I was proud on that first visit to Donegal to hear Sadie speak of my family and our lives as if we were special. Her efforts to impress her father seemed to be having little effect, however. And to be truthful, I couldn’t stand all that praise for much longer. In an attempt to distract her, I asked of her sister, Noreen.
‘Noreen not about so, out on the town, what?’
Now here’s the issue I had with all of what was to follow: had a sister of mine been mentally unwell, I think I would’ve found the time to tell your mother before she waded in and made a complete fool of herself in front of my parents. I’d told her about Tony after all and she knew to tread lightly. But no, in her wisdom, she had told me nothing about Noreen. My foolish, innocent question hung there, like a grenade with the pin pulled out. I saw the panic. Michael looked at me like I was some new specimen of gobshite. Sadie couldn’t even turn her head but stared at the tea in her cup, her hands gripping the saucer in her lap. While her mother glared at her daughter, wondering how she had brought such a man into their home.
‘I told you, Maurice, I did! I told you our Noreen was a wee bit soft,’ she whispered, as soon as her parents left the room. Embarrassed by the whole affair, they’d gone to gather their coats and things for the afternoon visit to Saint Catherine’s where your Auntie Noreen was living, apparently. I was livid.
‘Yes, but I thought you meant sensitive, you know touchy. And what’s more, you didn’t tell me she lived in the local asylum!’ That bit, a little louder than I’d intended.
‘Would you keep your voice down.’ Her hands flapped at me as she looked anxiously towards the half-open door. ‘I thought I had. Honestly!’ she continued, whispering again. ‘And in fairness, that only happened recently, just before I met you, in fact. I’ve only been getting my own head around it. Mammy just couldn’t cope any more. What with her hitting and all. And with Daddy out working and me away, well, they’d no choice.’
‘What’s wrong with her anyway – what do they call it?’ I asked, my exasperation and voice mellowing on hearing what the family had been through.
‘Melancholy, they say. And don’t ask me what it means. All I know is she gets very down and can lash out when things aren’t going her way. She was lovely as a wee one, a really cute little sister. I wish there was a picture to show you but we only have this family one. She’s thirteen there,’ she said, crossing the room and taking down a photo that sat on the mantelpiece. She studied it as if she’d not seen it in a long time, handing it to me. ‘You can see it in her, can’t you? The distractedness, the not all thereness.’
‘So when did she start being like that? Did she go to school?’
‘For a year or so. But she used to get so upset at the others. If they’d use her pencil or rubber, she just couldn’t take it. That was enough. They knew then she was easy prey. Cruel, they were. Threw stuff at her in the playground or on the way home just to rise her. She’d be raging, crying and shouting. It was too much for her and me, to tell you the truth. The day Mammy and Daddy decided they wouldn’t send her there any more was the happiest day of my life. Isn’t that just an awful thing to say? But I couldn’t have been more relieved. Not having to defend her and protect her any more. I could just … be free of her.’
Those final words were said so quietly that I almost missed them. A small little whimper escaped between the fingers she’d raised to her lips. I put my arm around her shoulder and pulled her to me and kissed her head. The sound of her parents’ preparations in the distance moved towards us at a steady pace. Sadie ran from the room, out through the adjoining kitchen and the back door. I rose to follow but wasn’t quick enough.
‘Right, so. We’d better go,’ her mother said, standing at the sitting-room door, with Michael behind her. ‘Noreen normally expects us at three. She likes us to be on time. Where’s Sadie?’
‘She just popped out to the yard there. Said she’ll be back in a second.’
‘Well, while she’s out,’ her mother said, coming to stand beside me, ‘me and Michael were just talking and we were thinking that it may not be the best thing for Noreen to meet you today. She can get a wee bit distressed with new people. We’ll tell her you’re about and see how we go, alright? You can wait in the corridor. The Nuns won’t mind that at all, or you can walk in the grounds if you like. They have nice grounds there, don’t they Michael?’
‘Aye, nice grounds.’
‘I just didn’t want to say it in front of Sadie. She can get very upset about Noreen.’
‘Of course. I don’t want to be upsetting anyone. Whatever you think is the best, Mrs McDonagh.’
‘It’s Mary, Maurice. Would you go get herself, like a good man so we can get going,’ she suggested, nodding towards the back door.
I found her behind the shed.
‘They’re ready to go now,’ I said, reaching out my hand to her arm, bending down searching out her face. ‘Are you up to it?’
‘Aye,’ she said, looking as resolute as she could. Wiping away the residue of her tears, raising her two hands to her face, attempting to rub away her upset. I put my arm gently around her waist to guide her to the waiting car.
When we reappeared, her father was already in the car and her mother standing with Sadie’s coat. On seeing her, she didn’t comment on her upset and merely handed over her belongings before insisting I ride up front with your grandfather.
‘Dinky, out!’ she demanded of my former companion. He didn’t protest and dutifully climbed out, his tail between his legs and head bent watching as we all climbed in and my front door finally closed. Sadie’s mother chatted the whole journey; her voice like a radio in the background for that five-mile drive to Noreen, comforting and welcome but to which the rest of us paid little attention.
When we got there, I left them in the car park and took the path around the green in front of the hospital, walking as far as I could before turning to look back at the building. It was huge, monstrous really. About ten times the size of the Dollards’ house. Long and wide with seventy, maybe eighty windows, looking back at me. Chimneys, I couldn’t even count, there were so many, one stretching back behind the other. Turrets and peaks, and a set of big double doors in the front porch. Great thick heavy wooden ones. At another time, with another clientele, the place might have been considered beautiful. But back then it was pure ugly. Grey and dark, its loneliness spilled out of every crevice. Things must’ve gotten pretty bad for Sadie’s mother and father to condemn their daughter to that place, with its ‘nice’ grounds, I thought to myself. One big circle of grass with one tree right in the middle – that was the height of it. Still, I reckoned, if it had been my own child, I might possibly have found solace in the simple things too.
Lost in my thoughts, I could hear shouting in the distance but it was a while before I realised it wasn’t an inmate at all but Sadie, now halfway across the grass, trying to get my attention.
‘You’ll never guess,’ she said, all smiles when she reached me, ‘Noreen wants you to come up. She saw you arrive with us and was upset when you didn’t appear. She kept saying “Him, him, bring him,” and pointing outside. See up there, that’s her room. Isn’t that just great? Mammy’s thrilled, will you come in?’
‘Of course,’ I replied, the two of us already making our way back across the lawn.
I’ll admit I felt anxious. Inside, the building was as dark and dreary as it had promised. Long narrow corridors with closed doors on each side, and an eerie steady hum of machines and voices, pitted every now and again with a loud scream or laugh. At the end of each, residents gathered in communal rooms, overcrowded with chairs and little else. Some sat while others paced. Some rocked as others mumbled. And then some stood perfectly still. Pyjamaed people totally separate in their togetherness. By the door of one of those rooms, a woman sat with her suitcase. Smartly dressed in an outdoor coat.