Woodenly, Tarrin remembered the library as he realized he was watching Auli walk away, and his eyes were not on her back. He growled at himself for doing exactly what he asked Auli not to do and then turned around and stalked towards the main Tower.
He found Dar in the library with Dolanna, and after a pleasant, short conversation with her, Tarrin borrowed her student and they walked along the outside grounds of the Tower. Tarrin had alot to talk about with his Arkisian friend, and it took him a while to try to organize things in his mind, so he'd know what to ask and how to say it. Until then, he disclosed to Dar his debacle with Auli, telling him what she'd done with him after Dar left a those two times and then telling him about the confrontation they had earlier. That made Dar flush, and then he laughed ruefully.
"I really wish you would have come to see me before you said that," he said. "I may have been able to help."
"She flirted with you too, Dar. Did she try to seduce you?"
"No," he said, and he sounded a little disappointed. "But you said it to her all wrong, Tarrin."
"I know," he sighed. "Now she's really going to come after me."
"Just keep one of the Were-cats with you."
"That's even worse than having Auli after me," he grunted.
"Well, then let her catch you and be done with it," Dar shrugged.
"Then Jesmind would kill her," Tarrin told him. "I don't think Auli realizes I wasn't joking about that."
"Well, then I guess you have a problem," Dar grinned.
"You're alot of help," Tarrin accused.
"I've never been very good with girls, Tarrin," Dar said. "I mean, look at me. I want to ask Tiella out, but every time she comes near me, I get all tongue-tied and forget what to say."
"I thought you and her were friends."
"Well, we are, but back then I thought she was just cute. I really wasn't looking at her that way."
"This from the man who boasts about how many naked girls he's seen," Tarrin teased.
"Looking at them is a bloody lot easier than talking to them," Dar admitted with a rueful laugh. "Anyway, what did you want to talk to me about, Tarrin?"
"I need you to help me," Tarrin told him. "Phandebrass found something out today."
"What?"
Tarrin told Dar about what they'd managed to discover earlier that day, and Dar's eyes turned sober when Tarrin explained the possible ramifications. "I don't know what to do, Dar," he admitted. "Jesmind and the other Were-cats keep pressuring me about being a Were-cat again, but I just don't know if that's what I want. And if it isn't what I want, I don't know if I should try to get my memory back."
"That does sound like a problem," Dar agreed.
"So I need to decide that first," he continued. "I thought I had more time to think about it, but as soon as the Were-cats find out that I should regain my memory if I'm turned again, they're going to be lining up to bite me."
"That's no lie," Dar agreed. "So, Tarrin, how can I help?"
"I want to know the truth, Dar," he said grimly. "Not this person's version of the truth, or that person's version of the truth. I want to hear the whole story, and I think you're probably the best person to ask. I know that the Were-cats have already decided what to do with me, but I think that even people like my sisters and Jenna and Dolanna and Camara Tal probable also have their own opinions, and they'd try to sway me one way or the other if I asked them."
"You're right about that," Dar admitted in a low tone. "Dolanna's been talking to me about you, and she doesn't think you should be changed back. I heard Jenna talking to her parents, and she's talking like they got you back from the dead, so I think she's decided you should stay like you are. I know that Keritanima and Allia are your sisters, but right now they're arguing about you. Keritanima thinks you'd be better off staying human, but Allia thinks that you're less than what you're supposed to be as a human, and that all the suffering and work you did to get where you were before you were turned human again would be for nothing, and all the honor you gained as a Were-cat was lost when you became human again. Allia's got funny ideas sometimes. The funny thing is, both of them told me that it's because they think it's what you would want. I guess they don't know you as well as they thought they did."
"They did know me, Dar," Tarrin said.
"I know what you mean," Dar nodded. "Miranda thinks you should be a Were-cat again too, so Kerri's getting it from both sides."
"What do you think, Dar?"
"Well, I think that it's your decision," he replied.
"That's why I asked for your help," Tarrin said with a relieved smile.
"So, what can I tell you?"
"I want to know what I was really like, Dar," he said seriously. "I've heard what Dolanna said and my sisters have said and Triana's said, but they all seem to be holding things back. I want to know the whole truth."
"Actually, they did a pretty good job," Dar admitted, scratching his chin.
"Then I really was like that?" he asked.
"For a time," he agreed. "But you've changed alot since I met you, Tarrin. The Were-cat I met was nothing like the Were-cat you became after Jula betrayed you. I think everything bad you became goes right back to that one act. And the Were-cat I knew right before this happened was alot different than the one you were before. You went into the desert paranoid and pretty mean, and when you came out, you were alot more mellow and friendly."
"They said I'd changed."
"Alot," he agreed. "When you and Kerri and Allia were in the Initiate, you were actually alot like you are now, but not quite. I guess that's because it was closest to who you were before you were bitten."
"Was I happy, Dar?"
"I really can't say," he said honestly. "You seemed happy sometimes. You were definitely happy with Jesmind and Jasana. But most of the rest of the time, it was too hard to tell. You were a very hard man to know, Tarrin. You never let anyone get very close to you, even among us. Only Allia and Kerri and Dolanna understood you, and they'd never talk about you with the rest of us. Even at the end, what happened with you and Jula had permanently scarred you. Between that and the mission, it really didn't give you much room to be you. It was very hard on you."
Mention of that reminded him of what he was carrying at that moment, in the magical regions of that place Dolanna called the elsewhere. The Firestaff. The one thing that the majority of the world was struggling to find, and he was the one who had it. The quest to find that artifact had been the whole reason he and the other had come together. For that, at least, he was glad it had happened. But from what he'd heard, that was about the only positive thing to come about from the whole thing.
"If you're trying to find out if you were happy being what you were, I don't think anyone can answer that but you, Tarrin," Dar told him soberly. "You'd need to get back your memories to find that out, because can any one man really say he knows what's in another man's mind?"
"A Sorcerer could," Tarrin said with a teasing smile.
"Well, I guess in that case yes, but you know what I mean," he said defensively.
"It's hard to believe that I was really like that."