I won't let myself speculate about what’ll happen afterwards.
“I trust you,” Ben says. “I always have, and I always will.”
“I’m not going to say anything to anyone. I just want to understand what I’m dealing with.”
“It’s an assassin’s guild, Lilah.”
My mouth falls open and no words come out. I gape at him for several seconds before snapping my jaw closed, hard enough for my teeth to click together. “Like as in… killing people?”
Ben gives me a wry smile. “Is there a different type of assassin?”
“No, but… Seriously?” When he nods, I blink several times, trying to wrap my mind around this. “Well, fuck me sideways. This is worse than I thought.”
“What did you think was happening?”
I throw up my hands. “I don’t know. After the bride ceremony, I thought you guys were a group of demented perverts, but I never thought you murdered people. That’s just…”
“It’s insane. I’m aware.”
“Have you ever… you know?”
Ben’s expression turns stony. “Yes. I’ve been summoned by the Order.”
“Is that what a ‘summons’ means?”
“Yes.”
“So right now Xavier is—”
I slap a hand over my mouth. Whatever I say about Xavier also applies to Ben, and I don’t want to hurt him with my judgmental thoughts. And they’re judgy as fuck. Given the way his mouth pulls into a frown, I don’t think I’m successful in hiding the fact.
“Yes, he’s on assignment somewhere,” Ben says. “We’re discouraged from contacting anyone during that time. That’s why I didn’t text you. I swear the Order tracks our phones and reads our messages, and I didn’t want to put you at risk.”
“How did you get caught in this shit?”
“I’m the bastard son of a founding family member,” he says. “Apparently, my mother didn’t want me, but she didn’t want my father to have me either. She thought it would hurt his legacy if he couldn’t find me. It’s hard to say because they’re both dead. Who knows why the rich do anything, unless it’s to gain more power?”
“The rich include you now.”
“Don’t say that,” he snaps. “I’m still the same person. I won’t let them change me.”
I don’t have the heart to point out that they already have. The Ben I know only talked about killing someone, but never would’ve done it. Now, he’s taken a life—or more than one—and he’s able to tell me without hesitation.
I walk up to Ben and place a tentative hand on his forearm. “I’m sorry.”
He covers my hand with his. “It’s not your fault. Sometimes I think you’re in this mess because of me. Maybe if we hadn’t grown up together, the Order wouldn’t have targeted you.”
“My contract?”
“It’s legit, but the reason behind it is bullshit. From what I understand, they choose brides who have no money to fight the Order, and no family to miss them if they were to disappear.”
I jerk back my hand as if he burned me. “Oh.”
Ben reaches for me, grabbing my arms, keeping me still. His gaze searches mine, pleading for understanding. Something I don't know if I can give.
His grip tightens slightly, his fingers pressing into my skin with a mix of urgency and desperation. “That’s not how I see you. You’re the most important person in my life, Lilah.”
He releases one of my arms to brush a stray lock of hair from my face, his touch gentle yet heavy with unspoken remorse. I wait for his touch to ignite the spark Xavier’s does. It doesn’t come. I’m not willing to admit that he was right about Ben’s feelings toward me, but I know for certain that I don’t reciprocate them.
“I know and I care about you too,” I say. “You’re my family.”
I step back with a small smile, my stomach twisting at the hurt expression that flits across Ben’s face. He lets his arms fall to his sides, a sigh of defeat leaving his chest.
“Family,” he repeats in a whisper.
“The Order is wrong. If anything happens to me, I know you’ll miss me.”
“Don’t say that!” His voice echoes in the air, ricocheting off the trees. “I won’t let anything happen to you, before or after your contract is up.”
I shrug with a nonchalance I don’t feel. “I’m sure everything will be fine.”
He gazes at me like I’ve lost my mind. Maybe I have. Finding out that there’s a group of killers running around on campus kind of fucks with your brain. Especially when one of the recruits eats out your pussy like it’s his last meal.
Fucking Xavier.
Chapter 40DELILAH
Ben clears his throat, and the noise pulls me out of my dirty thoughts. My cheeks flush, and I duck my head, hoping he doesn’t notice.
“I’ve been trained to fight since the first day I got here,” he says. There’s a hint of pride mixed in with something darker in his voice. “For the last three years, I’ve learned about poisons, weapons, and anything else required to carry out a summons. They’ve turned me into a soldier, but I’ll use my skills to protect you. I just have to make it through the Trials.”
“You will.”
He nods, his gaze reflecting the uncertainty coursing through me. “I’m going to, or die trying. It’s a series of tests, designed to prove that I’m capable of whatever the Order tells me to do. They’re not easy. Some people don’t make it through.”
“If it’s dangerous, why are you doing this?”
“I wasn’t given a choice,” he says. “The Order sees it as my duty to serve my bloodline and the organization that’s been around for centuries. It’s bigger than me, and I’m powerless to stop it.”
“What happens when you pass Trials? Will they ease up on you?”
“I’ll be fully inducted. I’ll go from being a recruit to a crow, expected to carry out missions while running my family’s tech empire.”
I scrunch my face. “A crow?”
“A group of crows is called a ‘murder.’ It works for a league of assassins. Don’t you think?” He smiles at me.
My laughter is high-pitched, bordering on hysterical. “I can’t argue with that.”
“There’s more to it. The bird has always been synonymous with death, but it’s also one of the most intelligent and highly territorial. I guess whoever came up with the symbol hundreds of years ago had a poetic side.” He shrugs. “It doesn’t matter. I’ve earned my wings.”
I make a face. “What does that mean?”
He grins at me. “You’ll find out during the Crow’s Covenant tomorrow night. It’s one of the few events the brides are allowed to attend.”
“Xavier will be back by then,” I say, recalling how his father said so. I didn’t get it at the time, but now that I do, I find that morbid curiosity rising in me like it always does.
Ben makes a noncommittal noise. “Yeah, X.”
“You don’t like him?”
I pose it as a question when we both know it’s not. The way Ben acted around Xavier the night of the Bride Hunt was a side of him that I’d never seen before. Even now, I can’t make sense of it.
My foster brother pauses, his gaze shifting before returning to mine. “It’s not that I don’t like him. X and I have been friends for the last three years. He saved my life on the first day of initiation.”
Ben’s voice takes on a tone of reluctant admiration. I can relate. Xavier is always pulling emotion from me that I wish didn’t exist. Even now, finding out that he saved Ben’s life does something to my heart. It softens it. Weakens it.