“O.K.,” I said.
49
Labor Day, & a few days later. Junie called & left a message on the tape. Did I see the morning paper. What a shock—the news about Dr. M__ K__.
Daddy will be devastated Junie said.
Didn’t get around to listening to the message for a few days, & by that time that day’s newspaper was gone. I wasn’t even sure which day it was.
50
Labor Day, & the fall term starting at the University. & of our nine tenants five are new, just moving in. All of them foreign students. Graduate students in the sciences mostly. From India, China, Pakistan, Zaire, Egypt, West Indies. Dad says they make the best tenants & he is right. All dark-skinned, & polite & shy & speaking our language with care. I am Q__ P__ CARETAKER & introduced to them as such.
I am taking my medication again as Dr. E__ prescribes. Three times daily with meals. & to help me sleep when required. You are not supposed to ingest alcohol while on lithium but that has not been a problem for me. The purpose is to maintain emotional equilibrium as Dr. E__ says.
Feeling low lately. Since GROUND ZERO etc. Bummed. But don’t think of it, & the medication helps. That is its purpose. & no point in blaming others, like Dad or Grandma. (I have stopped yard work at Grandma’s house for the indefinite future. & driving Grandma around like a taxi service. Fuck that grandson crap. It only gets you into trouble.)
Jean-Paul from the West Indies, white shirt & a wild Afro, shorts, sandals, muscled oxblood-shining calves. Came up to Q__ P__ at Burger King & said hello, so friendly. Grad student with a fellowship in economics. So quick & friendly I could not prevent EYE CONTACT. But it will not be repeated.
Nor any of them beneath this roof. I never think of it.
51
Mon. 4:00 P.M.-4:50 P.M. Mt. Vernon Medical Center on the other side of the campus, in good weather I walk & in bad weather drive the Dodge Ram. Dr. E__ says Well, Quentin. This brisk autumn air is a tonic isn’t it. After our long hot summer.
There is a double meaning in this I know. Summer the time of Q__ P__’s harassment & humiliation by Mt. Vernon Police Department. But I smile & say YES DOCTOR. NO DOCTOR. Sit & smile & my hair cut & parted in a new way. Dad’s lawyer requested reports to the Michigan Probation Department & so it is known by us that Dr. E__’s prognosis of his patient Q__ P__ is “very good.” Q__ P__ is “definitely making progress.”
Still it is awkward in Dr. E__’s office. I sit across from his desk & stare at the floor. Or at my hands I have scrubbed. RAISINEYES’ wristwatch on my left arm & its bronze face secret where I watch the tiny numerals flashing bronze. & around my right wrist my solitary memento of SQUIRREL.
Dr. E__ asks do I have any dreams to speak of today. There is a flurry of leaves against the window behind him & the sky is darkening so early. I sit & frown & an oily sweat on my forehead & upper lip & there is a long silence. Then I say, A dream of being in some water. & Dr. E__ says Yes? What of it? & I can’t think of more & he says encouraging me like you would encourage a little child to speak, Are you swimming in this water, Quentin? & I shake my head saying, I don’t think so, maybe I am just in the water. & the water hides me & carries me along. & Dr. E__ says, & what happens in your dream, Quentin? & I say, I don’t know. I’m just there.
There is peace too in Dr. E__’s office. You can take comfort in. Dad & Mom are pleased with their son’s prognosis & hope that I will continue with Dr. E__ after my probation is over. Junie too has said in that stern solid way of hers there is definitely an improvement in Quen.
At last it is 4:49 P.M. Dr. E__ writes out a refill for my prescription. Asks if I have anything to ask him & I can’t think of anything & THANK YOU DOCTOR & the session is over.
52
For all that has happened, has happened. From the beginning of Time. I accept this.
Alternate Thursdays 10 A.M. Mr. T__ my probation officer. Tues. 7 P.M.-8:30 P.M. group therapy with Dr. B__. Mon. & Thurs. trash pick-up. Dragging the yellow plastic trash pails out to the curb.
There is a change in my life: I am no longer enrolled at Dale Tech but have transferred to University Extension (downtown Mt. Vernon campus). INTRO TO ACCOUNTING Mon. & Wed. 7 P.M.-8:20 P.M. Because R__ P__ is on the University faculty my tuition is only $200. I am paying for it myself.
A new drive-through McDonald’s is opening on Third St. just two blocks from 118 North Church. Bright yellow banners flapping in the wind & SPECIAL BIG MAC COUPONS to early customers. A glimpse of Jean-Paul in one of the booths with a woman, I think. Light-skinned & Jean-Paul is that deep russet-black. But I did not see clearly. I was not looking, & was not seen.
53
A true ZOMBIE would be mine forever. He would obey every command & whim. Saying “Yes, Master” & “No, Master.” He would kneel before me lifting his eyes to me saying, “I love you, Master. There is no one but you, Master.”
& so it would come to pass, & so it would be. For a true ZOMBIE could not say a thing that was not, only a thing that was. His eyes would be open & clear but there would be nothing inside them seeing. & nothing behind them thinking. Nothing passing judgment.
Nor would there be terror in my ZOMBIE’s eyes. Nor memory. For without memory there is no terror.
A ZOMBIE would pass no judgment of course. A ZOMBIE would say, “God bless you, Master.” He would say, “You are good, Master. You are kind & merciful.” He would say, “Fuck me in the ass, Master, until I bleed blue guts.” He would beg for his food & he would beg for oxygen to breathe. He would be respectful at all times. He would lick with his tongue as bidden. He would suck with his mouth as bidden. He would spread the cheeks of his ass as bidden. He would cuddle like a teddy bear as bidden. He would rest his head on my shoulder like a baby. Or I would rest my head on his shoulder like a baby. We would lie beneath the covers in my bed in the CARETAKER’s room listening to the November wind & the bells of the Music College tower chiming & WE WOULD COUNT THE CHIMES UNTIL WE FELL ASLEEP AT EXACTLY THE SAME MOMENT.
54
Junie said, Don’t speak of it to Dad. His heart is broken.
& Mom said, Your father has aged twenty years! But when you see him, don’t let on.
The news did not seem important to me, no more than most news you see on TV or read in the paper. It was in fact news of long ago. & Dr. M__ K__ dead & spared any trouble. NOBEL LAUREATE FOUND TO HAVE LED RADIATION EXPERIMENTS 1953–1957. COMPARED TO “NAZI” DOCTORS.
I saw the photo of white-haired Dr. K__ Dad’s old mentor at the Washington Institute & read of the scandal as they called it in the media. Dr. K__ had led a team of scientists who engaged in secret experiments for the Atomic Energy Commission. In one experiment, radioactive milk was fed to thirty-six mentally retarded children at a school in Bethesda, Maryland. In another, the testicles of prisoners at several Virginia universities were exposed to “ionizing radiation.” Why this old news was revealed now so many years later & why people pretended to give a fuck, I don’t know. But I had to laugh.