She worried that, with her compliant nature, she might be a target for bullies. But so far so good. She loved school, and her little group of close friends were cheerful, easy-going girls Ruth trusted. That being said, Emma could be a feisty little thing, especially in the face of a perceived injustice, but this was a positive in Ruth’s opinion: Emma could be counted on to protect Beckie from the other children if need be.
‘I don’t want to ride,’ Beckie was insisting now, even though riding Hobo was her favourite thing in the world. She was leaning back on the fence getting her breath, one arm hugging a post, as Emma, Hobo and Alec trotted up.
‘Are you sure?’ said Emma.
‘Uh-huh.’ Beckie undid her pink riding helmet and balanced it on the fence post. ‘Absolutely sure.’
Absolutely was a new favourite word.
Ruth looked at her daughter, drinking her in, feeling her stomach plummet and a shiver run through her. It was as if love for your child was a terrible physical force that swept through you and left you weak, frozen on the edge of a terror you couldn’t name.
Sara had been right – Ruth had never felt love like this before.
Or hatred.
How could those people have hurt her? How could they?
‘Aren’t you tired out?’ Alec asked, doing a comical stagger. ‘Personally, I’m knackered.’
Beckie laughed. ‘We can have a rest if you want? I’m not, like, really tired. But my head’s hot. I don’t need to wear my helmet if I’m not riding, do I?’
‘Yes you do, Beckster.’ Alec picked it up and plonked it back on her head. ‘What if you tripped up and Hobo stood on your head?’
Both girls for some reason found this scenario hilarious. For several minutes all they could do was laugh, Emma staggering to the fence and supporting herself on it and then on Beckie, the two girls clutching each other as they shook, eyes streaming.
All three adults laughed with them.
Then: ‘Now, come on, girls,’ said Ruth when it had gone on long enough and showed no signs of abating.
‘Sorry Mum,’ Beckie gasped, leaning back on the fence and trying to make her face serious.
‘Emma,’ said Pam.
The girls were both gasping, more exhausted by their laughter than by any amount of running around the field. Ruth remembered how it had felt, this hysterical prolonged hilarity with friends, the agony of trying to stop. There was something almost desperate about it, something not really enjoyable at all.
‘Come on now,’ she said again.
But they couldn’t stop. They would sober for a while but then erupt in fresh paroxysms of mirth whenever they looked at each other, made all the worse by Alec’s, ‘It wouldn’t be so funny if it actually happened.’
When they seemed finally to have laughed themselves to a standstill, Alec looked over at her. ‘Mum, Beckie needs to wear her helmet, yes?’
In fact, Ruth considered this unnecessary – Hobo wasn’t going to step on Beckie if she fell over, the pony was far too sensible – but she said, ‘Yes. Let your head cool off a bit and then put it back on. Better safe than sorry.’
Beckie’s mouth twitched.
And then Emma was gasping, ‘Imagine you all sorry,’ and Beckie was making a sad head-squashed-by-Hobo face, and Emma was wailing ‘… wee myself!’ and running for cover in the broom.
6
Jed rolls over on the settee when I put on the telly and goes, ‘Load a pish.’
But I’m having my Bargain Hunt. I’ve been sweating on that fucking exercise bike for a fucking hour while that prick’s been swadging on the settee wasting space as fucking usual.
‘Get to your bed if you’re wanting to sleep,’ I says, getting comfy in my chair with my wee bit scone and my cup of tea. The Rotty comes and shoves his gob at me, slavers swinging, and I says, ‘Beat it.’ The kids feed the dug crap and that’s why he’s in your face twenty-four-seven.
I get my tablet on my knee and navigate through to FAF: the Forced Adoption Forum. I cannae post after that wee fucker EagleHasLanded got me banned, and I cannae open the ‘Members Only’ section, which is the best bit, but I can still read the other posts. I can still see how my pal Big Bertha’s doing trying to stop her lassie’s bairn getting taken off her. I dinnae have an email or nothing for Bertha, so I cannae get in touch with her. I registered again under a different email and username and sent Bertha a wee PM asking for her email, but then I cannae help myself, I’m getting sucked in to a thread on hearings, and some bastard goes ‘CoopyBird is Bekki’s Gran back’ and that’s CoopyBird’s arse banned before Bertha’s had a chance to reply to the PM.
I dinnae want on their fucking forum anyway.
Fucking bastards banned Bekki’s Gran the first time for telling MrMan to get his babby’s photy on Facebook like we’ve got Bekki’s, and get the media involved and try and find your wee laddie. Fucking FAF is meant to be helping folk who’ve had their bairns taken off them, and I get my arse banned for that? All the other bastards were just giving it ‘I know it’s hard, but at least you’re allowed to send your son birthday and Christmas cards and get photos three times a year’ like MrMan was gonnae turn round and say ‘Aye that’s fine then thanks very much’. The poor guy has lost his wean because the wean’s ma wanted it adopted, and she got pregnant by MrMan when they were both jakied, and the court says the poor guy isnae fit to look after the babby, even though he’s at uni and that, and his ma and da are gonnae help, because he’s on the sex offenders’ register because that wee hairy was fifteen? When I says about Facebook and the media he’s all ‘But I don’t want to get in trouble and have them stop the little contact I do have’ and I’m ‘Couple of fucking cards a year?’ and he’s ‘Yes, you’re right, Bekki’s Gran, what have I really got to lose?’ and I’m ‘Go for it, MrMan,’ and my arse was banned for that?
I open the section ‘Contact with the Child’.
The latest thread, ‘Help! Council mistake gives contact details!!!’, was started by JennyPenny.
Hi all, got a bit of a strange one here, the County council (not going say which one) sent our son’s Ex-Partner a copy of the adoption order for their child after she wrote them to ask them to send it because she’s entitled to see it by Law but they’ve made a mistake and the details of the couple our GD is being placed with havent been sensored.
So… We now have their names and address!!
What to do? Obv we’re not going to alert the council that we now have this info, my son is all for making contact but I’m worried this might be held against him. My son’s Ex doesn’t want to do anything.
Thoughts, anyone?
Thanks, JennyPenny
EagleHasLanded was straight in there:
JennyPenny, you MUST NOT do anything with this information, you must send the documents back to the Council, alerting them to the problem, and forget you saw this. Any attempt to contact your granddaughter will have serious repercussions for you and your family and could compromise your prospects of contact at a later date.
Then all them that always sook up to EagleHasLanded:
Fran: JennyPenny, Eagle is right, you must forget you saw this. Hard I know. Hugs.
KJ: God Almighty, what next? Bloody idiots. But yes, you can’t do anything with the info. Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear, but I have to say I’m a bit worried by your reaction: