Her whole life felt like it was out of control these days.
Ryan and Julia strolled up about fifteen minutes later. Kate’s stomach took one odd roll when she saw Ryan. Her palms grew damp. Wearing loose-fitting jeans and a short-sleeved shirt, and hiding his eyes behind dark sunglasses, he looked calm—and casual.
And dammit, sexy as hell.
Kate’s gaze cut to Julia. The girl sent her a wicked glare, her disdain for the entire situation evident on her face.
Kate straightened her back. It was going to be awkward no matter what. She might as well get it over with.
Letting out a sigh, she picked Reed up and set him on her hip. “Baby,” she said quietly. “This is Ryan.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “This is your…your father.” She’d tried to explain things to him last night, but the poor kid was so confused, she had no idea what he’d say or do.
Reed looked at Ryan, his little brow wrinkled. Chubby fingers reached out and pulled the sunglasses off Ryan’s face. “You have the same eyes as me.” He turned toward Kate. “Blue eyes, Mama. Not like yours.”
“Yeah, I know, baby.”
He wiggled to the ground and looked up at Julia. “You don’t have blue eyes.”
Julia crossed her arms. “No shi—”
Ryan nudged her in the ribs.
“…kidding, Sherlock,” she corrected with a scowl.
Reed didn’t seem to notice her sarcasm. “Come on. Let’s climb the stairs.”
Julia shot Ryan a pathetic look.
“Go,” he told her firmly.
She rolled her eyes and followed Reed.
Ryan slipped his glasses back on. For a moment, Kate had seen his eyes, and they’d looked tired and sad and a bit overwhelmed. But she’d also seen pure joy flash in those deep blue pools when he’d looked at her son. And in that one moment, she’d seen a part of him she didn’t know existed.
“So,” he said. “I was thinking maybe we could split up for a few hours, you take Julia, I’ll take Reed, we’ll meet back here around noon?”
“Okay.” She looked up the steps at the two kids. What a picture they made, Reed running up and down, Julia tagging along behind. Julia didn’t realize it, but she was already playing the protective big sister, making sure Reed didn’t trip on the steps or fall flat on his face.
“Ah.” Ryan shifted his feet, bringing her attention back to him. “Julia’s been a little” —he scratched his head as if searching for the right word— “shocked, by this whole thing. You let me know if she gets out of line. She can be a handful sometimes.”
“I can handle it, Ryan.”
He nodded. “Okay, I’ll see you back here around noon.”
A weight settled on her chest. How did he do that? Act like none of this mattered? If he was feeling even a fraction of the agony she was, it had to be ripping him apart.
He stepped away from her and up the steps. When he crouched near Reed, he slipped off his glasses. A wide grin spread across Reed’s little face, and he giggled, then slid his hand into Ryan’s and headed back down the steps with him.
“Bye, Mama!” He waved as they headed down the path together.
Her chest tightened, and an ache cut through her soul as she watched the pair walk away. She’d seen Reed hold Jake’s hand time and time again, but it had never affected her the way this picture did. Father and son, one almost a carbon copy of the other, both heading off into the sun together.
She rubbed the pain with the palm of her hand and blew out a shaky breath. This had to get easier. It just had to.
Julia stepped up beside her and crossed her arms.
Kate turned her way. “How do you feel about ice cream?”
“It’s barely ten in the morning. It’ll rot my teeth.”
“So, you’ll get water. Come on.”
They settled into a booth at Ben & Jerry’s. Kate ordered coffee. Julia decided on a root beer float after studying the menu for what seemed an infinitely long time. So much for rotting teeth. Kate eased back in her seat and studied Julia across the table.
Julia flipped her curly hair over her shoulder, leaned down, and took a sip of her soda through the straw. When she glanced up, her eyes were distant. “I don’t need a mother.”
Kate nodded. And so much for being polite.
“I’m only here because my dad and my uncle asked me to come. If you’d have asked, I’d have said no.”
Well, this was going well. Kate pursed her lips. “I see.”
“No, I don’t think you do. I don’t care what those stupid test results say. You’re not my mother. My mother died five years ago.”
“I realize this is hard for you, Julia. It’s hard for all of us. But I assure you, I am your mother.”
“That’s just biology.” Julia folded her arms across her chest. “Lots of women have kids. That doesn’t make them mothers. Mothers stick around. They care about their kids. They don’t…” She swallowed. Tears glinted in her eyes. “They don’t disappear and then come back not remembering anything.”
Kate’s heart broke for the girl. “If I could change it, Julia, I would. I would in an instant.”
Julia looked away. “Doesn’t matter. It still doesn’t change the fact that I don’t need you or want you around. And neither does my dad.”
The words felt like a slap in the face. Kate recognized the girl was striking out, but it still stung.
“He loved my mother, a lot,” Julia went on. “And seeing you has been hard on him, but he’s not in love with you. He knows that now. He’s only being nice to you because of those tests, because of your…boy.” She pushed her soda away in disgust.
“Julia.” Kate tried to keep her voice calm and soothing. She was the adult. She had to remember that. Although, at the moment, she really wanted to run screaming out of the restaurant and indulge herself in a good long cry. “I’m not trying to get in the way of you and your father. I wouldn’t do that. I just want to spend some time with you, get to know you a little. Your dad wants to do the same with Reed.”
Julia bit her lip. “They said you already got remarried.”
Kate’s chest tightened. “They did? Your dad told you that?”
“Not exactly.” Julia looked down at the worn table. “I heard him talking to Uncle Mitch about it. Did you?” When she shot a nervous glance up, Kate saw the questions swirling in her green eyes.
This wasn’t the way she wanted the conversation to go. But she couldn’t change the subject. Not when it was so important. Figuring honesty was the best route to take, Kate nodded. “I thought so. I don’t really know how to explain the situation because I don’t quite understand it myself. But I thought I was married. If I had known about you and your dad, though, things would have been different.”
“He died, right? That’s why you came looking for us.”
“Yes, he died. That’s how I found out about you.”
“What was his name?” Julia glanced back down again. Kate could see this was hard on her but that she was curious, so she let the topic continue, for now.
“Jake. He was a doctor.”
“Do you miss him?”
Kate let out a breath. “I don’t know what I feel right now, Julia. Things are pretty messed up at the moment.”
“But you weren’t really married to him, right? ‘Cause legally, you’re still married to my dad.”
Oh, man. There was a thought. And a reality. “No, I guess I wasn’t. Your dad and I haven’t even talked about that yet, though.”
Julia twirled the soda glass between her hands. “You will. And you can fix it. People get divorced all the time. My dad will go for it.”
Another slap. Kate didn’t quite know why it hurt so much.