‘What we was doing was we was … Now I liked a drink, in them days, but I’ve personally never held with drugs. Offer me an aspirin and I dash it from your hand. And drugs — they pose a danger to the young. Then again, you got to adapt and move with the times, as you yourself know fully well, and you can’t keep clinging to the past. We had eighteen powerboats shifting two ton of heroin through Puerto Banus per month. What we was doing was we was making runs, twice a night, to Algiers, where the gear come in from the Pakis and the Afghans. We had it going up the coast and flooding into Europe through Marseille. It was a highly lucrative trade — but then there’s always the human element …
‘Now we was none of us model citizens, but Tony Eist … he just wasn’t normal. In the old days, he’d have himself committing crimes even in his alibis. He’d go: “I was never in on the Brink-Mats lark. I was busy flogging this condemned Argie beef.” Or: “How could I have been in on the Waterloo jewellers? I was up West, demanding with menaces.” A very dishonest man, Tony Eist. So one day Keith the Snake come up to see me in me villa. He’s said he’s done his sums — and Tony’s been hiving off millions for hisself! Well I wasn’t having that now was I.
‘I’ve gone over there and we’ve had it out. And I’ve done him. Then, not content with that, he’s got hisself mangled up in his lawnmower. Diesel. Two-seater. And his wife, she hasn’t done the sensible thing and said she’ve run him down by accident. She’s gone and shopped me to the Spaniards! [Click.] Go on then. [Click.] See, there was complicating factors. I’m not about to go banging on about the Other or the Urge or whatever you want to call it. For me, there’s too much of that kind of thing as it is. But we’re talking man to man, and, well, I’ve been giving Tony’s wife Angie one. If I did have a regrettable habit, back then, it was that: giving me mates’ wives one. [Click.] And they daughters and all, in them days. Little Debbie. And she’s gone and grassed me up to Angie! [Click.] So a bit of malice there, I’d reckon. Oh yes, a little bit of spite. The Spanish coppers was all bent as arseholes of course, but what could they do, with that bloody great swamp on the front lawn and no Tony? Me and Keith the Snake’ve grabbed what we could and roared round to Alicante, flogged the boat, and hopped on a tanker to Belfast.
‘[Click.] Go on then. He’s no different. Him? … Goo on. [Click.] Regarding the matter of uh, giving your mates’ wives one. Now in them days that’s considered not on. Something you don’t do. See, you can only do it if you … if you fear no man. Because all right, it’s naughty — but what’s the blokes going to do? Come round and have it with me about it? No. They gives their wife a biff and otherwise, and that’s it. End of story. Which they thoroughly deserve. That’s a female weakness, that is. Weakness for power. Weakness for strength … I never was married but I got engaged the twice. By an unfortunate coincidence, both of them’ve gone and took they own lives, for reasons best known to theirselves.
‘During our time in the uh, “Emerald Isle”, Keith the Snake and me’ve come to London the once. I had a bone to pick with a bloke who’d taken a liberty with me, years back, in Strangeways. Fella name of Mick. I should’ve just done him, shouldn’t I. [Click] Should’ve just taken a chopper to the cunt … [Click.] But no. Fancy a fair fight instead. I’ve gone over to his yard [click] with me lapels lined with razorblades [click] and called him out. Told him a home truth or two and all. What a ruck that was. I don’t know who’ve come off worst. Still, I’ve remained active even from me hospital bed. And that was the only crime I committed on British soil that I never paid me debt to society for. I mean the matter of the gold bullion and the VAT. Me and Keith the Snake was convinced we’ve found a genuine loophole, as there’s no VAT on the coins we melted down and sold back to the Bullion House. Customs and Excise begged to differ. That would be about seventeen million in today’s money. And to that I’ll come back to.
‘So Keith the Snake and me’ve transferred our endeavour to Dublin, and made a totally fresh start. I asserted meself and encountered no difficulty whatsoever. Them Irish in the south, I don’t know what they think they’re thinking of half the time. Too much of the Danny Boy, I don’t know. They couldn’t believe Keith the Snake and me, and the measures we was prepared to take. All in all we had seven very happy years in Eire. Then we come to this business with the IRA, and the extremely unfortunate parting of the ways with Keith the Snake.
‘Now me I never wanted no publicity. People prominent in the underworld, they’ve got this terrible weakness for it. I seen publicity do for face after face. You know, you got power, you want it noticed. We all want to be top dog, mister big, king bastard. But it can’t work like that down here, see, where everything moves the other way … What happened was, I was driving along in me Merc and lost me concentration. Next thing I know, I’ve gone and injured a young woman, who unfortunately soon died. Pregnant and all. Well there was no end of a song and dance about that — though it’s perfectly legal to give someone a spill if you’re sober, and me lawyer said there’s definitely something a bit iffy in me breathalyser report. And then it’s come out who I am and what I’m worth. And the IRA think: eye-eye.
‘I’m still on bail and I heard there’s a kidnapping planned. Which is a joke. As a Cat-A prisoner I’ve marged me bread with all their top boys, and there’s no way in this world they’d’ve fancied me for a nab. But by then Scotland Yard’s sticking its nose in, and I’ve reckoned it’s time to move on. I’ve said to Keith the Snake, “Keith mate? It’s time to move on.” And he’s gone, “I never ploughed into no pregnant sort. You move on.” Fair enough. “Fine by me, mate. You go your way, I’ll go mine.” [Click.] And that — and that’s his idea of loyalty … [Click.] So I’ve started making me arrangements to emigrate across the water.
‘Come the very sad conclusion of me friendship with Keith the Snake. It started off foolish really: just one of them things, I suppose. I’ve had a drink and I’ve gone and done him. I go in to visit and I’ve said, “Keith mate. I sincerely apologise. I bitterly regret what’s occurred, and can you find it in your heart to overlook it.” So we shake and that. I know it’s going to take time for the rift to heal. Then of course he’s barely out of hospital and I’ve gone and done him again. Carved up all his suits and all. Lovely materials. Only the best … That was me weakness in them days. I’d get uh, argumentative in me drink. And he kept getting on me nerves. Same stupid talk. I says, “Why you always off with them brasses? Why don’t you have a proper bird?” “What, so’s you can stuff her? Why d’you stuff your mates’ birds?” “Well I always do that.” “Yeah but why?” “I always stuff me mates’ birds.” “Yeah but why?” “Because I always do.” [Click.] “Hey Jo. You want to stuff my bird so you can pretend you’re me?” “Oi!” “Hey Jo. You want to stuff my bird so you can pretend you’re her?” … Well it was all off then. [Click.] One of them uh, circular arguments. Blah blah blah.