Web Site Story

'I didn't have a band on my list.'

'Poor show,' said Mr Shadow. 'You should have used your initiative.'

The chauffeur drew the Cadillac to a halt, swung open his door, stepped from it and opened the rear door to assist the Prime Minister.

Mr Doveston required considerable assistance.

'Now that's what I call a pair of shoes,' said Mr Speedy.

Mr Doveston struggled from the Cadillac. They really were what you would call a pair of shoes. A big pair. A high pair. An elevated pair. They certainly uplifted the Prime Minister. He struck his head on the floor of one of the watchtowers.

'Ouch,' he said.

Mr Speedy stepped forward. 'Good morning Prime Minister,' he said.

'Pardon?' the Prime Minister called down. 'You'll have to speak up, I can't hear you too well up here.'

'Spiffing shoes, Prime Minister,' called Mr Speedy.

'Thank you very much,' the PM shouted down. 'Multifaceted love-tunnels and five-core cantilevered tremolo-armed Spiedel honey-wrists. And those are real bare naked ladies sealed inside the transparent heels, my Aunty Ajax and my cousin Domestos.'

'Magnificent,' called Mr Speedy. 'Hello Aunty Ajax. Hello cousin Domestos.'

The aunty and the cousin mouthed hellos.

'So, if you'd like to follow me,' said Mr Speedy, 'I will conduct you on a walking tour of Suburbia World Plc, before we get on with the tape-cutting.'

'You have to be joking,' said Mr Doveston. 'You don't think I can actually walk in these shoes, do you? Tell me all about it. And tell me about it in Runese please. It makes everything so much nicer.'

'It's Fandabbydozy,' Mr Speedy began. 'And Supercali

'Fragile,' said Old Vic, as the charabanc bumped over a speed ramp at considerable speed. 'Very fragilistic. Very delicate.'

'What is?' asked Old Pete, who -was driving.

'These fuses,' said Old Vic. 'They're nitroglycerine. Or pretty much the same as. A combination of mucus and certain other personal bodily secretions.'

'Why are you telling me this?' Old Pete asked, as the charabanc took a corner on two wheels and on-board Brentonians cheered wildly.

'Only because if you don't drive carefully, we'll all have our bottom parts blown to kingdom come.'

Old Pete slowed to a respectable fifty.

Old Vic said, 'That's nice.'

'Nice,' said the Prime Minister, gazing about at all and sundry. 'Very nice indeed.'

Derek squinted. Past the towering swaying Prime Minister, past the infamous Cadillac, past the other limousines containing the Prime Minister's retinue, through the open main gates and up the road that led to Kew.

'Excuse me,' said Derek to Mr Speedy, who was wringing his hands and fawning at the Prime Minister's feet. 'But where are all the visitors? I thought we were expecting ten thousand at the very least.'

Mr Speedy turned his face to Derek. It was a face that suddenly wore a troubled look. 'Where are the visitors?' he asked.

'Don't ask me' said Derek. 'How would I know?'

'Because you were supposed to be arranging the transportation.'

'Me?' said Derek. 'Me?'

'It's all on your list. Show me your list.'

Derek fumbled in his pockets. Did he still have his list or had he given it to Leo? 'I don't have my list any more,' said Derek. 'But there was nothing mentioned about transportation on my list. Just Morris Minors and a steam train and crad barges and…'

'Not on that page,' said Mr Speedy. 'On the second page.'

'Second page?' said Derek. 'I never had any second page.'

Mr Speedy looked at Mr Shadow and then Mr Speedy and Mr Shadow looked very hard at Derek. And Mr Pokey, who had been listening to the conversation, joined Mr Speedy and Mr Shadow in looking very hard at Derek. Mr Doveston looked down from on high, but as he hadn't been able to hear what anyone was talking about, he didn't look particularly hard at Derek.

'Don't all look so hard at me like that,' said Derek. 'It wasn't my fault. You only gave me one page.'

'Rubbish,' said Mr Speedy. 'Rubbish.' He had his little briefcase laptop jobbie with him and he opened it up with hands that were all a-trembhng now. 'He did have it,' said Mr Speedy to Mr Shadow, as he tapped at the keyboard pads. 'I printed out both pages, see, I'll do it now.' And he pressed a little button.

Derek peered. 'So,' said he. 'What's supposed to happen?'

'It's printing out,' said Mr Speedy.

'It isn't,' said Derek. 'It isn't doing anything.'

'Well it should be doing something.' Mr Shadow snatched the little briefcase laptop jobbie from the trembling hands of Mr Speedy and began to shake it all about.

'Don't do that,' said Mr Speedy, trying to snatch it back. 'You'll break it. That's delicate equipment, that. The Mute Corp 3000 series.'

'That's a 3000?' said Mr Pokey, slinging in his three-pennyworth. 'You should have been issued with a 4000 model by now. Didn't you get an email from head office?'

'A female from head office?' the Prime Minister called down. 'Is she nice? Would she like to go in one of my shoes?'

'Just a slight technical difficulty,' Mr Speedy called up.

'Slight?' said Mr Shadow. 'Slight?'

A smirk broke out on Derek's face.

'Get that smirk off your face,' Mr Shadow told Derek. 'You're in real trouble now.'

'Me?' said Derek. 'It's not my fault. It's all the fault of your stupid Mute Corp computer.'

'How dare you cuss the company name.' Mr Pokey gave Derek a shove.

'Don't shove me,' said Derek, shoving back.

Mr Pokey bumped into Mr Shadow, knocking the briefcase laptop Mute Corp 3000 series computer jobbie from his hands.

'You've broken it,' cried Mr Speedy. 'You've broken my…'

'It was already broken,' said Mr Shadow, shoving Mr Speedy.

'Don't shove me,' said Mr Speedy, shoving back.

'What's all this shoving about?' the Prime Minister called down. 'Is it part of the entertainment? Will there be any dancing girls?'

'He likes the ladies, doesn't he?' said Derek, getting a really big smirk on the go.

'Mind what you say about de Prime Minister, Babylon,' said the PM's chauffeur, giving Derek a shove.

'He's got bare naked ladies in his shoes,' said Derek, shoving back. 'The Prime Minister's a pervert.'

'I heard that!' shouted the Prime Minister. 'Arrest that man, Winston. He's obviously a subversive, you can tell by his footwear.'

Winston tried to draw out his pistol, but with all the pushing and shoving going on around the Cadillac, this wasn't easy. And, 'All get away from me car,' shouted Winston, as Mr Speedy shoved Mr Shadow against it and Mr Pokey fell over the bonnet and landed all in a heap. 'Yo scratch de paintwork, I kick yo ass.'

'Don't loaf about down there, Winston,' called the PM. 'Place that man under arrest. Place them all under arrest. They're spoiling my day out.'

'Ah shut up!' shouted Derek, shoving upon a Prime Ministerial shoe. A bare naked lady waved from within and then made a rather fearful face. The Prime Minister staggered backwards, trying to regain his balance, his arms flapped and he did that comedic-tightrope-mime kind of thing that always drew a standing ovation from the patrons of the Tomorrowman Tavern. Even from the ones that remained sitting down. Or at least they used to, back in the 1970s in the golden era of comedic-tightrope-mime acts.

And then amid all the pushing and shoving and Winston finally drawing out his pistol, the Prime Minister fell. Slowly and gracefully backwards from on high onto the electrified fence.

'Electric,' said Old Vic, holding up a battery. 'One wire goes in this end and the other wire goes in this end and both the other ends of the wires go into the explosives. Or was it the other way round?'