Piper started to laugh.
Caroline’s face was so sweet and earnest.
But Piper was laughing because the relief was overwhelming. Caroline was totally right. “When did you get so intuitive?” Piper asked her pal. “I think you’ve been holding out on me. I should’ve just confessed all my sins to you the day you moved in next door, and it would’ve saved me a lot of time and energy in the stress department.”
Caroline picked up her gin and tonic. “Oh, no, if you would’ve told me back then, I would’ve been totally aghast. Jace and I would’ve likely moved. I would’ve been too intimidated by you.” She took a sip and set her glass back down. “I wasn’t ready then, but I am now. The question is, what do you need in your life? What turns you on? No more taking a passive role, and no more worrying about your husband. He totally loves you. You’re his sun and moon! He’s not going to stray, and you’re not going to break up.”
Emma nodded. “Caroline is right. You’ve always been all about Michael’s pleasure. But like I told you at lunch a few weeks ago, Michael wasn’t into it like you thought. He just wanted you to be happy, so he was playing the role he thought you wanted him to play.”
“It sounds like you were both acting the parts,” Gillian added. “Both thinking if you didn’t give each other what the other wanted, you would drift apart or fall out of love. It’s kind of romantic in a weird way. These two beautiful souls who come together and try their best to make the other one happy, even though they’re both going against what they truly desire.”
Piper tried to speak, but there was a lump in her throat.
All the things they were saying rang true.
She just hadn’t wanted to see it. She’d been so worried about losing Michael all these years that she’d become passive to make sure he had what he needed.
The waitress came at that moment and set down their food.
The girls busied themselves scooping it onto small plates. Once Piper had her plate full, she folded her hands in front of her and said, “I want to thank all of you. You’re all right. The root of this is that I’ve been fearful that I would never be good enough for Michael. It was love at first sight for me. He was—is everything I ever wanted in a man. Hot, sexy, smart, funny. I think I convinced myself right then and there that he would never feel the same way about me. Our first time together was just too perfect, almost surreal. Then we got married, and I couldn’t believe my luck.” She shook her head and took a bite of her flatbread. After she finished chewing, and trying to swallow around her still tight throat, she glanced around. The girls were patiently waiting for her to finish. “Instead of doing what I wanted, I did what I thought he wanted, so he’d continue to love me. But in the end I was miserable. It ended up pushing us apart anyway. This past year has been really tough.”
Caroline reached across the table and grabbed on to her hand. “What you don’t see, that we all see clearly, is that Michael is deeply in love with you. And I mean the man couldn’t be more smitten. He’d do anything for you. You’re his person. His perfect soul mate. I think if you asked him, he’d tell you he’s been as miserable as you’ve been all this time. Now you guys are finally back on a track, and that’s wonderful.”
“Yes, and as much as it’s work, the top ten was the spark you needed to be you again,” Emma said. “It was a great catalyst. But I think you originally did it because you thought it would make Michael happy, right?”
Piper nodded. “Right. I love the sex, but I hate that it feels planned. Just like all those years of setting stuff up ahead of time. We had the best sex ever the night we went to Le Repas. We went at it in the service elevator like when we first met. It was amazing. That’s what I want. More of that. To feel free, happy, and get my much-needed adrenaline rush.”
“So what are you going to do now?” Gillian asked. “Just like Caroline asked you before, what turns you on? Independently of Michael. And I just have to say here that I respect you for what you did for your guy, consciously or not. I’m the polar opposite of you. I do everything I want, and everyone else can fuck off. But now that you’re bringing all this up, I don’t even know if Brad loves what we do. He seems into it, but is he really? That’s something for me to ponder. I love my man, but I’m also one selfish bitch.” She took a drink of her beer. “I don’t know if I could even change my ways if I found out he wasn’t into it.” She shook her head. “I’m going to have to do some soul searching of my own.”
Piper grunted. “I’m selfish in all other areas, believe me. I want what I want, when I want it. I don’t even know if kids are in the cards for us because I like my life to myself. But that’s a discussion for another time. But what turns me on? Just me? God, that’s a good question. I’ve been in the same holding pattern for so long, I’m not even sure. The first thing that pops into my mind is I want to do something brand new and exciting. I want to be floored and totally surprised by sex, and not worry, at all, for one second, about my husband’s pleasure. But at the same time I want to surprise him. To tell you the honest truth, I’m so tired of being worried about my sex life and my marriage, I just want to be. Does that make sense?”
There was nodding all around.
“It makes total sense,” Emma said. “And if this works for you, I might need to take a page out of your book and try it for myself. Like you, I’m constantly wondering if Pete is happy, if he’s turned on enough, if what we’re doing makes him happy. It’s exhausting. I think I’m in the same boat. What he and I really need is a vacation.”
“Then take one,” Gillian urged. “There’s nothing like getting away for a while to figure out what you like about each other—and don’t. Vacation is the ultimate equalizer.”
“Michael and I took a minitrip not too long ago,” Piper said. “But we weren’t in the right head space to figure anything out. My husband’s workload is always heavy, so we’re never able to go on a long trip. But I agree with Gillian. You should plan something big and fun. Total relaxation and lots of sex!”
“I agree wholeheartedly, Emma. You deserve a vacation.” Caroline addressed Piper. “What’s at the top of your wish list for sex? Maybe you can incorporate that into your top ten as the very last thing you do? Once it’s over, you tell Michael everything and get it all off your chest. It’s kind of a must to talk to him. If you don’t do that, you can’t heal this old wound.”
Piper downed the last of her martini. “I know I’ll have to talk to him, but that doesn’t mean I want to. Thinking about telling him all this still makes me queasy. He could just as easily say this is not what he wants, then what?”
“He’s not going to,” Caroline answered. “He’s going to be happy that you’re happy. You’re going to have to trust me on that.”
Piper nodded.
“She’s right, you know,” Gillian said. “Michael is going to be massively relieved when all this is settled. Once it is, you guys can start experimenting again like I know you want to. You just brought up attending an orgy the other day. That’s not for someone who wants to take a passive role in her sex life. That’s someone who wants to jump in with both feet. In fact, that’s what I think your new start should be. You go to the orgy and balls-out have a great time, and don’t worry for one second about your husband. Make it about you and your new beginning.”
“Wow,” Caroline commented. “That would definitely be jumping in with both feet. I think it’s a bold idea. If you can get through that without a breakdown, I don’t think you’ll have anything to fear from that point forward.”