Kate smiled at him. He examined the cold contents of the foil containers, absently rubbing his slight paunch, then sank down into the high-winged leather armchair behind Lucy. Lucy leaned back against his legs. “Good meeting?”
“Not bad. Gavin’s got a new collection of poetry he’s thinking of putting out, and Sally’s got an idea for a new distribution system …”
Kate stopped listening. Although being with Jack and Lucy was like putting on a comfortable pair of slippers, she knew she would leave soon. The thought of going back to the barrenness of her empty flat depressed her, but sometimes she couldn’t help feeling like an outsider, a spare setting at an already complete table. She stared back into the fire as Lucy and Jack’s voices lapped around her. A piece of coal made a snapping noise. The flames danced and quivered, always on the verge of shapes that she could never quite recognise.
That night Kate dreamed she was in a railway station. It was vast. People hurried past, ignoring her. She knew her train was about to leave, without knowing where it went from. In front of her was a huge timetable, but the words on it were somehow indecipherable. Gripped by a terrible urgency, she began forcing her way through the crowds, but as she did, she became aware that she had lost something. Even in the dream she didn’t know what it was, only that she couldn’t go on without it. She tried to retrace her steps, pushing back against the mass of people, but she was in another place now, further away than ever. The urgency became panic. She ran blindly through the station, filled with an awful need to find what she had lost, knowing that time was running out. And all the while everyone around her walked with assured intent, and the Tannoy blared out in a foreign language.
The dream left her with a vague sense of unrest next morning. As she drank her orange juice and waited for the toast to pop, she had the feeling that this wasn’t the first time she’d had it, only the first she could remember. Kate decided she wouldn’t mention it to Lucy. She would only read too much into it.
CHAPTER 3
Later, she was to wonder what would have happened if she hadn’t seen the magazine. Redwood had been on the phone again, making yet more amendments to the campaign. Two weeks after winning the pitch, he was still calling her most days, and when he finally rang off Kate put down the receiver with a feeling of weariness. She opened the Trust’s file, stared at it for a moment, then tossed it down on her desk and sat back. Sod it. She went down to the basement kitchen, deciding to have tea instead of coffee for a change. The kettle was half full. Kate switched it on and dropped a teabag into a mug as she waited for it to boil. On the work surface nearby was a copy of Cosmopolitan. Idly, she picked it up. The glossy cover offered the usual mix of celebrity interviews and sex. One of the captions declared, “Men: Who Needs ‘Em?”. Underneath, in smaller letters, it added, “Donor Insemination: The Shape of Things to Come?” Kate ran her eye over the other captions. Then back. She flicked through the pages. She began to read. Behind her, the kettle gouted steam before turning itself off. Kate didn’t look up. She stood with her hip resting against the work surface, motionless except for when she turned a page. Only her eyes moved, running over the words in a waking REM. At one point she flipped back to reread a passage on a previous page. She lingered over it, then resumed where she had left off. She was turning to the next page when the door opened. Kate jerked her head up. Josefina paused in the doorway. The Spanish girl had an empty coffee jug in her hand. She gave Kate a nervous smile.
“I did not mean to frighten you.”
“No, I was … I was just making a cup of tea.” Flustered, Kate turned to the kettle and saw it had already switched itself off. She clicked it on again. The girl went to the sink. Kate saw her glance at the magazine, and hurriedly closed it. “Sorry, is this yours?”
Josefina brushed a heavy hank of hair from her eyes. “It’s all right. You can read it, if you like.”
“No, I’ve finished with it, thanks.
“Kate put the magazine back on the work-surface as Josefina began to fill the coffee jug from the tap. There was nothing knowing about the way the Spanish girl had smiled, Kate told herself. Why should there be? She’d only been reading a women’s glossy, for God’s sake. There was nothing wrong with that. So why was she blushing? The kettle boiled. Kate busied herself pouring boiling water onto her teabag.
On her way home, she stopped off and bought a copy of the magazine from a newsstand.
Lucy was already at the cafe when Kate arrived. It was lunchtime, and most of the tables were already full, but Lucy had managed to claim one on the pavement under the red awning. As Kate approached, she was flirting with a waiter, a pair of sunglasses pushed back on her head to hold her hair from her eyes. The waiter grinned as he went back inside. Kate pulled back the white plastic chair from the table and sat down. It was warm from the sun.
“Not interrupting anything, am I?”
Lucy gave an easy shrug. “Don’t begrudge me my little pleasures. I’ve got to pick the kids up from the creche in just over an hour.”
They opened the menus. Kate ordered a Greek salad without really looking. Lucy ordered moussaka, giving the waiter another smile as she thanked him. He took the menus with a flourish. She watched him walk away.
“Have you ever noticed how Greek men have lovely bums?”
She turned back to Kate with a sigh. “Anyway, this is a surprise. I thought I’d never see you now you’ve got the new account. How’s it going?”
“Don’t ask.”
Lucy didn’t any more. She was more interested in the argument she and Jack were having over buying new hardware for his business. Kate fuelled her monologue with the occasional nod and smile, hearing none of it. Further down the street, a group of workmen were digging up the road. A traffic warden stopped by a car, wrote down its registration number. A few feet from him, a tramp rummaged in a waste bin. Kate watched them without seeing. She looked back at Lucy and tried to pay attention. She found herself twirling and untwirling her napkin around her finger, and made herself stop.
The waiter returned and set their food on the table. Kate picked at the oil-drenched salad and white cubes of feta without appetite. She realised Lucy was looking at her, expectantly. “Sorry?”
“I said, how’s the salad? These aubergines are gorgeous! I’ve got a recipe for moussaka from a magazine, but it doesn’t taste anything like this!”
The opportunity made Kate’s heart race. “I was reading a magazine article the other day.” Her tone was studiedly casual. “About artificial insemination.”
“Oh, yes?” Lucy didn’t so much as glance up.
“Yes, it’s … you know … surprising how many women have it.”
Lucy was engrossed in a mouthful of moussaka. “Jack’s cousin did. Her husband was impotent. Some sort of hideous accident, or something, so the only way they could have kids was thingy. Artificial whatever.
“Kate forgot her nervousness. “Did they use his sperm or a donor’s?”
“Oh, Kate, please, not while I’m eating!” Lucy pulled a face. “Anyway, I don’t know all the details. They emigrated.”
She bent over her food again, then stopped. She gave Kate a sharp look. “How come you’re so interested?”
Kate made a show of forking up more of her salad. “I’m not. It’s just … you know, an interesting subject.”
She was acutely aware that Lucy was still not eating. There was a silence. Kate kept her attention on her food. Then Lucy spoke.
“You’re not.”
“Not what?”
“Thinking about having it!”