Because of this, I never stayed out late in high school, or let myself be seen in the wrong places. On the rare occasions I did date, I made sure we were never alone. Group outings, double dates, and third wheels were the norm. I was always careful and watchful, always guarding my reputation.
I stared back at Trace in envy. How freeing it must be to not give a damn about what people think. If only…. “Call it what you like,” I said, “but my reputation meant—means a lot to me. I didn’t even have a boyfriend until my second semester.”
“How long did it last?”
A face I’d banished to my nightmares floated in my mind. “Four months,” I said with bitterness. “His name was Richard. He was from upstate New York.”
“And?”
“I thought I was in love with him,” I said quietly. “He bought me flowers every week. Walked me to and from class. Helped me cram. Escorted me to all the best parties. After a few months, he even put a deposit down on a ring.” I rolled my eyes. “That’s when I decided to sleep with him.”
The ease with which we talked, and how natural it felt, didn’t escape my notice. I could be myself with Trace—a pleasant change from being on guard all the time. This made the retelling of my horrifying experience less painful.
“He was gentle at first, but things grew intense fast. I tried to slow him down, but he…he started tearing at my clothes.” My throat burned as I relived every fearful detail. “I managed to push him off me and escape to the bathroom. Then he started breaking things.” I gestured again when my eyes started stinging. “Lamps. Ashtrays. Anything he could grab.”
“Just ‘cause you got cold feet?”
“He said everyone knew I was like my ‘whoring mother.’” A tear raced down my cheek, but I gave it a vicious swipe. “His frat brothers put him up to it. They wanted to see how long it would take him to get me…to have sex with him.”
Trace wrapped me in his arms, and rested his chin on my crown. “Oh, baby, you’re nothin’ like your mama.”
“He thought I was. So I vowed I’d never be made the….” I sniffed. “The butt of anyone’s joke again.”
Trace was quiet for a long while. “How’d you get out?”
“I just ran,” I said. “And I left everything. Purse. Phone. I had no car. It was raining. I couldn’t call home.”
“Why not?”
I frowned, blindsided.
“Why, Shannon?” When I still didn’t answer, he said, “Did you think you’d disappoint your family?”
Not knowing what to say, I swallowed convulsively.
“A time like that, a girl needs her mama,” he continued. “You should’ve called your aunt. Why didn’t you?”
My chest tightened as a renegade emotion tried to gain control, but I tamped it down, something I’d gotten quite good at. “I didn’t want to worry her.” Even to my own ears I sounded defensive. I cleared my throat and amended, “There was a lot going on at the time. Digger had just come out of the hospital. He’d had triple bypass surgery. Granny Mae was a wreck. So I didn’t want to burden Auntie. She was stressed enough.”
“Who’d you call?”
“Darien.” Relief set in and I could breathe again. “He was attending a law convention in Manhattan. He’d taken me to lunch a few days before.”
“Then what?”
“He grabbed a cab and brought me back to his hotel; I cried myself to sleep in his arms.” When Trace gave me a look, I added, “He just held me, that’s all.”
He lowered his eyes. “Have y’all ever done what we—what I….” He looked at me. “Has he ever touched you like I did?”
“N-no.” At his look of relief, I added, “We’ve touched some, slept in the same bed, but he never pressured me. That’s why I love him. He’s very understanding. Not all men think with their penises.”
“Uh, yeah we do. Either Montgomery’s a eunuch or—”
“I don’t appreciate your insinuations.”
He sighed again. “Fine. Is that when y’all started dating?”
“No,” I said, grateful to be off the hot seat. “I think we began to see each other in a different light then, but nothing happened until after I’d started the business. We have much in common. Similar tastes in art, books, the theater.”
“The age difference didn’t bother your family?”
On the contrary, they encouraged the match. “Darien’s a young forty-eight, and we move in the same circles. No one blinked when we started dating. Uncle went to Harvard with his father, so Darien’s like a son to him. That’s why he left the prosecutor’s office, because Uncle offered him a full partnership.”
Trace stilled. “You know, this thing with him sounds like a pre-packaged fairytale.” His eyes gave me a silent inspection. “Why are you here…with me?”
“I don’t know.”
Lies. I knew why, but I wasn’t ready to admit it.
He cocked a brow. “Well, considering I just had my tongue down your throat—and other places—I deserve a better answer than that.”
I slid from his lap and settled in the corner of the sofa, my legs tucked beneath me as I fixed the mismatched eyelets in my shirt. “We shouldn’t have.”
“Just like we shouldn’t have at the club, and we shouldn’t have at your office, and we shouldn’t have at the garage—and every other time we’ve been together. News flash, this…‘thing’ has been going on since before I even came back to town. So what’re we gonna do about it?”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Dirty Little Secrets
SHANNON
____________________________
Snow flurries wafted down like dandelion puffs as I stared out from Trace’s front door window. It was after ten and a party down the street was breaking up. Revelers trickled out, disappearing in either direction along the sidewalk. A few stood near the curb to catch a smoke, while others piled into cars that sped off into the shadows.
I sank my forehead against the glass. Trace had asked me to stay because we had unfinished business. Twenty minutes ago, he’d gone upstairs—to take a cold shower, no doubt. Now that I was alone, without him to distract me, dueling thoughts and emotions filled my mind.
There was guilt, of course. Fear made an appearance too. Even more compelling and amazing was a feeling that had no name.
In the span of two hours, the world I’d known had vanished, replaced by something fearsome and incredible. Trace and I had gone farther than I ever had with Darien. Not only that, but I’d cheated and enjoyed it. And it wasn’t my first infidelity. Truth was, I’d been cheating in my heart long before this. Every word, caress, and whisper had been hardwired into my mind, and I’d replayed them, over and over.
What happened at The Slam Dunk should have warned me away, but I’d just come back for more. Even worse, I wanted Trace’s hands on me again.
I’d never been physically unfaithful. Not once. The shame of it was eating me alive.
The steps creaked beneath Trace’s weight as he descended the stairs. When he loomed behind me, keeping his distance, our eyes met in the window. “Come up with any answers?”
“No,” I said miserably, turning to face him.
Clean-shaven, he’d changed into a tan crew neck. His shower-damp hair bore evidence of a finger comb. On the surface, he looked relaxed, but when I peered deeper, I saw a hidden storm raging behind his hazel eyes. Strange, but I drew comfort from it. At least I wasn’t alone in this.
When the staring got too hot, I twisted away. “It’s time for me to go. I can’t think around you.”