No, she wouldn’t.
Avis’s stomach heaved.
That bitch!
The book tumbled to the floor.
She threw herself at the wash sink that stank of borax and bleach. Her breakfast splashed against the metal bottom of the basin like abstract art. Tears streamed down her face from the effort. For all she knew, Jeff was sleeping not just with Maggie but with all the girls. The fact that it had taken her so long to figure it out was probably some sort of inside joke, so utterly obvious that it marked her as an idiot. A stupid, worthless, infantile fool.
How long will she think she and Jeff are a thing? they had likely wondered. When will she catch him in the act, and who will the lucky girl be?
Office pools had been started over less.
You moron. That self-deprecating voice reared up from the cobwebbed corner of her mind, louder than ever. You stupid little girl. Why don’t you just kill yourself? Spare yourself the embarrassment. They’re better off without an idiot like you around. Because really, how could you be so fucking dim-wittedly dumb?
She crumpled back into her seat beside the machine and sobbed. The humiliation and betrayal crashed over her in debilitating waves. She felt obtuse enough to stick her head in the washer and drown herself. Her brain made an immediate leap to the medicine cabinet upstairs—the master bathroom had once held relief. Under Jeffrey’s orders, Avis had continued to pick up Audra’s pills at the clinic. But they were confiscated as soon as she stepped out of the facility. Jeff would pour them out the open car window or crush them under his boot heels, grinding them into the pavement. The fact that her source of help was gone only made her burst into another fit of hysterical tears.
Avis would have been happy to live out the rest of her life in the laundry room, but Kenzie slunk inside and quietly took a seat on the floor beside her. He watched as she wiped at her face with someone’s dirty T-shirt. When she finally gathered up enough courage to look at him, he gave her a pensive smile.
“It’s always strange the first time,” he said, doing her the favor of not asking what was wrong. He’d figured her problem out on his own. Hell, for all Avis knew, they were laughing at her as she wept behind a closed door. Was she still Avis if they were all snickering behind her back? Was Avis the type of girl to be the butt of someone’s jokes? She shook her head and tried to put on a miserable smile. Kenzie reached out and placed a long-fingered hand on her knee for comfort, then scooted a little closer. His hand drifted down her leg to cup her calf. “When I first found out, I walked in on Clover and Gypsy,” he said. “Thought they were gonna kill me.” He cracked a widemouthed grin, then barked out a jarring laugh at the memory.
She soaked up spit and tears with cotton that smelled of sweat.
“It’s our way, see? We gotta love each other. Being this way, it makes us stronger, more unified. You know, like a team.” When she didn’t respond, he gave her a quizzical look. “Don’t you feel closer to Jeff after you two started sleepin’ together?”
Her heart jumped into her throat, nearly escaping in another spasm of sickness. Did everyone know that she and Jeff were having sex? She squeezed her eyes shut against the sudden pounding in her head. There’s something very wrong here, she thought. This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.
“It’s no big deal, Avis,” he said. That name. “You don’t gotta be embarrassed. Everyone belongs to everyone. Monogamy is selfish, like ownership. You don’t want to be owned, right? That’s slavery.” He glanced over his shoulder, then leaned in, motioning for her to bring her tear-swollen face closer to his. Audra wasn’t interested in secrets. She’d had her fill. But she moved closer anyway. “Even so, we still have our favorites.”
She pulled away from him, feeling sicker than ever. “Oh.” The single syllable came out flat and hollow. Was being a favorite good enough? Could she handle the nonexclusivity if somewhere, in the back of her mind, she knew she was Jeffrey’s top choice?
Kenzie backpedaled. “What I mean is . . . look, I’ve been around for about three years now. I haven’t ever seen Jeffrey spend as much time with one girl as he’s been spendin’ with you. I’m telling you, you’re the one.”
Was she? A guy like Jeffrey would have never gone for Audra Snow, but if she was his favorite, maybe she had transformed into someone new after all.
Avis—Audra?—blinked at the awkward, gangly boy in front of her. He was daddy-longlegs tall and skinny as a twig. His legs were bent every which way in the small amount of space the laundry room provided. She hardly ever saw him anywhere other than beside the living room stereo, flipping through the record crate.
“Really?” Trying to regain some composure, she wiped at her nose and sniffled.
“Yeah-huh,” Kenzie said. “He likes you a lot, Avis. Jeff is picky. He only sleeps with some girls once. Robin and Lily, they got initiated—everyone gets initiated—but that was the end of that for them.”
“Initiated . . .” She muttered the word to herself. Kenzie didn’t seem to hear her.
“Besides, Jeff talks about you a bunch.” He blanched, then gave her a strained look. Don’t say anything.
“I won’t tell,” she said, immediately garnering a sigh of relief from the all-angles boy. “What does he say?” she asked, hoping that the ego boost would help her crawl out of the emotional hole she’d stumbled down. But this time Kenzie shook his head. He’d already said enough, possibly more than he should have.
“We aren’t supposed to gossip.”
“But we’re supposed to keep secrets?”
He suddenly looked conflicted, his face going ruddy. His lips—which he pressed into a tight line—turned pale. A moment later, his hand moved from Avis’s calf back up to her knee, then farther up until she stopped it midtravel. Her reaction caused him to pause, to cant his head and study her in an animalistic sort of way. It was then that she noticed just how awkward Kenzie was. His head looked too big for his body, as though he had once lost a lot of weight and had never been able to gain it back. She remembered what Jeffrey had said about how most of the group would have ended up strung out on drugs or dead in a back alley. Kenzie had a definite post-junkie look. Even his teeth appeared oversized, like big white Chiclets squares pushed up into his gums.
Avis didn’t find Kenzie at all attractive. If anything, he struck her as a little creepy, all spindly and thin like a skeleton wrapped in cloth. But she knew if she pushed him away again, he’d leave her to the laundry while reporting the rejection to Jeff. Rejecting Kenzie, no matter how unsightly she found him to be, was a direct affront to the entire family. If she wanted to be part of the group, she had to do as she was told. They expected her to love everybody . . . not only Jeff.
She imagined Jeffrey explaining it to her in a way that would make the situation strangely appealing. This is what makes us different from everyone else—what makes us special, what fulfills our souls.