CHAPTER 51
‘Troubles Never Come Alone’
Molly had her out-of-door things on, and she crept away as she was bidden. She lifted her heavy weight of heart and body along till she came to a field, not so very far off,—where she had sought the comfort of loneliness ever since she was a child; and there, under the hedge-bank, she sat down, burying her face in her hands, and quivering all over as she thought of Cynthia’s misery, which she might not try to touch or assuage. She never knew how long she sat there, but it was long past lunch-time when once again she stole up to her room. The door opposite was open wide—Cynthia had quitted the chamber. Molly arranged her dress and went down into the drawing-room. Cynthia and her mother sat there in the stern repose of an armed neutrality. Cynthia’s face looked made of stone, for colour and rigidity; but she was netting away as if nothing unusual had occurred. Not so Mrs. Gibson; her face bore evident marks of tears, and she looked up and greeted Molly’s entrance with a faint smiling notice. Cynthia went on as though she had never heard the opening of the door, or felt the approaching sweep of Molly’s dress. Molly took up a book,—not to read, but to have the semblance of some employment which should not necessitate conversation.
There was no measuring the duration of the silence that ensued. Molly grew to fancy it was some old enchantment that weighed upon their tongues and kept them still. At length Cynthia spoke, but she had to begin again before her words came clear.
‘I wish you both to know that henceforward all is at an end between me and Roger Hamley.’
Molly’s book went down upon her knees; with open eyes and lips she strove to draw in Cynthia’s meaning. Mrs. Gibson spoke querulously, as if injured.
‘I could have understood this if it had happened three months ago,—when you were in London; but now it’s just nonsense, Cynthia, and you know you don’t mean it!’
Cynthia did not reply; nor did the resolute look on her face change when Molly spoke at last.
‘Cynthia—think of him! It will break his heart!’
‘No!’ said Cynthia, ‘it will not. But even if it did I cannot help it.’
‘All this talk will soon pass away!’ said Molly, ‘and when he knows the truth from your own self——’
‘From my own self he shall never hear it. I do not love him well enough to go through the shame of having to excuse myself.—to plead that he will reinstate me in his good opinion. Confession may be—well! I can never believe it pleasant—but it may be an ease of mind if one makes it to some people,—to some person,—and it may not be a mortification to sue for forgiveness. I cannot tell. All I know is,—and I know it clearly, and will act upon it inflexibly—that——’ And here she stopped short.
‘I think you might finish your sentence,’ said her mother, after a silence of five seconds.
‘I cannot bear to exculpate myself to Roger Hamley. I will not submit to his thinking less well of me than he has done,—however foolish his judgment may have been. I would rather never see him again, for these two reasons. And the truth is, I do not love him. I like him, I respect him; but I will not marry him. I have written to tell him so. That was merely as a relief to myself, for when or where the letter will reach him——And I have written to old Mr. Hamley. The relief is the one good thing come out of it all. It is such a comfort to feel free again. It wearied me so to think of straining up to his goodness. “Extenuate my conduct!”’ she concluded, quoting Mr. Gibson’s words. Yet when Mr. Gibson came home, after a silent dinner, she asked to speak with him, alone, in his consulting-room; and there laid bare the exculpation of herself which she had given to Molly many weeks before. When she had ended, she said:
‘And now, Mr. Gibson,—I still treat you like a friend,—help me to find some home far away, where all the evil talking and gossip mamma tells me of cannot find me and follow me. It may be wrong to care for people’s good opinion,—but it is me, and I cannot alter myself. You, Molly, all the people in the town,—I haven’t the patience to live through the nine days’ wonder.—I want to go away and be a governess.’
‘But, my dear Cynthia,—how soon Roger will be back,—a tower of strength.’
‘Has not mamma told you I have broken it all off with Roger? I wrote this morning. I wrote to his father. That letter will reach to-morrow. I wrote to Roger. If he ever receives that letter, I hope to be far away by that time; in Russia may be.’
‘Nonsense. An engagement like yours cannot be broken off, except by mutual consent. You’ve only given others a great deal of pain without freeing yourself Nor will you wish it in a month’s time. When you come to think calmly, you’ll be glad to think of the stay and support of such a husband as Roger. You have been in fault, and have acted foolishly at first,—perhaps wrongly afterwards; but you don’t want your husband to think you faultless?’
‘Yes, I do,’ said Cynthia. ‘At any rate, my lover must think me so. And it is just because I do not love him even as so light a thing as I could love, that I feel that I couldn’t bear to have to tell him I’m sorry, and stand before him like a chidden child to be admonished and forgiven.’
‘But here you are, just in such a position before me, Cynthia!’
‘Yes! But I love you better than Roger; I’ve often told Molly so. And I would have told you if I hadn’t expected and hoped to leave you all before long. I could see if the recollection of it all came up before your mind; I could see it in your eyes; I should know it by instinct. I have a fine instinct for reading the thoughts of others when they refer to me. I almost hate the idea of Roger judging me by his own standard which wasn’t made for me, and graciously forgiving me at last.’
‘Then I do believe it’s right for you to break it off,’ said Mr. Gibson, almost as if he were thinking to himself. ‘That poor lad! But it’ll be best for him too. And he’ll get over it. He has a good strong heart. Poor old Roger!’
For a moment Cynthia’s wilful fancy stretched after the object passing out of her grasp,—Roger’s love became for the instant a treasure; but, again, she knew that in its entirety of high undoubting esteem, as well as of passionate regard, it would no longer be hers; and for the flaw which she herself had made she cast it away, and would none of it. Yet often in after years, when it was too late, she wondered and strove to penetrate the inscrutable mystery of ‘what would have been.’
‘Still, take till to-morrow before you act upon your decision,’ said Mr. Gibson, slowly. ‘What faults you have fallen into have been mere girlish faults at first,—leading you into much deceit, I grant.’
‘Don’t give yourself the trouble to define the shades of blackness,’ said Cynthia, bitterly. ‘I’m not so obtuse but what I know them all better than any one can tell me. And as for my decision I acted upon it at once. It may be long before Roger gets my letter, but I hope he is sure to get it at last,—and, as I said, I have let his father know; it won’t hurt him! Oh, sir, I think if I had been differently brought up I shouldn’t have had the sore, angry heart I have. Now! No, don’t! I don’t want reasoning comfort. I can’t stand it. I should always have wanted admiration and worship, and men’s good opinion. Those unkind gossips! To visit Molly with their hard words! Oh, dear! I think life is very dreary.’