“It makes some kind of sense,” said Icarus.
“Pray continue with your most interesting narrative, Mr Woodbine,” said Johnny Boy.
“I was set up,” said I. “From the very beginning. I was diverted away from the briefcase case, because I would have found things out in the wrong order. Barry told me all about how God had this thing about Jewish virgins, so I head off to the Crimson Teacup, where God conveniently shows up and then conveniently gets shot in an alleyway, right in front of my eyes.
“Making me the star witness. And what an unimpeachable witness, the greatest private eye of them all, in the pay of a most illustrious client, to wit, the wife of God. She was in on it with Him, as if you hadn’t guessed.”
“I hadn’t,” said Johnny Boy.
“I’m losing the plot here,” said Icarus. “I’m becoming confused.”
“Try to keep up, kid. It’s all pretty simple. Well, at least it is for me. So I’m right there, right? At the right place at the right time to witness the murder of God. And it might have worked too, if I hadn’t gone back disguised as a reporter and been recognized by Sam Maggot and bopped on the head. I’d have fingered Colin for sure, which was what his mum intended. But I wouldn’t have been able to prove it, so he would have walked free. So God’s wife would have got the money. Colin would have got the Earth and I’d have probably ended up in the fiery place without a sweet thank you for being such a sucker.”
“But there is no Hell any more,” said Icarus.
“Yeah, but there will be again, kid. As soon as Eartha gets the money and pays off all God’s debts, Heaven and Hell will be back on the go and all will be right with the world once more.”
“Explain about the video footage,” said Icarus. “We all saw that. We all saw God getting murdered.”
“We saw what God wanted us to see. Or rather what He wanted the insurance company to see. It would look pretty kosher through angelic eyes. They’d see two demons shooting God dead then me dealing death out to the demons. What with that, and my testimony and the weather going mad, what more proof would they need?”
“A body?” said Icarus.
“Yeah,” said I. “You’d think so, wouldn’t you? But would they really expect God’s widow to let them view the body of God? Especially as He died in such shady circumstances. His reputation would have to be kept intact. He was God, for God’s sake. When I was in that alleyway, I saw what God wanted me to see. And on the tape the angelic insurance assessors would see what God wanted them to see. Ordinary folk would see what I saw when I saw the tape for the first time. Me shooting two innocent guys. But after I’d taken the drug and Barry let the effect kick in, I played that tape again and again and I saw something more. I fast-forwarded the tape and after the bit where I fall to my knees and sully my trenchcoat and then I get up and walk from the alley with all the wild weather and everything, there’s a bit more. You have to look real close, with a true professional’s eye. But you can just make out through all the wind and rain and storm, God getting to His feet and sneaking away.”
“What?” went Icarus and Johnny Boy and Captain Ian Christ as well. “You saw that?”
“I guess Eartha would have wiped that bit off the tape before She showed it to the insurance company.”
“So that’s it,” said Icarus, shaking his head. “You actually solved it. You solved the greatest case that ever there was.”
“Who else but me, kid? But the sadness of it is that nobody is ever going to know.”
“Why not?” asked Icarus. “I don’t understand.”
“Kid,” I said, “what did you want more than anything else in this world?”
“For everything to be put right,” said Icarus. “That was my dream, my vocation. To put the world to rights.”
“And the only way that the world can be put to rights is if all the angels and demons who fight it out down here and get mankind into a lot of sticky situations go back to where they belong. To wit, Heaven and Hell. And the only way that is going to happen is for us to keep our big mouths shut, pretend that God is dead and let Eartha pick up on the insurance. She pays off God’s debts and the world is put to rights. Am I right, or am I right?”
“You’re right,” said Icarus.
“And as no-one else on Earth but us knows anything about this, they won’t know that God’s insurance company thinks God is dead. They’ll still go on worshipping Him and God, wherever He happens to be, will be happy to let them do it. Things will be a lot better on Earth. There’ll be an afterlife once more, the good people will go to the good place when they die and the bad ones will go to the bad place. And that’s why I can never take the credit for solving the greatest case that there ever was.”
“He’s right,” said Jesus. “That’s how it has to be.”
“But it’s …” Icarus threw up his hands. “It’s dishonest. I thought that God was all good.”
“I think we’ve all had enough theology for one day,” said Johnny Boy. “Let’s just settle for this as a happy ending.”
“Yeah,” said I. “Well you would say that, wouldn’t you?”
“I just did say it,” said Johnny Boy.
“You know,” said I, with more gravitas than a gut-shot gunman at a herring-gutters’ ball. “You got me thinking back there, on the rooftop. I really couldn’t understand just how it was that you didn’t die up there.”
“A happy happenstance,” said Johnny Boy. “All’s well that ends well. Isn’t it?”
“Oh, please,” said I. “I’ve come this far, I’ve worked the lot of it out. You wouldn’t deny me a little bit of glory, seeing as how I can never ever talk about this case.”
“Eh?” said Icarus. “What’s all this?”
“Ask Johnny Boy,” said I.
Johnny Boy grinned. “Go on then,” he said to me. “Do it.”
I reached down to him and with more panache than a pool-shark on the poop deck of a Pooh-Bah’s paddleboat, I took hold of his hair and ripped off his wig and his mask.
To reveal the face of …
Yes, you’ve guessed it.
No you haven’t? Then let me tell you.
The face of Richard E. Grant himself.
Otherwise known as God.
“Dad!” said Jesus. “It’s you! You’ve shrunk.”
“I’ve always been a master of disguise, my boy.”
“No,” said Icarus. “This can’t be happening. It can’t.”
The face of Richard E. Grant smiled handsomely up at Icarus Smith. “It can be,” said He. “And it is.”
“No,” said Icarus, and tears were in his eyes once more. “No, it’s not fair. It can’t be.”
“I know,” said God. “You feel cheated, don’t you? Cheated and deceived. You feel now that you really didn’t do anything. That I helped you out every step of the way. But I didn’t, you know. You did it all yourself.”
“No,” said Icarus. “I didn’t. You did. From the very first time I met you. It was you all along. You helped me at Professor Partington’s. When you opened the shed door and the breeze blew the map pieces conveniently into place. And in the pub, when I threw the tablet into the air and said ‘Let’s leave it to fate’ and the tablet fell straight down my throat. You did it. And you’ve done it again and again. I trusted you. I thought you were my friend. But I was nothing to you. Just another pawn in your game.”
“Hey, kid,” I said. “I’d ease up if I were you. This is God you’re talking to, you know.”