My parents push their chairs back in unison with such force that the table pitches forward. They almost knock Trisha over trying to hug her and I instantly realize that being spontaneous was a sucky idea. I have given them the completely wrong idea and Trisha is giving me the “you will pay for this asshole” look in a profoundly convincing way.
“Paddy, Paddy . . . We’re going to be a grandparents!” Ma yells, even though we are all within feet of her.
I leap to my feet. “Wait! Wait a minute! It’s not Trisha!”
In unison their gazes move to Patrick and back to me.
“What are you talking about, Paul?” my father asks. He’s not amused with my shenanigans, and obviously he wants some answers.
“It’s Elle.”
Patrick gasps and Trisha snorts.
“Elle?” Ma says. “What does that have to do with you being an uncle?”
“The guy she was seeing wants no part of it so I told her I’d help.”
“Help how?” my sister asks.
“Yes, what exactly do you mean by help?” My dad asks with a scowl on his face.
“I bet he’s in charge of diapers because he’s so full of shit,” Trisha says.
“Shut it, Trisha,” I growl.
She points at me. “Don’t even . . .”
“Paul? Help how?” my mother says in a stern tone that I recognize. If I don’t start making sense soon I’m going to be in the doghouse for sure.
“You know . . . just being supportive. We’re good friends so I calmed her down after the guy was an ass about it.”
My father shakes his head. “Ass indeed. What kind of man can he be?”
My fingers instinctively curl into fists. “Don’t get me started. I want to beat the shit out of him.”
“Goodness. You are supportive,” Ma says as she studies me.
“I am. I did some research online and bought her pre-natal vitamins.”
Patrick jumps in. “Those are very important.”
“How do you know that?” Trisha asks with an arched brow.
He shrugs. “Doesn’t everyone?”
I glance over at Mom and her expression has softened. She looks at my dad, and then back at me. “You bought vitamins for her baby?”
I nod. “It wasn’t a big deal. I’m happy to help her. She’s a good woman, Ma.”
Patrick nods.
“She is,” Ma agrees. “Poor lass to be in such a situation. It’s a lot for one woman to manage—too much really.”
“And a baby needs a father,” Dad says.
His words sting because no matter how supportive I am, being an uncle is nothing compared to being a dad.
Ma turns to Patrick and Trisha. “You two, we need a word alone with Paul.”
“Why can’t we hear?” Trisha asks.
“Do you really need to ask that? You and your agitating comments . . .”
“It’s part of my charm,” Trisha remarks with a grin.
Patrick stands up. “Come on, Trisha, let’s go do the dishes.”
Ma waits until she hears the water running in the kitchen before she turns to me. “Paul, we want to know, is there something going on between you and Elle that you aren’t telling us?”
I can’t help but squirm in my seat. “No. Why do you ask?”
“I just can’t imagine why you would take this on if you aren’t involved. Saying you are going to be an uncle is a serious business. You can’t just flitter in and out of the wee one’s life.”
“I’m not the flittering type, Ma.”
Dad rests his hands on the table. “We know that, son, but you haven’t known Elle long. Do you really know what you are getting into? She’s embarking on the biggest job and responsibility of her life. And although I’m very sympathetic, how will you handle it if she asks too much from you?”
“That’s not her style. If anything she tries to do too much on her own, when she should ask for help.”
Ma twists her hands together.
“Do you think badly of her for this unplanned pregnancy?”
“No,” she scoffs. “That’s life—mistakes happen, but a baby is a gift regardless.
And Elle is a lovely woman who’s been married . . . she’s not a sixteen year old girl who was careless.”
“And we’ve always liked her,” Dad chimes in.
Ma nods. “She just needs to make the best of it, and it sounds like she’s trying.”
“She is,” I agree.
Ma gives me a stern look. “Okay, but how are you going to meet a girl and have your own family if you’re so busy being uncle to Elle’s baby?”
“And what if the father changes his mind and decides to be with Elle after all?”
“Believe me, he’s a whack-job . . . I really don’t think that’s going to happen.”
“But you can’t know that for sure,” Dad says.
I stand up and push my chair back. “Look, I appreciate your concern for me, really I do . . . but the bottom line is that I truly care about her and she really needs my support. I figure the rest will be worked out in time.”
“Please be careful, son,” Dad says.
I nod and then Ma steps up and hugs me tightly. I can’t read the hug: is it tinged with worry, protective urges, pride or disappointment? Perhaps it’s a mix of them all.
The following week we’re back at In-N-Out because Elle has a craving. She must be very brave to eat another Double-Double so soon after the last one’s untimely ending. With each bite she moans, closes her eyes, and smiles so it seems like things are going well. Honestly, watching her eat that burger is the closest thing to watching porn but everyone’s clothes are still on.
When she finishes it she elaborately licks each finger, and I keep having to look away.
“What?” she asks before pressing a napkin over her lips to blot the ketchup that remains.
“Oh nothing.”
“Then why do you look uncomfortable?”
“Do you always moan that much when you eat?”
Her cheeks immediately blush pink. “Was I that loud?”
“Uh huh. That would have made a great sex scene soundtrack.”
“Oh no! I’m horrified.”
“Don’t be. It was hot. I’m sure every man within hearing distance of our table has a hard-on right now.”
Her eyes grow wide. “Do you?”
“What do you think?”
She sits back in her seat. “Well, at least I’ve still got it. I thought men didn’t find pregnant woman sexy.”
“Oh, that’s so 1950. I’ve seen some very sexy pregnant women. ”
“Like who?”
“Well, you for one.”
“Really? Be honest now, you just lust after my big boobs. Besides, I don’t even look pregnant yet. Let’s see how you feel when my belly gets round.”
“Will you let me touch it?”
“My voluptuous chest?”
“No. Your round belly.”
“Sure. Anytime.” She pats her tummy gently and smiles.
“Paul?”
I glance over to see my sister’s friend, Holly, holding a tray and standing at the edge of our table.
Awkward. I wonder how much of that conversation she overheard.
“Hey, Holly. Long time no see.”
She glances at Elle. “Is this your girlfriend?”
While I’m thinking of an equally rude and invasive retort, Elle jumps in. “No, we’re just good friends. I’m Elle by the way.” She gives Holly a little wave.
“Hi there. I was just wondering because Paul never returned my call about coming with me to the reunion next month.”
“But you weren’t even in my class. Why would I go to that reunion?”
“Because you promised me when you wouldn’t go to the prom with me that you’d make it up to me one day.”
I bite the inside of my cheek so I don’t laugh out loud. “Surely you didn’t think I meant that?”
“So you were lying?”
“Absolutely. I really didn’t want to go to the prom.”
I leave out the ‘with you’ part.
I see Elle’s eyes twinkle as she takes a sip of her shake. She’s enjoying this way too much.
“I think you should go to the reunion with Holly,” Elle says.
Traitor!
How could she do this to me after I volunteer to be her baby’s uncle?