“Then your ass should start by raisin’ up out of that Scratch situation. ’Cause whether you realize it or not, that devil’s got you on your knees and you’re takin’ it in both ends.”
“I’m done with that shit, dog.”
“Yeah? We’ll see.”
Sitting there watching the clouds swallow the moon and stars and the darkness congeal into a solid wall of blackness, a turbid veil that hung between us, I began to wonder how I was going to make this big change and if it was even possible. Tank hadn’t thought so. He was sure that we would die in this game and he had been right, at least about himself. But did that mean that I was doomed too?
Killing wasn’t just something I did. Like I was trying to tell Huey, a killer was what I was. A metamorphosis had taken place within me as I sat cocooned inside the violence and desperation of my neighborhood and I had emerged from that cocoon as a monstrous killing thing. I was a predator of my own species, which somehow put me outside of it, made me something other than human.
Could the change be reversed?
Death was now a shadow that followed me wherever I went and that I animated with every gesture.
Yeah, though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death, I shall fear no evil…because I’m too damned ignorant to recognize it when I see it. Because the evil is me.
I sighed a long exasperated breath that emptied me of all my strength. The weight of my thoughts pulled my forehead earthward. I sprawled out on the ground and rested my head on the pillow made by my forearm and bicep.
Huey was so quiet that I wondered if he was still there. I had said a lot more than I had meant to say. I had attacked his faith like a mortal enemy. His faith would survive the beating though. The belief in a just and loving God isn’t based on any empirical evidence so no evidence can refute it. It doesn’t matter how many innocents suffer and die, the faithful will always believe in the love of God because it makes them feel safe and happy and the alternative is too horrible for them to contemplate. Better to be a happy fool than a suffering genius.
The marijuana and alcohol began to work their magic and spirit my consciousness away. Slowly Huey and I both succumbed to the somnolent effects of intoxication and passed out on the cool dewy grass, our heads resting on an unknown grave at the feet of the Virgin Mary.
As I snored and drooled on the freshly manicured lawn, I dreamt that I was lying in a casket. A light set in the bottom of the casket shone through the Swiss cheese hyper-profusion of bullet holes some overly enthusiastic assassin had put in my corpse. Huge sub-woofers thundered with rapid fire sound bites of various gangsta rap songs in a cacophonous stew of rumbling bass as if someone had entirely neglected to add treble to the mix. My casket vibrated and pulsed with the sound. Each truncated lyric seemed to be some commentary on the life I had lead. Every single one of them was about death.
Scores of Black faces crowded in to gawk and point at me. None of the faces seemed mournful. They all seemed to be having a great time celebrating my passing. I heard the voice of an usher, who sounded like a tour guide, tell the group of jubilant mourners to keep moving so the next group could file in. Someone who sounded like Malcolm X opened the casket and and placed my nine on my chest as he solemnly intoned: “The chickens have come home to roost.”
I thought he might have given me the nine to smoke the tourists who had started poking at me and posing for pictures with my corpse, but I couldn’t move. I heard one of the revelers say something that chilled me.
“He’s the bastard that started the race war. He’s the reason the White folks are hunting us down. His name’s Malik. They call him Snap because he’s crazy. He betrayed his entire race. He doomed us all.”
I tried to speak to them, to tell them that I was innocent, but I was paralyzed.
“Everyone’s dead now. His mother, his grandmother, he even got his best friend killed. If he’d had any balls he would have just killed himself. That evil nigger!”
I screamed out loud, but the sound never left my lips. I was suddenly being pulled out of myself. The earth literally dropped out from under me leaving me floating weightless a million miles in space. I could see heaven from where I was, but as I turned to it the pearly gates slammed shut. There was a sign on the door that said “No dogs or niggers allowed.”
The top of the gate was covered with razor-wire and had shards of broken glass cemented into the surrounding walls. I didn’t care. I charged the gates and began pounding on them until my fists bled from where they had been punctured and lacerated by the jagged glass. Slowly the gates opened and all these Brooks Brothers suits wearing white boys came spilling out carrying shotguns. Their faces all looked like Scratch. There were police officers with them dressed in riot gear, they grinned at me with teeth plated with gold.
“Can’t you read the sign, boy? Go home. We don’t want your kind around here.”
“I’m dead. Where am I supposed to go?”
“Go to hell, nigger!”
They all started laughing at me. I started firing my nine even as the first shotgun blast blew open my chest leaving a ragged steaming hole. I didn’t feel a thing except my rage. Even in the afterlife I was getting fucked over. I was going to get in there no matter how many of these motherfuckers I had to kill. I wondered how long I could hold out with my lungs and heart obliterated by shotgun slugs. I tried not to think about it. I just kept shooting, aiming right for the head and watching as they popped like balloons and sprayed blood and brains across the pearly gates.
My aim was uncannily accurate. Each shot caught one of the suits flush in the forehead. But there were too many of them. They started to overwhelm me. I was taking so many hits that my body was coming apart. I heard a familiar sound coming from behind the gates, the stuttering staccato of automatic weapons fire. The suits began flying to shreds as bullets raked through them. Behind them I could see Tank with that big AK in his hands covering my ass as usual. He laid waste to the entire heavenly host and then turned a forty oz. up to his lips and winked at me. He walked over and passed the forty to me. I lifted it to my lips without bothering to wipe his spittle from its rim. We were brothers. Tank started to head back toward the gates while jamming another banana clip into the AK. He stopped and waved for me to follow.
“Come on, dog. We got to finish this.”
I ejected the spent clip from the Beretta and popped in a fresh one as we passed through the gates into heaven.
When Huey and I finally awoke the darkness was absolute. I couldn’t see a foot in front of me. Lights from the road helped us find our direction as we strained our eyes and made our way, mostly by memory, back to the car. It was past midnight when I dropped Huey off at his house.
“Yo, dog, you welcome to crash here if you want.”
“I just live around the corner, bro. I’m cool. Do you need me to stay?”
“You’ve helped a brother out enough today. Thanks for getting’ me out of that whack-ass funeral.”
“Yeah, is your Mom gonna be cool with that though?”
“She’ll understand.”
“My Mom won’t.”
“You can still stay here if you need to, dog. My door is always open.”
“Naw, brother. I’d better get my black ass on home.”
“See you tomorrow then, Snap.”
“Later, dog.”
I didn’t tell Huey about the dream or premonition or visitation or whatever it was I’d had. As I drove through the deserted streets, the image of Tank up in heaven still puttin’ in work and covering my ass soothed my mind a little. I pulled up to the twenty-four hour convenience store on Washington Lane and Germantown Ave and called Christina from my cell phone while I filled up my tank.