Since a daily test of the wiring circuit, to assure its constant readiness, was specified in our insurance agreement, I arranged with Miss Coe that at exactly three o’clock each day, I would press the button under my desk at the bank and ring the buzzer in her shop. That was as far as the daily test needed to go; it was expected that Miss Coe’s telephone would always be operative but if, in the event it were out of order or in use when the buzzer should ring, Miss Coe could merely nip into the shop next door and telephone the police from there.
For two years it seemed that Miss Coe would never be called upon to display her reliability in behalf of the bank’s depositors. We had no bank robbery, nor even an attempted one. I tested the alarm buzzer each day at three; Miss Coe continued to make fetching hats for Robbsville’s ladies undisturbed; and each month I mailed her a small check for her participation in the bank’s alarm system.
You can readily see now, I am sure, why I had no qualms whatever when our bank robbery finally did occur. This was the event for which the police, Miss Coe, and I had so carefully prepared. This was the actual happening that our rehearsals had merely simulated. I knew that our outside robbery alarm was in perfect working order. I knew that Miss Coe was in her shop, ready to act, as dependable and unfailing as the stars in the heavens.
So, far from being startled or apprehensive, I really felt a certain pleasurable excitement when I looked up from my desk, just before closing time that afternoon, and saw the three masked bandits presenting their weapons to our staff and terrified patrons. In common with the other occupants of the banking room, I slowly raised my hands over my head at the robbers’ command. Simultaneously and unnoticed, however, I also pressed my knee against the alarm button under my desk.
I could picture clearly the exact sequence of events that would be set in train by that movement of my knee. Miss Coe’s buzzer would sound. She would perhaps sit immobile for a shocked second at her work table. She would drop the hat she was working on and cross speedily to her telephone. She would place her emergency call to the police with splendid calm. And then she would wait confidently for the news from me that our bank robbers had been circumvented or captured.
Unfortunately, as I found out later, Miss Coe did none of these things.
What she did do, when the alarm buzzer sounded in her shop, was merely to glance at the clock on her wall, rise impatiently from her sewing stool and cross the room, and there (bless her methodical heart!) push the minute hand of the wall clock ahead ten minutes so that it pointed to exactly three o’clock.
The Old Heap
by Alvin S. Fick
August 8,1975
Acme Parking Plaza
2135 Congress St.
Akron, O.
To whom it may concern:
This afternoon when I picked up my car at your parking garage I discovered that all four hubcaps were missing. Obviously they were stolen during the day, because I’m sure all of them were on the car when I left it on C level, the one you reach from the Orville Avenue ramp.
I spoke to one of the attendants about this, but all he did was shrug his shoulders and say probably the hubcaps fell off on the way in this morning and I didn’t notice. Impossible — not all four, anyway. He said the office was closed and wouldn’t even give me his name, so I am writing this letter expecting a reply which will enable me to get an adjustment on this.
Yours truly,
August 12, 1975
Mr. Dennis Daggett
14 Pepper Lane
Chatham, O.
Dear Mr. Daggett:
Your letter of August 8 has been brought to my attention. On behalf of Acme Parking Plaza, I express sincere regret for the loss of hubcaps from your car which occurred, you say, while your vehicle was parked at our facility. In view of the activity in the garage section of our Plaza, I find it difficult to believe this could have happened on C level, or anywhere else on our premises, to be quite candid. We employ an ample staff of trained, dependable and reputable attendants who constantly monitor all areas.
We trust you will have no problem in obtaining reimbursement from your insurance carrier under the terms of your comprehensive coverage.
Again, sorry you incurred a loss.
Cordially,
August 15,1975
Mr. Elroy R. Kent
Customer Relations
Acme Parking Plaza
2135 Congress St.
Akron, O.
Dear Mr. Kent:
I have your letter, and I don’t like your Doubting Thomas attitude. I have been parking at Acme Plaza for three years, and I don’t like the way you imply I am lying about this matter.
I only use my car going back and forth to work. It never sits on the street. It is parked in my garage — locked, by the way — when I am home. I have always used your indoor parking area instead of the big outdoor lot on the Congress St. side. I do this because I take great pride in the way I take care of my car. I have never left it outdoors in the weather. Don’t talk to me about comprehensive insurance. The money that would cost I have been putting into the cash register of Acme Parking Plaza, just so I wouldn’t need comprehensive. Why do you think I paid your outrageous indoor fee if not to protect my property?
I am checking on the cost of replacement hubcaps. I will be sending you the bill.
Yours truly,
August 19,1975
Mr. Dennis Daggett
14 Pepper Lane
Chatham, O.
Dear Mr. Daggett:
In view of the low cost of comprehensive insurance, it seems a little foolish of you not to have it. But that is your business, shortsighted though it may be. It would be pointless for you to send us a bill for your replacement hubcaps, which I doubt you will be able to obtain anyway in view of the age of your car. I spoke to the C level attendant to whom you complained on August 8. He tells me you drive a 1949 Kaiser.
Really, Mr. Daggett, you can’t hope to find hubcaps for that!
Cordially,
August 20, 1975
Mr. Kent:
You are damned right that it is my business whether or not I carry comprehensive insurance, and it certainly is none of your business to call me foolish because I don’t. And just what the hell do you mean, “It would be pointless for you to send us a bill”?
You have a responsibility in this matter, and I aim to see that you fulfill it.
The tone of your letter of August 19 makes me madder than spit. Who in blazes are you to call me shortsighted? How many shortsighted people do you know who have nursed along, loved and cared for a single automobile for twenty-five years? Let me assure you I can and will find hubcaps. They will cost you a pretty penny, because I am going to charge you for the time I spend searching, and when I find them I expect they may be dented and rusty. Repair, including re-chroming, will be part of the bill.