With a suddenness that caused me to spring backwards, and thereby to occasion a very unnecessarily hearty chuckle on the part of Mr. Budlong and of the workman, who had stopped to see, the machine threw both its hands to arm’s-length before it, as if to catch me, and held them stiffly out; raised its eyebrows; stared hideously with its eyes; opened its mouth long and wide, grinning, and showing two great rows of white teeth, like a vicious horse; and shouted out in a high, harsh, ringing tone, a steady and sustained vowel-sound of "A—a—a—a—a—ah!"
This vocable it pronounced as in the exclamation, "Ah!" A bellows in the abdomen of the creature wheezed and blew busily. All his senseless entrails sprang into miscellaneous activity; and with much rattling, squeaking, and whizzing, and an occasional gesture and grimace, the substantial portion of the ministerial functions was directly under my notice, in actual operation.
Having waited a few moments, my guide turned off the wind; and the shriek of the spectre ceased. He still, however, held out his hands, gibbered, stared and grinned; occasionally rose as if on tiptoe, and came down on his heels with a hard jerk; shook his head violently, or seemed to squint for a moment at the end of his nose. All at once something choked or hitched in his viscera: the eyes turned clear round as if in a fit, and stuck fast; and with a snap and a click the minister stood still.
"No matter," remarked Budlong. "They operate rather singularly sometimes, before the power is regulated, and the oiling completed; but it’s all right." So he led the way to the tailor’s shop.
This was merely a shop where all the well-known varieties of current costume were manufactured; and no particular account of it is necessary. The ministers now being turned out were clothed to order, either in dress-suits, or in surplices, or other pulpit overcloths of white or black. Some were trimmed in a truly superb style, even to a real gold chain and diamond ring, and did very great credit to the enterprise and decorative talent of the concern.
We remained only a little while in the tailoring department, and passed on to the proving-room. Upon opening the thick and well-secured double door of this room, the scene within, and the sudden and terrific hubbub of voices that burst out, again startled me. I was reminded of those old magic halls wherein heroes of romance find enchanted armed statues shouting and striking furiously about to guard the entrance, or exclude the curious from the secrets of their prison.
Upon entering the room, I beheld nearly two dozen of finished (or, as one might figuratively say, ordained) ministers, in complete clerical costumes of various kinds, and in full blast, delivering each his sermon in heterogeneous and chaotic confusion of matter and manner altogether indescribable. The scene was wholly without parallel either in my experience or my conception, unless in the study-rooms of the great conservatorio or music-school at Naples, where, as I have read, a hall full of students practise each his own instrument, without regard to time or tune of the rest; or in the bedlamitish vociferations of a crew of maniacs confined in one place.
I gazed at this extraordinary exhibition in utter extremity of astonishment. Not only was the human quality of the voices, and the thoroughly natural articulation, perfectly astounding, but the forms and attitudes of the speakers—such was the artistic skill of the manufacturers, were also entirely and unaffectedly human; some, as in life, being easy and graceful, in one or two instances almost to statuesque beauty; while others were grotesquely stiff, angular, and awkward. The eyes, moreover, and the motions of the whole countenance and head, as well as those of the hands, arms, and figure, were governed by a similar adaptation.
Close to me stood a large and pompous man, declaiming in a full and even tone a discourse in which I thought I recognized a sentence; and indeed, upon listening more closely, I discovered that it was one of Bishop South’s best sermons. At the farther end of the apartment, a tall, gaunt spectre with large frame, harsh features, and rather coarse garments, was swinging his fists, and vociferating an exhortation which seemed suitable for a camp-meeting. Near him stood the apparition of a smug, fat young divine, of comfortable appearance and oleaginous smile, enunciating, in silvery voice, and the style of Praed’s
a series of well-balanced and correctly worded sentences. Another, I should have said, in secular rather than clerical costume—a dry-visaged, dogmatic-looking creature—was reciting in a lifeless way a string of phrases, which I could not define, until I caught the words, "egoism," "altruism," "altruistic," "egoistic," all in one single sentence. He was a Positivist, of course.
The remainder of this assembly were, each in his own proper style, performing the duties of their office, with an honest zeal, and, even in some cases, an impassioned ardor, which could not be sufficiently commended. After listening and looking for a considerable time, I signified that I was satiated with the whirlwind of ministerial eloquence. Hereupon we left the exercitants in charge of certain workmen who were superintending the proving process, and passed on to the exhibiting room.
This was a large and convenient hall, somewhat obscurely lighted, and fitted up with small desks, or pulpits, for the better display of the wares on sale. We entered the room at one end; and, the windows being darkened with heavy curtains, the various clerical forms, standing calmly and silently in two rows along the sides of the long room, each in his place of authority, recalled to my remembrance that tremendous and impressive representation in the Hebrew prophecy, of the long and stern array of departed kings sitting still in the depths of Hades, ready to welcome the great Babylonish tyrant to his throne at their head. I also recollected—by some uncomfortable and fantastic association of ideas, and to my mortification at the absurd and unseasonable suggestion—Jarley’s Wax-Work.
My guide hastened to admit more light into the room, so that the deep gloom was lifted away, and the various aspects of the patent ministers became distinguishable; although the room was yet, with shrewd, business-like, tact, left dim enough materially to enhance their very remarkably life-like appearance. He then proceeded to exhibit for my benefit the operation of various single styles of execution, and the working of those adjunct mechanisms which he had mentioned in the machine-shop. For this purpose he selected an automaton which he called a "first-rate article of the grand improved combined-action patent minister," and which he characterized as superbly finished; and, indeed, as a very favorable specimen of the manufacture. Unceremoniously fumbling about various portions of the ministerial uniform, he seemed to adjust springs or machinery in sundry places, wound up the mainspring with a crank, and, turning to me, observed—
"There! the machine is wound up and ready to go: I have, however, disconnected all the actions except the bellows and escape-pipe. You will therefore observe, that, upon being put in motion, he will only blow."
Such was accordingly the result. The accurate workmanship and careful adjustment of the machinery rendered its operation as entirely noiseless as the normal functions of the human body; and a sort of whew or puff was the only evidence that the minister was at work.
Budlong then proceeded to gear on the vocalizing apparatus; whereupon the squall or shrieking monotone of "Ah!" which I mentioned before, again came from the lips of the automaton. He next put into operation the gesture and expression attachment, which caused also, as before, the stretching out of the arms, the contortions of the visage, &c.