking for it. Go ahead. Simple solutions are often the best ones, Locke. No, no, no. There has to be a painless way out of this.
“Look, I didn’t mean that at all,” I say pleadingly. “I was just surprised and scared. Please don’t-”
“Oh, fuck you, Locke. Fuck. YOU. You tell me all this stuff about yourself, and I think, ‘Wow, here’s someone who’s different, who understands!’ But you’re just like everyone else. You don’t know anything. You don’t know about the black. I’ve had to deal with bullshit from people like you for as long as I can remember, and just because you got teased, or your daddy ran away, or life didn’t hand you a bouquet of peonies, you think you’re fucking Hamlet. Shouldn’t you be off cutting yourself somewhere?”
Part of me starts saying that he’s drunk and he’s got the black in him and he doesn’t mean all this (and that peonies are sort of an odd choice), but it’s all white noise to the Locke that’s standing here. I can feel my pupils dilate and my veins wash over with emotional poison. The muscles flex. The dam breaks.
He understands, my mind pleads, he cares. He’s just in a mood. There’s no need to be too hard on him for it. He’s confused and hurt. This can’t happen.
You tried, you failed. Fuck off. My turn.
I’m not sure whether his throat feels soft or if my hand feels oddly strong, but soon one’s around the other. His face goes from hardened to clueless; he should have considered that maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t the guy to piss off. Just like his little outburst took me off guard, he’s never met anyone else who’s felt the venom before, he’s only experienced it firsthand.
Let’s see just how fucking well he enjoys a fistful of his own medicine.
“How dare you,” I growl, “how fucking dare you, you presumptuous piece of dog shit. Just because I don’t want your tongue in my fucking mouth doesn’t mean I’m a goddamn bigot, you hear me? DO YOU?”
The twitch his head makes is, I’m pretty sure, a nod. It’s worn off for him, so now it’s my show.
“I just wanted someone to talk to! I never told you I wanted you to fuck me, now did I? DID I? Now I realize you were only in it for a quick fuck, huh? You’re just like the rest of ’em, you fucking ASSHOLE. All you want is to get your way and feel good about yourself for it. I don’t need to take shit from anyone, but especially not from a poor, lonely queen like you.”
My hand snaps open, and he thuds to the ground with a gasp. He’s so little to look down on. Not even worth the strain of a good kick in the ribs.
“I hope you fucking DIE,” I hiss. “And if you ever mention my father again, I’ll see to it you DO.” There’s a swirl of my overcoat, and I’m walking uptown.
By the time I get to 79th Street, the venom has gone out for drinks, and I’m left sobbing. I didn’t mean to hurt Casey, but it just happened. Why’d he have to treat me like the enemy? I didn’t even know he was gay. It didn’t matter. I’d finally met somebody who really, truly understood the way I felt, and it all went to shit. When you’re a fucking monster, not even the other monsters will be there for you.
Once I’m home, I walk slowly to my room, hoping to just get there and fall right asleep. No such luck: My mom, waiting up for me as always, sees me and motions for me to sit next to her on the couch. Once I’m up close, it’s obvious that things aren’t okay. She claps her book shut and sits up attentively.
“Hey,” I say, focusing on my hands.
“What’s up, honey?” my mom says. Her head ducks to try and make eye contact.
I shrug. “Nothing. We hung out in the park. Played some music.”
“Sounds fun.”
“Yeah, I had a pretty good night. I dunno, something weird happened, though. I had an…angry.”
“Are you all right?” Her eyes narrow. “Did you get high?”
“Mom…no.” Every so often, I forget my mom is A Mom, and then she busts out with a gem like that. “Someone made…improper advances toward me.” Wow. Just about as stupid as it sounds.
My mom puts on this really sly smile. “Must’ve been one pushy girl.”