She was dying again.
She started to hyperventilate. A fucking panic attack, in public, for everyone to see. She glanced about wildly-where could she go?
Strong arms encircled her. She smelled cedar, Baldwin’s natural scent.
“Breathe, baby. Just breathe. Deep in through your nose. You’re all right.”
She was getting tired of people telling her she was all right. Obviously she wasn’t. She was far from all right. She was broken.
She sagged against Baldwin, let him take her weight. How many times had they done this in the past few weeks? Four? Ten? Fifty?
She felt herself center, the panic subsiding. The Ativan was supposed to help avoid and alleviate this very problem. Maybe she should try it again. She just hated to admit defeat. She kept hoping she would find a way to handle this.
“Honey, come on back inside. I think Dr. Benedict wants to finish.”
She fought to get the words out-fuck Dr. Benedict-but they wouldn’t come. Instead, she clamped her lips tight together and followed Baldwin back into the office. They took their seats.
Benedict acted like nothing had happened. He just cocked his head and asked, “So?”
I’ll do it.
Benedict clapped his hands together. “Good. I’ll send word over to Dr. Willig that you’ll be making an appointment to see her ASAP. She’s well versed in conversion disorder; I can’t think of a better doctor to work with on this. I’ll see you back here in a couple of weeks. If you have any pain, or problems swallowing, or bleeding, you get in here immediately, all right?”
They stood, and he walked them to the door. He let his hand linger a moment on her back in reassurance.
“Hang in, okay? This will improve. Time heals all wounds, remember that.”
God, if only that were true.
“I know this is hard. I know it sucks. Whether you’re ready to admit it or not, you’ve been through an unbelievable trauma, no matter how ‘lucky’ you got with that shot. The stress of your situation alone is enough to cause the conversion disorder. Listen, I’ll throw in some incentive. You see Victoria-regularly, mind you-and I’ll talk to Commander Huston about you going back on the job. I see no reason you can’t at least handle a non-field post in a few weeks.”
How much convincing had Baldwin had to do to talk the doc into that? At least driving a desk would be something. Better than sitting at home waiting. Waiting for her voice to come back, or the anger to fade. For Sam to forgive her. For Baldwin to agree to talk about the search for his son.
“Deal?”
She nodded, and put out her hand to shake.
At this point, she’d do almost anything to get back to normal, even if it meant getting her head shrunk. Working murder was her life, her purpose. Take that away and she felt like a shell of herself. Take away her voice too, and she was slowly locking herself down, inside, where only her demons resided. This was a fitting punishment for her sins, to be sure. A little bit of hell on earth. She just wondered how long it was going to last.
CHAPTER THREE
When they’d arrived at Baptist, Taylor had watched an older couple get out of a car in the handicap space, two tiny, shriveled beings, male and female, showing up for an appointment. It had made her sad, the parallels between them-old and young, both hurt and looking to be fixed. Taylor knew her odds were better, but she couldn’t help but feel that this was what she had to look forward to. The romantics of growing old with someone were shattered by the realities of the flesh incrementally dying.
But leaving the hospital, she wasn’t feeling as pessimistic. As annoyed as she was, with both Baldwin and the doctor, she couldn’t help but feel buoyed by her appointment. Having a plan of attack was eminently preferable to this constant sitting and waiting.
“Hungry?” Baldwin asked.
She nodded. She was starving. She wrote Prince’s.
“Hot chicken? At 9:00 in the morning?”
Her mouth started to water at the mere thought. When she was coming up on the force, they ate at Prince’s almost every night shift, right around 3:00 a.m. Ridiculously hot fried chicken, full of spices and peppers, a true Nashville delicacy. It brought tears to your eyes. She’d seen more than one tough cop use the spices in the chicken to cover real tears after a particularly nasty night.
Baldwin laughed briefly. “Prince’s it is.” He turned right onto Charlotte. She stared up the hill, wishing she could go straight to the CJC right now, announce herself and jump on the closest case. Commander Huston wouldn’t like it. She’d given strict instructions about Taylor’s time off. Everyone was coddling her, when in truth a little action might shake things loose. She was mentally stable, the wounds were healed, the headaches were manageable, most of the time. She just couldn’t talk. Really, that wasn’t much of a handicap, was it?
Unless no one believed that was all that was wrong with her.
Baldwin was playing with the steering wheel.
“So you’re cool with seeing Willig?”
Taylor nodded, shrugged.
He took his right hand off the wheel, laid it gently on her wrist. “Honey, remember, I’ve been there. I know what it feels like to revisit a nightmare. To feel like I somehow failed, even when it wasn’t my fault.”
She felt tears prick at the corners of her eyes. Solicitousness was bad. She could handle most anything-anger, fear, pain, concern. But pity set her off. She was too strong to be pitied, damn it.
Baldwin just wouldn’t let up. Every word from his mouth was like stepping on hot coals. Her teeth clenched.
“We can talk about it anytime you want. I want to help, Taylor. Let me help you.”
She responded with a deafening sigh.
Leave. Me. Alone.
They drove on in strained silence until they reached the trailer that housed the restaurant. She was hoping that the spices would loosen things up in her throat, like really hot tea. It hadn’t worked yet, but she was willing to try most anything.
Her cell rang as they pulled into the lot. It was Dr. Benedict’s office. She opened the phone and handed it to Baldwin. He uh-huh’d for a second, then looked over at Taylor. “Today at one o’clock with Willig sound good?”
She nodded. The sooner the better.
He hung up and handed the phone back to her. They got out of the car, let the chilled air surround them. There was a stream of warmth coming out of the side door to the trailer. It enveloped her so thoroughly she almost forgot it was winter.
They ordered their chicken-extra hot for her, medium for him-then sat at the picnic table with a bundle of napkins, waiting for their food to be ready.
“Wanna talk?” Baldwin asked softly. She turned to him, his clear green eyes full of empathy, and shut down. He was doing it again, that look of sadness, of compassion. Couldn’t he just yell and scream like a normal man, get pissed at her for giving him the cold shoulder? He was too understanding. Goddamn it.
How about you go first. A little more detail about your son would be nice. How are things in adoption land?
He flinched as if she’d struck him. Perfect. She’d wounded him right back.
Baldwin stared at her for a second, anger boiling beneath the surface, his lips in a thin, forbidding line. Then he took a deep breath and shook his head, refusing the engagement.
He was so damn patient with her, and she was getting really frustrated with him. They needed to have a knock-down, drag-out fight, clear the air, find a way back to themselves. She’d been poking at him, and he’d been unwilling to react, nor to discuss his side of the issue. It just served to make her more upset. She wanted a fight, even if she couldn’t actually yell at him.