"Come on, spare me all the questions. "
"Comrade Manna Wu, do you understand what you are doing? You've really lost your head, haven't you?" She pointed her forefinger at Manna with her thumb raised, like a pistol.
"Please, just help me!"
Haiyan tittered, then said, "All right, I'll find you a place."
Because hotels and guesthouses in every town demanded an official letter before taking in a guest, it was impossible for an unmarried couple to find lodging in any of them. Manna had to resort to the help of Haiyan, who seemed to have infinite connections. Two of her siblings lived in Muji. That was why she had readily promised to find Manna a place.
On Thursday, at lunch, Haiyan sat down by Manna and nodded to her meaningfully. After others had left the table, she handed her a brass key and a slip of paper with an address on it. She said, "My sister's going to visit her parents-in-law this weekend. You can use her home on Sunday. "
"Thanks," Manna whispered.
Haiyan batted her eyes. "But remember to tell me what it's like, all right?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know." Haiyan batted her eyes again.
"Damn you, as if you didn't know. "
Chuckling, Haiyan patted her on the shoulder and said with a straight face, "Every man is different."
Since she decided to take this step, Manna had been possessed by a thrill that she had never experienced before. She began to have a faraway look in her eyes and smiled more to herself. At night she often felt as if she were in Lin's arms, her breasts swelling and her tongue licking her lips. She was amazed to find herself having changed into a rather voluptuous woman in a matter of a few days. She enjoyed sleeping without her pajamas on, although she was afraid that her roommates might see her naked legs if she kicked her quilt off in her sleep. The thought of spending an unforgettable day with Lin invigorated her limbs and filled her heart with ecstasy.
The next day when they were walking together in the late afternoon, she told him about the arrangement and even mentioned she would buy a bottle of plum wine and two pounds of smoked sausages. She got so carried away that she didn't notice the shock in his eyes.
"Lin, this is a fabulous opportunity," she said. "We've never had a place for ourselves."
He frowned a little and went on kicking pebbles while walking silently.
The setting sun was like a huge cake sliced in half by the brick wall of the compound. A few patients in blue-striped uniforms were playing soccer with a group of boys on the sports ground. Dried leaves were scuttling about, making tiny noises; bats were twittering and flitting about in the chilly air.
Seeing him unenthusiastic about the arrangement, Manna said peevishly, "I just want to spend some time with you alone, to have a heart-to-heart talk. That's all."
Still he didn't say a word. The look on his face seemed rather distant, although he was blushing a little. Running out of patience, she asked, "Do you think it's easy for me to have gone this far? I've risked losing everything, don't you understand?"
"'Risk' is the word," he said thoughtfully. "It's too big a risk to take. We shouldn't do this."
"Why?"
"Didn't we promise Ran Su not to break any rule? This would get him into trouble too. I'm a married man; if the secret is out, we'll be dealt with as criminals, don't you think?"
"I don't care."
"Don't lose your head, Manna. Think about this: just a moment's pleasure will ruin our lives for good." She didn't answer.
He went on, "Besides, you know Haiyan Niu has a loose tongue. Even if she doesn't tell anybody now, what will happen after she gets married someday? For sure she'll tell her husband about this. Then they will have something on us. You know there's no wall without a crack. If we do this, sooner or later people will find out."
"She promised not to tell anybody. "
"Do you absolutely trust her?"
"Well, I can't say that. " She shook her head. Something stirred in her chest, and tears came to her eyes, but she controlled herself. " What should we do with this?" She waved the key, which glinted in the last sunlight.
"Return it to Haiyan before this weekend. It's crucial to show her that we won't use the place."
His words made her ashamed, and in silence she blamed herself for yielding to her passion. She was overcome with doubtful thoughts. Why did he refuse to spend time with her alone in town? Did he have another woman in his mind? Unlikely. Pingping Ma had left the army the year before, and Lin had treated her merely as a tomboy; he and that girl had just been book pals. Whom was he close to these days? No one except Manna herself. Still, he might've been seeing another woman. No, if so, it couldn't escape her notice since she saw him every day. Then why did he seem to have no desire for her at all?
Manna feared that in his eyes she might be a different woman now. How she regretted having listened to Haiyan.
They passed the medical building, which looked like a green knoll because of its mossy tiles. Two lights flashed on inside. There was a meeting at seven o'clock to study a document recently issued by the Central Committee, which demanded that all the revolutionary rebels fight with words instead of force. Lin would have to attend the meeting, while Manna should get ready for the night shift.
Haiyan was surprised when Manna handed the key back to her. Manna explained that they had to keep their promise made to Ran Su and that they shouldn't break the rule.
Haiyan said, "Hmm, I didn't know Lin Kong was such a loyal friend. A good man indeed. No wonder somebody called him 'a model monk.'''
"Like I said, he isn't a bold man."
"But doesn't he love you? Maybe he's no good in bed."
"Come on, he made a baby with his wife, a very healthy one."
Haiyan sighed feebly and clasped her hands. "To be honest, Manna, perhaps he doesn't love you enough to run the risk. Are you sure you know his heart?"
She didn't respond, still uncertain why Lin wouldn't go to bed with her. She felt that there must have been something more than the reason he had given. Many men broke rules for the women they loved, and some did not regret having done that even when they were punished. How come Lin was so different from others? Did he really love her? Why was he so passionless? Did his refusal mean he was reluctant to get embroiled with her?
Gradually Haiyan's words sank in.
8
In spite of his calm appearance, Lin was quite disturbed by Manna's boldness. That same night, lying in bed, he reviewed the details of their meeting in his mind and felt he was right to ask her to return the key to Haiyan. If he had not opposed her wish, there would definitely be disastrous consequences. Ever since he made his promise to Ran Su, he had tried to cool down his passion for Manna, always reminding himself that he must not fall too deeply in love with her. To his mind, it was still unclear whether their relationship could develop fully and end in marriage, which would require him to divorce his wife first. He had better not rush it.
Outside the window, raindrops were dripping from the eaves, producing a light ding-ding-ding sound. With his eyes closed tight, Lin tried to go to sleep. But a voice rose in his head, asking, Don't you want to make love to Manna?
He was startled by the question, but replied, Not now. Sex is out of the question. It would ruin both of us.
You really don't want to sleep with her? the voice persisted.
No, honestly no. I love her and am attached to her, but that has nothing to do with sex. Our love is not based on the flesh.
Really? You have no desire for her at all?