“I’m fairly certain there’s a law against shitting in anything with a designer label.”
He scrunched his nose at me. “Possibly, but it still doesn’t mean that the newest addition to our family deserves anything but the best. And that’s exactly what he’ll get.”
“What if it’s a girl?”
“Trust me. It’s a boy. I have a knack for knowing these things.” He winked and placed a tender kiss on my cheek. For the first time since leaving my doctor’s office earlier, I actually felt as if I could get through this, that I didn’t need Tyler to be a good mom to the baby growing inside me.
I relaxed into Brayden’s arms, wanting to live in that moment for as long as possible. I was calm, the demons that had been haunting me absent. Brayden gave me a sense of stability and comfort that had been lacking from my life.
“You loved him, didn’t you?” he commented softly.
“I did, but it wasn’t real.”
“What makes you say that? I saw the way he looked at you. I don’t care how good you are. You can’t fake that.”
“He lied to me, boo.”
Running his fingers up and down my back, he said, “I think he was truthful with you where it mattered. Nothing dishonest comes from love. We may hurt those we love, but we often think we’re doing right by them. We tend to lie to those we care about to protect them.”
“There’s no black and white, only varying shades of gray hiding a kernel of truth,” I murmured, remembering my father’s words when he asked me to pretend as if he were dead. I had done so to protect him, to keep him safe. Did Tyler keep the truth of who he was and what he was doing for the same reason? And what was his kernel of truth?
His words from that day back in Boston, begging me to believe his love for me was real, replayed in my head, his remorse-filled eyes flashing through my memory. A look of realization washed over me and I snapped my eyes toward Brayden’s.
A knowing smile on his face, he continued, “Like I said, you can fake a lot of things, Mackenzie, but you can’t fake being in love. There’s your kernel of truth.”
Tyler
THE AIR WAS DRY and dusty as I sat in the passenger seat of the all-terrain vehicle Eli expertly navigated through the barren desert of Sudan on a hot June day. The heat was unbearable, but at least I had all my limbs, which was more than could be said of many of the refugees seeking safety from South Sudan at the camp my brother’s company had been sponsoring for the past several years. The path that led me to this point in my life was an odd one, but I needed to be here.
It had been over three months since I watched Mackenzie walk out of my life, but the look on her face when she found out the truth continued to haunt me, finding me no matter where I went. Every woman I saw had that same exact expression in her eyes. Men glared at me with a look of disgust, as if knowing I had destroyed the most precious gift there was…love. My betrayal and deception tormented me, reminding me I would never be worthy of anyone’s love again, especially Mackenzie’s. Regardless, I wasn’t giving up. I simply needed to do something to prove I had a heart…that I was someone worth taking a risk for…that I was someone worth forgiving despite the heartache I caused. But I needed to learn to forgive myself first, and I hoped that by protecting some of the most vulnerable people I had ever met would put me on the right path.
However, that didn’t make me miss her any less. I missed her smile. Her voice. Her soul. Her heart. Her love. I was a coward. Even though I had limited access to a satellite phone and a computer here in the middle of nowhere, I hadn’t called or emailed her, following my brother’s orders to refrain from contacting her for security reasons. Even if I could contact her, nothing I said would ever tell her what she wanted to hear, what she deserved to hear. Instead, I kept a journal of all the things I wanted to say to her, hopeful she would be able to read it one day and see that she didn’t escape my thoughts once over the months of our separation.
Carrying the guilt of the failed mission that would always haunt me, I tried to find peace in my work, in my new mission, but that day continued to repeat in my mind like a horrible movie.
An excruciating lump formed in my throat as I watched a flash of dark hair scramble from the elevator of my brother’s building and bolt through the revolving doors, exiting onto the busy Boston street. I was foolish to think I could keep the truth from her. She was bound to find out, but I didn’t want it to be like this. I wasn’t cut out for betraying people, no matter the reason. Months ago, I thought this was the perfect assignment for me. I hadn’t cared about a woman since Melanie, but Mackenzie had spoken to my heart and I fell for her hard and fast.
I darted after her, knowing it was now or never. I needed to make my move. I needed to prove to her that it wasn’t an act, that it was so fucking real for me, that she truly was my lightning strike. Catching up to her with ease, I reached for her arm and spun her around. Her eyes grew wide, her mouth agape. Her chin quivered and I saw the hurt on her face, but I felt that spark and I knew she did, too.
Pinning her against the brick wall, I covered her mouth with mine. She pushed against me at first, her fists slamming into my chest.
“Go ahead!” I bellowed. “Fight me. I want you to!”
I earned everything she could do to me, but even when I was covered with bruises and scars, it still wouldn’t compare to the scar I had caused her heart. Mine would heal. I doubted hers would.
“I want you to hurt me. I deserve it! Cut me. Kill me. My heart won’t beat without you!”
Tears running down our faces, I pressed my lips against hers. After a brief struggle, she finally relented and melted into me. She combed her fingers through my hair, tugging at me, drawing me closer. Fire smoldered within as she moaned. A heat came off her body and I knew she couldn’t deny the attraction. Love like this didn’t happen twice. This was as real as anything I had ever experienced in my life.
I pulled back and rested my forehead against hers. A sigh escaped her lips and I grew hopeful we would make it through this, that our love for each other was stronger than the mountain of lies on which it was built. Her gaze softened and she cupped my cheek in her hand. All I ever needed was to feel her skin on mine. It was perfect. It was exhilarating. It was my home. She was my home.
Instantly, her back grew rigid and she pushed against my chest. Stumbling back, I flung my eyes open, watching in bewilderment as she ran down the street.
“You stay away from me, Tyler!” she howled, signaling for a cab. “I can’t… I’m not going to let you hurt me again!”
“I won’t!” I yelled, chasing after her. My chest tightened as I tried to make sense of the drastic turn. It was almost as if her brain was battling with her heart, which I knew was true. She had been doing that since we started our whirlwind relationship.
“There’s no possible way you won’t!” she exclaimed, wiping at the tears pouring down her face. “Every time I look at you, at your eyes, I’ll always wonder whether it’s real.”
A cab pulled up to the corner and she opened the door, about to get in.
“Please, Mackenzie…” My mouth was dry, a pained stare on my face as I pleaded with her.