He stopped in front of her, bracing his hands on his hips, and gave a harsh laugh. “Jesus, Lil. Everything you did back then was a risk.”
“Now wait a damn minute,” she said hotly, unable to believe he was throwing this in her face. “That’s not fair, Scott. I pushed my limits to help . . . to help deal with the things I was feeling. You got to run all over the world, blowing things up. Living on the edge. Getting away from everything. I didn’t. I needed something to take my stupid mind off how badly I wanted you! Then you left, and I . . .”
“You what?” he grunted, when her voice trailed away.
“I . . . changed.” And she had. She’d been broken when he’d left. Crushed. She’d barely wanted to crawl out of bed and go to work, much less go climbing up the side of a mountain or jumping out of an airplane. Shaking off the remembered pain, she looked at him and said, “What happened on that last op in Minsk? What pushed you away from me?”
At first, Lily didn’t think he was going to answer her. Then he started pacing again, shoving his hands back through his hair, his voice tight as he said, “I made some bad calls that got soldiers killed because I knew Radovich was a threat to your family, which meant he was a threat to you. And I wasn’t willing to live with that.” When he looked her way again, she flinched under the raw force of his gaze. “When I realized I was ready to detonate enough explosives to kill an entire city block of innocent people in order to make sure he could never harm you, I knew it was time I let you go. That I got the hell away from you.”
Her heart was beating so fast that it hurt, and she swallowed hard. “But you didn’t do it, Scott. Wanting to do something and actually going through with it are two entirely different things. You know that.”
He blew out a rough breath, his tall, muscular body vibing with a vicious tension as he continued to pace. “But I almost did. Christ, Lily, you have no idea how badly I wanted to, just so I’d know that bastard could never get to you.”
She couldn’t stop herself from taking a step toward him. “And you don’t think I would have felt the same way about protecting you?”
He stopped pacing and shook his head. “Most women aren’t like that.”
“Well, I’m not most goddamn women,” she shot back, her voice cracking with emotion. “I’m the one who wanted you more than life!”
He flinched, then fisted his hands at his sides and bellowed, “You were a fucking child!”
“I wasn’t,” she argued, swiping at the stupid tears on her face. “You were just too blind to see it. But take a good look at me now. Tell me if you still think I’m a little girl.”
His hot gaze slid up and down her body. “After the things I’ve done to you, you know I don’t. You wanted me to fuck you and I have.”
Her laugh was brittle, filled with pain and the longing for things she knew she wasn’t ever going to get. “I didn’t just want to fuck you. I wanted to belong to you. I wanted to make a life with you. Have a family with you. Grow old with you. And you left without even saying a single word to me!”
“And you don’t think I’m sorry for that? That it hasn’t torn me apart every fucking day I’ve been away from you?”
“I . . . I don’t know,” she said, shaking her head. “How could I know? You give me nothing.”
“I couldn’t!” he roared, swiping his hand through the air. “Fuck, Lily. Listen to what I’m telling you. What I want doesn’t matter. The problem is that the two of us together would be like a goddamn natural disaster. We’re talking storm of the century!”
“No, that’s not true. I think it’s all a matter of perspective, Scott. As well as trust. And just for the record, I happen to love storms. They’re . . . exciting. And beautiful.” She took another step toward him. “If you have the right person by your side, there’s nothing in a storm that can hurt you. Except them. They hold a power over you. One you end up giving over to them whether you want to or not. Even knowing they might destroy you with it.”
He screwed his eyes shut, looking pained, then slowly opened them. “Damn it, Lily. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
She sniffed. “And yet, that’s what you always end up doing.”
“I know.” His shoulders fell as he watched the tears spilling down her cheeks, his tortured voice little more than a croak. “Christ, Lil, I’m sorry. I’ve fucked up so many times with you. I just . . . I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“By breaking my heart three years ago? And then, tonight, using your stupid decoy idea as a way to push me away?”
His corded throat worked as he swallowed. “Yes. But when I saw Mike put his hands on you”—he ground his jaw—“I wanted to kill him. I still do.”
“Yeah, well, you don’t have that right. Only someone who loves me has the right to kill for me.”
“I have every right when it comes to you,” he scraped out, closing the distance between them. He speared his fingers into her hair, holding her head in his rough hands, and put his face right over hers. “You’re mine. Every beautiful, stubborn, mouthwatering inch of you. You may not believe me, but you mean something to me, Lily. A hell of a lot more than any other woman ever has.” His voice dropped, and he pressed his forehead to hers. “It’s scaring the shit out of me, baby. We’re talking pure fucking terror.”
“Her perfume,” she muttered, turning her head to the side, afraid to let his words into the tenderness of her heart. They could do so much damage in there. “You still smell like her.”
“I can fix that.” He took his gun from the back of his jeans, set it on the bedside table, then picked her up and carried her into the bathroom. Seconds later they were both naked and she was against the shower’s tiled wall, the water misting against her face as Ryder lowered his head and took her tight nipple into the scorching heat of his mouth. With her heartbeat roaring in her ears, she watched the erotic play of his mouth as it skimmed over her flesh. Watched the glistening drops of water cling to his thick lashes, the lush detail the perfect complement to his rugged, outrageous beauty. He was mesmerizing her, steam collecting around their bodies like a primordial mist as his lips found hers, the drugging, head-spinning kisses clouding her mind.
But the feel of his hands suddenly gripping her ass, lifting her off her feet, his hips pushing between her thighs, demanding she make room for him, jerked her back to the moment. His cock was heavy and urgently hard against her cleft, and she knew from the coiling in his muscles that he was only seconds away from burying himself deep.
“Don’t come in me,” she gasped, watching him from beneath her lashes. “Not tonight.”
His sensual mouth flattened into a hard line. “Why?”
“Because that’s something that only lovers should do. Not two people who are just fucking each other.”
Pushing her wet hair back from her face with his hand, he said, “I’ve fucked a lot of women, Lily. More than I care to admit. I’ve fucked them without even knowing a damn thing about them. Without caring, except for what I could get out of them. So don’t, for one goddamn second, look at me and tell me that when I’m buried inside you it’s nothing more than fucking. You might not know the difference but I do.”
The next thing she knew he was carrying her out of the shower, back into the bedroom, and tossing her into the middle of the mattress. Then he stared down at her from the side of the bed, dripping with water, his lean muscles coiled with power beneath the tight stretch of his skin. “Open your legs for me.”