SUMMER’S LONG DAYS of oppressive heat were almost more than Gritta Hook could bear.
Year after year her days flowed like this, agonizingly slow from one to the next. Season after season Usher marched them north when autumn kissed the trees with color, south again when those trees bloomed in spring—into the land of desert and cactus and dark-skinned, raven-haired people who stared at her from the side of the dusty roads where rumbled the ambulance George drove.
It was good she remembered. She tried so hard to remember names nowadays. Jubilee Usher … and the old colored man called George and … her name was Gritta.
The big man never called her by her name. How she wished he would. If only once. To say her Christian name. Not the one she took when she married long, long ago. But her own name. Gritta.
So she said it to herself when the days grew long and the nights became lonely. She devised conversations between herself and Usher, between herself and the old colored man, long conversations about nothing of any great consequence. Something—anything at all—to keep her mind from slipping over the edge where she already teetered precariously.
And so many times she came back to recalling snips and snatches of Bible verses, remembrances of things faceless folks had said to her of a dim time long ago, perhaps fragments of a song heard on a hot Sunday morning as a child, lullabies sung as a mother to children of her own.
Sunday-morning sunlight had always poured like creamy white butter in through the isinglass windows of that tiny church—just the way the sun’s light was magnified as it penetrated the creamy white canvas of this wall tent where she was imprisoned most every day while Usher’s men roamed the deserts and mountains. Horses and men coming and going. Celebrating their bloody work, then taking their leave once again in a new direction.
Here in the tent the air began to hum like a hot summer Sunday at church, listening to the preacher drone on and on. The way Usher droned on and on, ranting before his faithful.
Gritta began to whisper, faintly caressing each bright note belonging to the melody of an old Baptist hymn.
Do not wait until
Some deed of greatness you may do.
Do not wait
To shed your light afar.
To the many duties
Ever near you now he true:
Brighten the corner where you are.
Brighten the corner where you are!
Brighten the corner where you are!
Someone far from harbor
You may guide across the bar.
Brighten the corner where you are!
Her eyes found the corner where the canvas seams came together, bunched to make for a shadowy place. How she longed to be there, where it would be cool. Right where a spider hung in the dark midst of her web. She had hung there, balled up for the better part of two days, likely hibernating after a feast on the moth snared in her sticky trap day before last.
Up there in the shadows, where things looked all the cooler.
They had learned the old songs from her, the three children had. Learned to say grace before their meals. No matter that they might eat nothing but plain food, there was always some meat on the table, along with potatoes and an abundance of other vegetables in season. Always plenty of food for their growing bodies to eat. That is, until Jonah marched off to fight that war he never come back from.
Grace. Thanking God for all His bounty. For what the Lord had seen fit to bless them with.
Gagging, she physically swallowed down the sour bile as she fought the nausea, slowing her hand at work with the smooth, peeled twig between her legs.
It made her as sick to think of what blessings had been given her family as it did to plunge the twig deep inside herself, searching out the demon seed that had attached itself to her womb.
“Dear heavenly Father, we are grateful for the bounty Thou hast set before us this day. Thy gifts are the fruit of our hands. Bless this plentiful harvest to nourishing our bodies, and Your holy word to nourishing our hungry souls,” Gritta whispered quietly, her lips barely moving as she fought back the waves of nausea bordering on pain.
What needed doing now had needed doing more than once since that bright day the man had come and took her from the home she had made for her family.
“Watch over and protect these three children of ours, the youngest of your creation,” she continued her recitation of grace. “May we never turn from Your face, our heavenly Father—forever praising You in the name of the Savior of man, Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.”
She felt the warm, sticky flow over her hand then. Hoping she had torn Usher’s seed from her womb, praying her body would flush it as she had each time before.
Exhausted, Gritta sought out something more to hang her thoughts on as the pain rose low in her belly. Slowly she dragged the smooth twig from her body and lay panting, sensing in some dull, primitive way that she was bleeding again. That was good. Only through the bleeding would she flush the demon seed.
“Now I lay me down to sleep,” her voice came from deep within her, as deep perhaps as she had been probing with the twig. It was a child’s voice that rose quiet and eerily from her throat. “I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die … if I should die …”
Gritta clenched her eyes shut, trying to hold back the hot tears of pain, of failure at her attempts to kill herself.
“Before I wake,” she sobbed. “I pray the Lord my soul to take.”
She knew God would not take her now. Not after what she had done with Usher. Not after all this time. How she wanted to die and have it done with—just how much worse could hell be than where she was right now?
Pulling her closer and closer to death was Gritta’s belief that her children had gone on to a better place. Too long since she last saw the boys.
“Now I lay me down to sleep.”
Remembering how she always got down on her knees beside the bed the boys shared, kneeling between them. Each night Hattie knelt at her small bed nearby.
“I pray the Lord my soul to keep.”
She hadn’t seen her daughter in almost as long as she had missed the boys. Couldn’t remember—Hattie’s face. For so many years there it had been like looking back on her own childhood, so much did Hattie look like her mother.
“If I should die before I wake.”
But she would never see them again. Not living. Not in death. They had gone on to heaven, and she was going to hell for all that she had done with Usher.
“I pray the Lord my soul to take.”
How fervently she prayed that last line, repeating it over and over as she grew more and more faint, without the strength to hide the smooth, peeled twig beneath one of the table’s leg supports. It was there she had kept it over all these seasons and miles and operations she performed on herself.
Cursing her womb that had given birth to three children who now lived with God. Cursing her womb, desiring to scar it irrevocably so that no chance would the devil’s own seed stand of finding sustenance there and growing.
How long had it been? She dug at the thought the way her fingers dug at the hard, flaky soil.
She sensed again that fleeting remembrance of being bedside with the children, saying the prayer before diving between the cold sheets and blankets and the thick comforter.
Then Gritta was struck with the fact so cold and smooth, it was like the limestone walls of the springhouse where they kept the milk and butter cool. She could not say where she was, how long it had been, nor how old she had become. Nothing to relate to space and time.