“Other than the whole delivering drugs part of that, what’s the bad part?”
“During transit, a couple of my bags burst so the deckhands fed the sharks…I’m not real proud of that.”
“You’re okay with people sucking that stuff up their nose, but you feel guilty when a few cows die who were weeks from dying anyway?”
“I don’t feel particularly good about either one, I’m just telling you the first thing that stood out in my mind when you asked me what I wasn’t real proud of. I want you to know that, until recently, I have viewed what we do as simply providing a recreational drug to recreational users. In order to protect myself from the ripple effects of what we do, I routinely—and with great numbness—turned a blind eye to those whose indulgence surpassed recreation. If they couldn’t handle it, that was their problem. Not mine. I’ve viewed our business as a couple of bootleggers outrunning ‘the man.’ Truth is, we’re peddling strychnine. And it poisons everyone but us. Somehow, we’re immune. Or were.”
Sweat beaded across her top lip. “Charlie Finn, you don’t scare me. Who you see in the mirror and who I see are not the same man. There’s a disconnect. A contradiction. Several times in the last few days, I’ve watched my daughter slip her hand in yours as she walks downhill or climb onto your shoulders like a human jungle gym. I watched you pay a man for damage at his resort with no plans of ever staying there.”
“I didn’t know you saw that.”
“I told you before. I’m poor. Not ignorant. His face told me when he walked out. I’ve watched you hang from a rope and dig a well with no intention of ever drinking the water when for more than the last decade not a man around here has been willing to do that. And every day I watch you scour a country for a kid that’s not your own. And then I watch you stare at me and wonder if a girl like me could ever fall for a boy like you. So you’ll forgive me if what I see disagrees with what you tell me.”
I eyed my watch, loosening and fastening the band. The proof of my skill as a liar and deceiver was evident in her innocent belief in me and my innate goodness. The fact that she was still standing there. The truth of me—of my role in the failure of Cinco Padres Café Compañía—sat on the tip of my tongue, and yet for reasons I cannot articulate, I could not spit it out of my mouth. I guess maybe I didn’t tell her the truth because I couldn’t stand the thought of losing one more woman to the truth of my life. Maybe I could change. Maybe the truth would hurt too much, and it’d be better to hold it. Keep it where it couldn’t hurt her, as she’d already suffered enough. No need to go picking off the scab. So many times I’d wanted to look back at my relationships and ask, “What’s wrong with them?” but every time I did, the only common denominator between me, Amanda, Shelly, and now Leena was me. Sooner or later, the problem is not them.
I kept my mouth shut.
She stood, leaned across the space between us, and kissed me. First on the cheek, then she stepped back, cradled my cheek in her palm, and kissed me on the side of my lips, and then on my lips. She held there. Tender. Soft. And inviting. While her lips were pressed to mine, the argument inside my head was raging. Some part of me wanted to save her from me.
I knew better and she didn’t—which was the growing source of ache in me.
Slowly, she pulled away, wiped her thumb across my lips. A satisfied smile. She whispered, “I want you to know I haven’t kissed a man since my husband died. For years, I didn’t want to, and for several more I couldn’t find anyone worth it. I’ve been holding that a long time.”
When she turned and began walking inside, I watched her—her shoulders, the vein throbbing on the side of her neck, the small of her back, the angle of her hips, the lines of her calves. She wasn’t inviting me to follow her, but she wasn’t wishing I’d look away, either. In her own way, she was allowing me to look—to soak in the sight of her, appreciate her as a woman, and I was pretty certain she’d not allowed that in a decade, either.
My emotive response to both Amanda and Shelly was a deep desire to ease their pain, to not regret, to not be alone, to not have to face life without them and what that said about me. Of course, I cared for them. Deeply. And not all of my reasons for being with them were selfish but many were. What I felt for them can best be described as “deep affection.” A product of convenience. Of geography. Of my own need. Watching Leena climb the stairs inside, I couldn’t honestly tell you that I loved her—I’m not sure I’d know that if and when I felt it—but whatever I felt for her was different. At every level, and the depth of it convinced me that while I’d told both Amanda and Shelly that I loved them, I knew then, sitting on that pool deck overlooking the Pacific, I had not.
Not even close.
* * *
I sat by the pool a long time. It was close to 2:00 a.m. when I thought about going to bed. I walked to the edge of the pool and was about to turn out the light when I heard a stick crack, followed by footsteps, a shuffle, and a guttural grunt. Then another footstep. Another shuffle. Another grunt. I stepped into the shadow and watched as a lone figure walked up the steps from the side of the house toward the pool. He climbed the last step, leaned against the railing, and steadied himself. I was moving toward him when he took a step and fell headlong into the pool. His still body floated facedown as a cloud of red spilled out of his side and into the water around him.
Chapter Twenty-Five
I was screaming for Paulina before I hit the water. I dove in, caught Zaul by the shoulders, flipped him, cradled his head, and began pulling him to the side. By the time I got him to the steps, she’d turned on the light and was standing at the railing—her gown flowing in the wind. She saw us and disappeared.
I dragged his body from the water and laid him out on the pool deck. His face was busted up. Whatever piercings he’d once owned had been ripped out. His ear had been torn. Eyes were swollen. Had a nasty cut over one eye and beneath another. Someone had carved on one of his arm tattoos with a sharp object and one shoulder seemed out of place and resting lower than the other. He was clutching his rib cage, and when I pulled up his shirt, I could understand why. Deep black-and-blue contusions surrounded his entire torso. One leg seemed limp and weak. A couple of his fingers were swollen and one looked broken. But that was not the worst of it.
The worst was an open gash on the side of his stomach that wound around his back. Infected and actively bleeding—it was an ugly wound. He’d stuffed it with paper towels and a piece of cloth I couldn’t make out. Based upon his ashen appearance, he’d lost a lot of blood, and based on the caked stains on his clothes and skin, he had been for a while.
Paulina landed next to me about the time I figured out he wasn’t dead. Least not yet. He was delirious and fading in and out of consciousness, muttering words I couldn’t understand. Her finger immediately landed on his carotid while the other hand propped open an eye. Didn’t take her long. She checked his injuries, including his side, and shook her head. “He’s very weak. Fighting infection.” She pointed to his face, arm, and side. “He needs about a hundred stitches. He’s dehydrated. He needs a hospital, but—” She held up a finger. “If we put him in a hospital and he’s done anything deserving arrest since he’s been here, the police will arrest him and put him in a Costa Rican prison, and you and his mother and father will never see him again no matter how rich they are.”
Blood was trickling out of his face. I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and began dialing Colin. I spoke as I dialed. “Colin can be here in an hour and either find an airport close or land his jet on the highway a few miles from the house. This time of night there won’t be anyone on the road.”
As soon as I said this, Zaul’s hand came up and covered both mine and the cell. He held it there, shaking his head, preventing me from dialing. His words were muffled, and I couldn’t understand what he said the first time but I did the second and third. “Not going home.”