“What’s going on?” Caroline asked.
“Michael and I had a very sweet night the other night, and I love what we’ve got going on, but I have a confession to make.” She glanced around the table, then down at her drink. “I’m totally scared that I’m going to have a relapse if I push the agenda I want too far.”
“A relapse in what manner?” Emma asked.
Piper shifted in her seat. “You all know to some extent what happened to me in the past. My breakdown happened a long time ago, but just to sum it up, I had a bit of a crisis when I had sex with Pete all those years ago. It sent me spiraling down into a deep, dark hole. Since then I haven’t really enjoyed sex as much as I used to. That’s not true—I have enjoyed it, but I’ve chosen, almost without realizing it, to be a passive participant, something Marianne always warned me I was doing, but I refused to listen. But, honestly, I was too scared to change anything after the breakdown, for fear I’d experience that same crushing feeling again. It really was horrible.” She glanced around the group. “It was out of my control completely, a visceral reaction I couldn’t stop. It felt like I couldn’t breathe for days. I don’t have to tell all of you that I value control in my life, so this really freaked me out. I didn’t think I’d recover. But”—she held up a finger—“lately all that has slipped away. I’m happy to tell you that when I’m with Michael, I finally feel normal again. I love the new path we’re on, but it’s still a little rocky. I think I’m holding back—no, I know I am. I don’t want to, but what it boils down to is, I’m still really scared, but this time I’m scared to ruin it.” She spread her arms open. “So there you have it.”
Gillian was the first to respond. “I get it, Piper. I really do. I’d be surprised if any of us were immune to that feeling with our own husbands. We’ve all chosen to live on the edge in terms of sex and pleasure. And that in and of itself makes us vulnerable to massive insecurities. I came into this lifestyle early—like teens early. I knew I liked it my way. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling withdrawn and unhappy on occasion, or overthinking what the world thinks of me. But it’s one of those things where after I accept I’m having an off day, I allow myself to forgive myself for being who I am. That way I’m able to keep those feelings at bay. You can, too.”
Caroline nodded along to what Gillian was saying. “You know my story all too well,” Caroline said. “Having just gone through it, it’s still very raw for me. That’s why Jace and I aren’t seeking out anything more than the two of us right now. I’ve come to accept who I am, slowly, and I feel much stronger for it. But I’m still taking those baby steps you drilled into my head. Without those, I’d be a mess. Every day is a new level of acceptance for me, and some days are harder than others. But, overall, like Gillian said, I finally feel like I have control over my emotions.”
Emma leaned over the table, lowering her voice since the waitress had just stopped at the next table. “Piper, you’re someone who loves being in control, and you’re so confident in all other aspects of your life. This is the only place you’ve stumbled. But that doesn’t mean you can’t get that control back. Like everyone here is saying, you really have to accept that what you did with my husband wasn’t a bad thing. If you can let it go, and embrace it as something good instead, maybe you’ll feel less…uncertain moving forward.”
Caroline set her drink down. “If you think back, can you identify exactly what you felt after you were with”—she cleared her throat—“Pete? I felt shame. Like I’d cheated on my husband by receiving pleasure from another man. I felt that I’d broken our marriage vows. The feeling in my chest was so tight, I couldn’t think straight—hell, I couldn’t even see straight. I still have a hard time remembering what happened exactly after the encounter. But you’re the one who helped me through it by challenging me to see that Jace and I didn’t share the same viewpoints on the matter. That was a huge deal for me. Jace was coming at it from a totally different place, and I had heaped all my insecurities on him, thinking he was internalizing it like I was. If you can identify the trigger, maybe you can get past it once and for all?”
Piper thought about it for a moment.
It was hard for her to recall that specific time in her life without feeling panic in her chest. She glanced around at her friends, all of them waiting for her to respond, and smiled. She felt safe here. “Honestly, I think right after it happened, I felt like I would never be enough for Michael. It’s so weird, because the overall experience was good.” She glanced at Emma. “Your husband is very sexy and knows how to give pleasure. Everyone had a good time. It didn’t really hit me until I couldn’t get up the next morning. Instead, I was assaulted by visions of Michael shaking his head at me and this deep feeling that I had failed.”
“But Michael was happy that night,” Emma said. “I remember it distinctly. But I also remember that you weren’t your usual spunky self when we were done. I told Pete after you left that I didn’t know if you’d be up for it again. Then we didn’t see you guys for about a year. But you did eventually come back, and you seemed happy. But the first thing you told us, unequivocally, was that you wouldn’t be having sex with anyone—including your husband—during our encounters. That was a change, but we rolled with it.”
Gillian drummed her fingers on the table. “I have a thought. Piper, your husband is really good-looking—like, ridiculously so. That man should at least get a bad haircut once in a while so we can all feel adequate in our own lives.”
Piper grinned. “Yeah, I know. He’s dreamy.”
“Your feelings of not being enough for him might stem from that. You’ve always gotten off on other women craving him, wanting him, and him getting off on them. But is that how you truly felt? Or is that what you thought you deserved?”
“Deserved? How you do mean?” Piper asked.
Gillian placed her elbow on the table. “You know me, I’m going to say whatever I want, so take it with a grain of salt. But when you first met Michael, did you think, ‘Hey, this is a great match for me. He’s totally my equal!’ Or did you think, ‘Wow, this guy is way too good-looking for me. I’d be lucky to land him, but even if I do, he’s never going to be into me’?”
Piper reflected for a moment. “You know, now that I think about it, the first two things that went through my head the first time I saw him were: ‘I want to fuck this guy so bad, and even if I get one night it will be enough,’ and ‘He will never be satisfied with only me.’ Michael was a player before I met him. But so was I. I never faulted him for that. It was just the way it was.”
Caroline slapped her palm on the table. “That’s it! You’ve subconsciously sabotaged your own feelings right from the get-go. For your entire marriage you’ve felt inadequate, thinking Michael would always desire other people! So you convinced yourself that you’re turned on by what you thought Michael wanted. But it’s not what he really wanted! Oh, this is so good. We’re finally getting to the gooey center.”
Gillian turned to Caroline. “The gooey center? What are they, a couple of lollipops?” Gillian couldn’t suppress her grin. “You’re like if Sesame Street started producing furry orgies.”
Caroline snorted. “Hey, it’s taken a lot of licking to finally get to this center, so they just might be lollipops. But that’s neither here nor there. What Piper needs to do now is figure out what she wants independently of what she thinks Michael wants, and then do it. If she can survive that without breaking down, and thinking she’s going to lose her husband, she’s on her way to being healed!” Caroline glanced excitedly at Piper. “I really think this is going to work!”