“Goodnight, Vicky,” I said, forcing myself to pull away from her.
“Wait,” she said, looking at me with the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen.
Despite her request, I took a few more steps backward. “I have to go, Vicky. Trust me, I’m a monster; it’s better off this way. You take care.” I knew I needed distance between us or else I would possess her body in less than ten seconds and that couldn’t happen. Her lips turned down and she closed the door without another word. The loss of contact washed over me and I hated myself in this moment, for being me, for being a monster, for living the life I had lead. I walked back out to my bike feeling crushed, knowing that there was a woman who could still take my breath away, and knowing that I could do nothing about it. The hopelessness I had been feeling for an eternity washed over me like a fresh blanket. All I could do was get back on my bike and drown in my sorrow.
Chapter 5
Vicky
The moment the door shut, I turn the deadbolt. As brave as I tried to be, this place did freak me out. Holding onto Luc as he drove through the streets of New York, inhaling his scent, and finally having him walk me to the door, made me feel things that I didn’t want to be feeling. My heart beat fast and I felt alive, but it wasn’t welcome. I wanted to feel numb, I was used to my solemn loneliness and there was no room in my life for love. Just thinking the word love made me cringe. All the relationships I’ve ever had, all those that I have loved have only lead to disappointment. I didn’t see a reason to put myself through something like that again. I’m not a masochist, a loner maybe, but not a masochist. I can’t handle pain. It is something that I learned the hard way when I suffered the consequences of a guy beating me and raping me two years ago, but I was in a bad place then. Not much has changed, only that back then my situation was still fresh and I was still adjusting. I still had nightmares about the man. His dark eyes, the horrible things he did to me, but they were more spread apart now and I worked hard to think good thoughts before I go to bed, so my mind doesn’t drift back to the demon who shattered the last bits of me. It also took months for my back and my ass to fully heal. I still have the scars to remind me about what a mistake I had made leaving the sex club with a cute sophisticated stranger. I learned about cruelty that night. I learned what it meant to be a monster and Luc didn’t fit the description.
Even with his own fear and uncertainty in his eyes. I could have sworn there was an attraction between us. The electricity jolted my numb body to life as his eyes landed on me and devoured me with his stare alone. I was drawn to him in ways that I never knew existed. When he walked me to the door, I found myself practically begging for him to kiss me. He looked like he might have wanted to for a moment. He slightly leaned forward and I felt myself salivating waiting for his touch, but then he declined and his jaw began to tick as if he were suddenly repulsed by something. I understood, he was a rich guy bringing me home to this shithole. I bet he thought he could do a lot better than me.
Just as I was about to give myself a large dose of self-loathing, loud moaning sounds reverberate from the room across the hall causing me to cringe. What was I thinking coming to this damn city? I call Nessa, hoping that a conversation with her will distract me from the overachievers across the hall.
Two rings later she picked up. “Vick, OMG, are you safe, is everything okay?” she asked gasping into the phone.
“Do not tell me that you’ve picked up the phone in the middle of sex Nessa because I swear….” I trailed off.
“Vick, give me some credit. I’m cleaning the bar for Ed. We just closed so I’m huffing and puffing away. I have to cut back on smoking. I’m only twenty-two and listen to me,” she chuckled with a throaty cough into the phone.
I wanted to tell her she shouldn’t smoke because of what happened to her mom, but I know that statement won’t faze her. Instead I feel the need to tell her about Luc. “I met someone tonight,” I said hesitantly into the phone. Nessa is my partner in crime for sex parties. Monogamy didn’t fit into our lifestyle of choice nor do relationships. What I was confessing went against every moral we believed in.
“Vick, wow, I knew the day would come, but you’ve only been in New York for less than a day,” she cackled.
“It’s not like that Nessa. I went to a party, I met him there but there was something about him…” I trailed off. I knew I my voice sounded a little dreamy but Luc was dreamy.
“I’ve heard that one before, but really Vick, developing a crush on a guy that attends parties probably won’t end well.”
“I know, Nessa, it’s nothing…I don’t even know why I mentioned it,” I chided myself. What was I thinking telling Nessa, the queen of unchasteness?
“Well, guess who came into Ed’s tonight?”
“Who?” I asked, not having a clue whom would be of interest.
“Jamie,” she said with challenge in her tone. Great, what did he want? “He said he heard you left town and he wanted me to tell him where you were. He said he loves you and wants to bring you home.”
“You didn’t tell him where I am did you, Nessa?” I asked, hoping that she didn’t tell my scum bag of an ex-boyfriend where I was.
“I didn’t say a word, Vick. Relax. The boy is determined though…he gave me a whole spiel about making a mistake and he is what you need,” she said, repeating his words with a hint of sarcasm. I nervously played with my hair while the sting of his lack of loyalty resonated.
“Damn, it’s been over two years, why can’t he just let us go?”
“You’re unforgettable, Vick, do you even need to ask?” She laughed and began to cough again.
“Well, thank you for not telling him. I don’t want to stay on the phone long with the long distance charges. I just wanted to let you know I am okay. Thanks for not giving me up to Jamie. If he comes back don’t cave, okay?”
“Well, honestly, Vick, the boy is super hot but I get that he screwed you over. I won’t tell him. I miss you though. Is tomorrow the big day?”
“Yeah, tomorrow’s the day,” I responded letting out a breath. “Goodnight, Nessa. I will be in touch and let you know how things go.”
“Thanks, Vick, you take care.”
“Bye, Ness.”
I pressed the end button of the call and exhaled a long calming breath. Tomorrow is a big day I needed get some sleep.
Luckily the overachievers across the hall had simmered down. I slipped out of my red dress and lingerie, feeling completely defeated and dug my hand inside my duffle bag in search of pajamas.
Crawling into the grungy bed, I quivered. I leaned over to check my phone as I do every night before I fall asleep. I hoped that Joe, my older brother, would finally answer one of my text messages but he never does. I haven’t seen him for a year and a half. He took off without a trace. I know we all deal with pain differently, but I was disappointed that he abandoned me, he had always watched out for me when we were younger. It was out of character for him, but after what happened to us, I knew we would never be the same again. The only thing that gave me some sort of calm was the fact that his messages turned up as read. It meant he had gotten my messages but was not willing to respond.
As I lay staring at the yellowing ceiling, I cultivated a plan of how I would introduce myself to Bryce Andrews, the business tycoon. It wouldn’t be easy to get an appointment with him, and that was assuming that he would even agree to see me.
I reached over to my purse and read the letter I have been reading for the last two years before I closed my eyes each night.
After reading her words and allowing them to penetrate my soul once more, I folded the letter back up and placed it in the same inner pocket of my purse. I thought when everything got shot to hell that it would take time and I would return to school, but I never went back to finish my engineering degree. I promised myself that one day I would finish, but that day hadn’t come yet. It was hard enough waking up in the morning, let alone forcing my sorry ass to study.