Nobody notices us as we slip in, it’s as if we exist in a separate plane of reality not available to the common person, and in a dark hallway, we start to make love. Not the physical sex, but the slow dance of two young lovers oblivious. Jenifer pushes me against a wall and puts my hands around the middle of her waist so that I can feel the muscles of her lower back and the tightness of her stomach muscles as they curve into her thighs. Her dress is so thin that it serves more as a mental boundary or tease than a physical impediment. I caress lower down her body and I know the sensations of my touch feel like static charges on her bare skin in spite of the flimsy barrier. While I am caressing her, she is slowly unbuttoning my shirt and with the fingernail on her index finger she slowly scratches a deep red line down from my neck, to my chest and over my tight stomach. My belt is undone and my pants are unbuttoned by this point, but before they can be unzipped, I spin her around and push her against the wall with one hand behind the back of her neck and the other hand reaching down around the back of her leg, raising the hem of her dress and letting my fingers slide further and further up her thighs until I barely graze her pubic hair with a light caress. As this is happening she is turning and we are locked into a deep kiss. In real life our kisses are phenomenally electric so my dream becomes a mirror echo of reality at this point. I can’t describe what it is like to feel so erotically connected but maybe it will suffice to say our enthusiasm left little time nor desire to stop and breath we were so caught up in each other, our bodies behaving with abandon. We had sex right there up against the wall, with the fluttering ghosts of people trapped in their reality maneuvering around us, unknowing and unseeing, never aware of the glowing light coming from us as we were joined into one.
It was so fucking erotic that I woke up with wet sheets for the first time in years, sad to have my dream end and blearily re-focused on the reality I inhabit everyday with all the other ghosts.
Last night I grew tired of playing it cool and all the loneliness that goes with it so I walked over to the Karma Café to find Jen. She was really happy to see me I think. Or at least she didn’t act like I was a stalker and before I knew what was happening I was listening to the events of her day and then I was babbling like a nervous theater student in his first competition. I was talking about everything and anything, enthralled to have her with me enraptured by my words and when I mentioned that I had dreamt about her she insisted I tell her what it was all about. “Here goes” I thought, “If I tell her this she’ll be looking at me like I collect women’s ears on a necklace or something.” I did my best to get all the details right, to downplay the sex and focus on the colors and contours of the dream. I even laughed and gave possible explanations about why things that seemed like sex might not have actually been sex, anything to keep what came out of my mouth from sounding like cheap porn.
Amazingly she wasn’t turned off; in fact I think she may have been flattered. Some part of me must have given her a window of understanding into what was going on in my head and she saw it was pure, or she began to glimpse how powerful her presence was to me, even while in a dream state. With a twinkle in her eye she asked what I was so embarrassed about. She basically said “let’s go” and led me by the hand across campus where there were still patches of people flittering about, going home or rushing to put in some late night library time. We spent quite a bit of time trying to find an open building that was mostly empty and when we did find an empty stairwell in the bottom floor of the campus computer building we were both nervous and excited. At one point we could have easily gotten busted by one of the janitors, but he went out the doorway a floor above us. It was great spontaneous sex in a public place. It was cheap and tawdry and nothing like my dream, but it was wonderfully gritty and most of all it was real.
Dreams of fantasy don’t have to deal with locked doors, musty stairs, dust, nosy people and finding places to put your clothes where they can be got at in a hurry in case of problems. For once in my life though, one incredible dream of fantasy actually inspired reality.
Ok. I’ve just been deluding myself and living in a fucking fantasy world where I thought just maybe one day the simplest thoughts about what I want out of life might come true. I’m so fucking wired up that I wish I could just cry or scream or find any way to release this madness inside of me. I can’t believe what a dumbass I am to actually think I was actually okay with having HIM be there with her. Out of sight, out of mind my fucking ass! I don’t really want to put any of this on paper but I suppose I should have some historical reference that I can go back and look at and confirm WHAT A DUMBASS I AM just in case I ever forget.
Slowly but surely I’ve been building a solid friendship and relationship with Jenifer. She is the woman I love but we are technically not “dating” and I thought I understood about her and this long-term relationship she has with Kristoff. I guess I always thought that I would slowly be able to fill in whatever it is that he provides her, as I got closer and more intimate in her life. But like everything else about girls, I either don’t understand or they don’t make any fuckING SENSE!
Today, not less than an hour ago, I think I actually felt my heart rip in two. I rode over to her apartment in Cement City after my swim class and her roommates let me into the apartment. They were having band practice and I stumbled past all the amps, mics, cords and other musical crap they have lying around the living room. I’ve been here enough times and listened to enough of their crappy music that I feel comfortable walking around wherever I please in their apartment now. They tell me Jenifer’s sleeping and I’m thinking, how sweet, I’ll sneak in and curl up with her as she rests. I get to her door, give a light courtesy knock and then walk in like I’ve done what feels like a thousand times by now. We know each other well enough that this should be cool. STUPID. STUPID! STUPID!
I walk in and what the fuck do I see but Jenifer and Kristoff, naked having sex on her bed. It was one of those moments where everyone just freezes for a second before time can start again. I mumbled a quick apology, shut the door and turned to walk out of the apartment as fast as I could, her roommates giving me this look that tells me they knew what was going on and didn’t even think to stop it from happening. Those dumb fucking assholes! I was feeling like a whore and I was in a stupefied numb daze, which is why Jenifer caught up with me before I could navigate the living room and escape.
She turned me to look at her and asked me if I was alright. Alright? ALRIGHT?!
She was wrapped in a bed sheet, her gorgeous face flush with sex from another man, her blue eyes deep and glistening as she looked at me with genuine concern. I must have had the hangdog look of the century on my face or a great big flashing neon “worlds biggest dumbass” tattooed right on my forehead. Her concern was sincere but unapologetic, so I just nodded dumbly or said I was okay or something, anything to get the hell out of there. The walls in her apartment that seemed so cozy before were small and cramped all of a sudden. I needed to leave. Right then. I knew Jenifer could see that I was barely holding it in and definitely on the verge of freaking out but she wouldn’t let me go, making me look her in the eyes to see if I was ok before the grip on my shoulders relaxed. I just nodded and I guess the situation had been salvaged as much as it was going to get because I left. I walked right out the door with her standing beautifully naked in her sheet and her roommates watching us like an episode of the fucking “Real World”.