Mission: Earth "Death Quest"
During my tenure as the Chairman of the Royal Board of Censors, I have been exposed to the wide range of tastes that span the 110 planets of our great Confederacy.
Yet nothing compares to this bizarre, fallacious account which deals with a completely fabricated planet called "Earth."
The Crown does not object to an author creating an imaginary world and populating it with equally imaginary characters. Nor does the Crown object to behavior and situations that strain the imagination, not to mention one's basic sense of morality. There is, however, a limit, a boundary, for even the fevered imagination. This work has crossed that line.
The Crown strenuously objects to the unauthorized use of actual persons such as Royal officer Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak to imply that "Earth" exists and that Heller might have been sent there on the orders of the Grand Council. However, "Earth" does not exist, and that takes care of that.
Additionally, the author's irresponsible description of a process that would otherwise be known as "judicial" also pressed the Crown's patience to the limit. There is no such "legal system" anywhere within the
known worlds. What is described in this work bears no resemblance to anything rational and could not possibly exist. The reader must keep that in mind. The law is the mortar between the building blocks of society. A "legal system" permitting people to "sue" merely to seek a large "settlement" as described in this work would become so clogged with "suits" that it would take a person years to seek justice. And what kind of "justice" would such a system allow? So away with that fantasy!
The debased attitude toward sex on this nonexistent planet called "Earth" has already drawn the ire of the Crown. Nothing more will be said.
If this work teaches anything, it teaches what happens when one writes about a nonexistent world such as this "Earth."
There is NO planet "Earth."
That is the only rational attitude to take.
Lord Invay
Royal Historian
Chairman, Board of Censors
Royal Palace
Voltar Confederacy
By Order of
His Imperial Majesty
Wully the Wise
Hello again!
This is your translator, 54 Charlee Nine, the Robot-brain in the Translatophone.
Lord Invay's remark about the American legal system reminds me of the problem that I had in translating this work. First, I can't fathom how a coat and matching pants or skirt could be a legal "suit."
Further, these "suits" are found in what Southerners say is a "coathouse" but spell as "courthouse." I compromised and spelled it "cohthouse." I was tempted to spell it "cathouse" for what really goes on, but while it may be a more accurate description, it sadly misses the pronunciation.
Speaking of accents, I also had to deal with Dr. Crobe, who is a crazy Voltarian cellologist pretending to be a psychiatrist (which automatically qualifies him as a double nutcase) who has an accent that sounds like an Austrian being strangled. But since nobody really understands what a psychiatrist is talking about anyway, it really doesn't matter what he sounds like.
Meanwhile, all of this is really the confession of Apparatus officer Soltan Gris, as dictated by him in a jail cell. I won't even begin to estimate how many logic circuits fused or warped when I tried to get my wits L. RON HUBBARD around the life style of this nonexistent planet called Earth.
Frankly, if Fleet Officer Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak did go to Earth to arrest the pollution so a Vol-tarian invasion force could later safely conquer the planet, I don't see how they kept their sanity while they were there.
Soltan Gris is another matter. He acts more and more like he's from Earth, rather than Voltar. Maybe that's because he spent so much time there studying psychology tricks from Sigmund Freud and Bugs Bunny. Or it could be that he is simply so criminal that he was more at home on what appears to be a prison planet. After all, Gris's whole task was to stop Heller and keep Heller from learning that the head of the Apparatus, Lombar Hisst, was obtaining Earth drugs to overthrow the Vol-tarian Confederacy.
Don't ask me to make any more sense of it. But I will include a Key to this volume. That's more help than I got from Soltan Gris.
Sincerely,
54 Charlee Nine
Robotbrain in the Translatophone
Activator-receiver-See Bugging Gear.
Afyon-City in Turkey where the Apparatus has a secret mountain base.
Agnes, Miss-Personal aide to Delbert John Rockecenter.
Apparatus, Coordinated Information-The secret police of Voltar, headed by Lombar Hisst and manned by criminals.
Atalanta-Home province of Jettero Hellerand the Countess Krak on the planet Manco.
Bang-Bang Rimbombo-An ex-marine demolitions expert and member of the Corleone mob. He also attends Jettero Heller's college Army ROTC classes in place of Heller at EmpireUniversity.
Biggs, Stonewall-Virginia county clerk who issued Jettero Heller a birth certificate in the name of Delbert John Rockecenter, Junior. Heller saved Biggs's life when the courthouse was bombed.
Bittlestiffender, Prahd-Voltarian cellologist who implanted Jettero Heller, the Countess Krak and Dr. Crobe. (See Bugging Gear and Cellology.)
Blito-P3-Voltarian designation for a planet known locally as "Earth." It is the third planet (P3) of a yellow-dwarf star known as Blito. It is on the Invasion Timetable as a future way stop on Voltar's route toward the center of this galaxy.
Blueflash-A bright blue flash of light which produces unconsciousness. It is usually used by Voltarian ships before landing in an area that is possibly populated.
Bugging Gear-Electronic eavesdropping devices that Soltan Gris had implanted in Jettero Heller, the Countess Krak and Dr. Crobe. Gris uses a video unit to monitor everything they see or hear. The signals are picked up by the Activator-receiver that Gris carries. When they are more than two hundred miles from Gris, the 831 Relayer is turned on and boosts the signal to a range of ten thousand miles.
Bury-Delbert John Rockecenter's most powerful attorney. Candy Licorice-Lesbian "wife" to Miss Pinch.
Cellology-Voltarian medical science that can repair the body through the cellular generation of tissues, including entire body parts.
Code Break-Violation of a section of the Space Code prohibiting the alerting of others that one is an alien. If this occurs, those alerted are destroyed and the violator
is put to death. The purpose is to maintain the security of the Invasion Timetable.
Confederacy-See Voltar.
Coordinated Information Apparatus-See Apparatus.
Crobe, Dr.-Apparatus cellologist who delights in making freaks. He was brought to Earth by Soltan Gris to further disrupt Jettero Heller's mission.
EmpireUniversity-Where Jettero Heller is taking classes in New York City.
Epstein, Izzy-Financial expert and anarchist hired by Jettero Heller to set up and run several corporations to handle Heller's finances.