I’m sick of thinking the mess between us is all there is, when what I truly want is to be with Sam.
Besides. He wants to be with me.
So why the hell am I here on a balcony alone?
Chapter 28
Oh crap. I pause outside the bar where Brookfield is about to start playing, looking at the long line that’s stretching down the block. In the middle of my balcony revelation, my stupid ass hadn’t thought about getting inside without the band or some kind of backstage pass. Through the glass window in front, I can see the bar is packed wall-to-wall. I walk along the length of the huge glass window, looking for anyone I might know, from Sam to a roadie to even Rick. But all I see is a blur of strangers.
Halfway down the length of the window, there is a brick ledge below it. I step up to the glass. With one hand pressed to it and the other shading my eyes, I search above the heads of the people inside. All I can make out is that the bar is long and narrow. Though I can’t see a stage, the spotlights in the back have me guessing the performance is at the end of the long room. It’s totally packed, and almost completely dark.
I only walked a few blocks to get here, yet it’s like I traveled miles. I suppose emotionally I have. Yet, confronting this sea of unknown faces is immediately sending me to the edge of doubt. Maybe I shouldn’t have come.
After several minutes of looking, I’m about to give up and get down when a hand on the other side of the glass forms to mine. Pressing to the glass, the bigger hand overlaps mine, and pushes on the window as if wanting to melt through the glass and touch me. I slowly raise my gaze from the hand to a muscular tattooed arm and the clear blue eyes above it.
My doubt begins to fade at the longing in his stare.
I smile softly and lean forward, pressing both of my hands to the glass. He matches me with both hands. We stand, staring at each other, face-to-face, hand-to-hand. Understanding and acceptance flows between us.
Sam starts moving. I follow him, our hands still matching on the glass as we walk, our gazes locked. My confusion floats away into the night sky, little by little with each step. Our connection feels natural, inevitable, and adrenaline charged.
When we reach the end of the glass, Sam disappears. Lost in the moment, I stand on the sidewalk, blinking in confusion and wondering why he would leave me just as everything suddenly feels right.
Then he comes out the door and strides over the ropes that keep out the people waiting in line to get into the bar. Eyes only on me, he steps so close I have to look up to keep our gazes locked. We stare at each other, and everything clicks into place. Sam and I belong together. Though both of us are strong and determined to carry on, life has left us each a bit damaged. But we fill in each other’s cracks and make the other whole.
Leaning down, he gently grasps my jaw, fingers caressing my skin, and gives me a fierce, sweet kiss. His mouth claims me, declares I’m his, and my lips respond as my body agrees. I’m lightheaded from his kiss as he takes my hand and we start walking. After crossing a busy street, we turn onto a walkway along the river. The lights on the bridge in the distance appear violet, spreading a ghostly purplish glow on the water. Lit-up buildings rise behind the bridge. Trees edge the walkway, hiding it from the adjacent busy street. Benches and bright lampposts line the path.
He glances down at me. “I remember seeing you the first time on campus. Somehow, with everything that Seth was dealing with, I’d forgotten you were going there too.”
“You hated me,” I say sadly.
He shakes his head. “It was never hate, just hurt that felt so deep it made me crazy. Sometimes I think I unconsciously followed you to our college.”
When I looked back at that night, I had guessed he might have had feelings for me, but we didn’t see each other until almost a year later. Surely, he would have been over me by then. But following me? That blows my mind. “Why?”
Looking over the water, Sam says, “I was crazy about you before, you know.”
“Before?” I ask, confused. I’m still riding the high of acknowledgment between us, and the kiss in front of the bar.
He leads me to the rail near the water. “I wanted to ask you out the first time Jill brought you to see the Bottle Rockets at that old falling-down barn. Seth beat me to it. So I tried to be content with being friends.”
My free hand grasps the rail. “We were good friends.”
“Until that night,” he says, looking out over the water. “When you ran back to Seth.”
Letting go of the rail, I turn to him. “Sam, I was a young, insecure girl who thought that dating Seth was like winning the lottery. My longing to be wanted, to be loved, had me imagining there was more to that relationship than there was, but I truly thought you and I were just friends. Even after that night, I blamed what happened on alcohol and my fight with Seth.”
He shakes his head. “Think about it, Peyton. Except for the few dates you went on, you and Seth weren’t together much. He was too busy being the life of the party. While he entertained the crowd, you and I hung out, talked music, and joked around. I never understood why Seth took you for granted. I thought you were perfect, pretty, intelligent, and funny. That you were into music was only a bonus. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t spend every second possible with you, because as we spent more time together, I wanted to spend every moment with you.”
I stare out over the water in confusion. Although I believe his words, I’m having a hard time remembering if he’s right about how much time we spent together. Once again, my memory fails me. Or is it my denial kicking in? I do recall talking with Sam but not that much. I was usually thinking about Seth or watching Seth or waiting for Seth. I was in the grip of a girlish obsession. I shake my head slightly. “I don’t know why I was so obsessed with Seth, but my feelings died long ago.”
“I’ve slowly realized that. It’s not easy for me to let it go. Your rejection, Seth’s anger at me, then his disease . . . It’s all wrapped up together in a ball of hurt that I couldn’t get rid of. When you showed up at my apartment to tell me you were coming on tour with us, it ripped open those old wounds.” He brushes at a strand of hair that the breeze blew across my face. “Then I started to get to know you again, and in many ways, you’re the same Peyton, the same amazing girl who drew me in years ago.”
I look at him incredulously. If anything, I’ve gone from naive and bitchy to just bitchy. “After the way I treated you? You thought I was amazing?”
He smiles faintly. “You’ve gained an edge of toughness, but inside you still have that soft heart. You have basically taken care of the band this whole tour without once complaining. And you were absolutely livid at the idea that I’d abandoned Seth. And you’re still unbelievably lovely.” He pushes a wayward strand of hair behind my ear. “A week into the tour, although I tried to avoid it, I found myself becoming obsessed with you all over again.”
I reach up and catch his hand, press it to my cheek as I shake my head. “I was in crazy denial back then,” I say, pushing up on my tiptoes so my lips are inches from his. “I’m not that blind self-absorbed girl anymore. This time around, all my attention is on you.”
His fingers cup my face and he kisses me again. Long and slow until we’re pressed against each other. Gently pulling away, Sam grasps my hand. “Come on, Gabe won’t be back for hours.”
We step out onto the street, and I’m startled to see the hotel across the way. My sense of direction isn’t usually so bad, but then again, paying attention to my surroundings is my last concern at the moment. I’m preoccupied with Sam.