"Where have you been?" she demanded.
"Locked in a cage by a cruel duke in Transylvania. It was only four feet high, suspended over a pond filled with crocodiles. I got out by picking the lock with my
teeth. Luckily, the crocodiles weren't hungry. Where have you been?"
"I mean it. Don't you keep a schedule?"
"I'm right on my schedule, Elaine. This is Wednesday. I was here last
Wednesday. This year Christmas falls on a Wednesday, and I'll be here on Christmas."
"It feels like a year."
"Only ten months. Till Christmas. Elaine, you aren't being any fun."
She wasn't in the mood for fun. There were tears in her eyes. "I can't stand much more," she said.
"I'm sorry."
"I'm afraid."
And she was afraid. Her voice trembled.
"At night, and in the daytime, whenever I sleep. I'm just the right size."
"For what?"
"What do you mean?"
"You said you were just the right size."
"I did? Oh, I don't know what I meant. I'm going crazy. That's what you're here for, isn't it? To keep me sane. It's the rain. I can't do anything, I can't see anything, and all I can hear most of the time is the hissing of the rain."
"Like outer space," I said, remembering what she had said the last time.
She apparently didn't remember our discussion. She looked. startled. "How did you know?" she asked. "You told me."
"There isn't any sound in outer space," she said.
"Oh," I answered.
"There's no air out there."
"I knew that."
"Then why did you say, 'Oh, of course?' The engines. You can hear them all over the ship, it's a drone, all the time. That's just like the rain. Only after a while you can't hear it anymore. It becomes like silence. Anansa told me."
Another imaginary friend. Her file said that she had kept her imaginary friends long after most children give them up. That was why I had first been assigned to see her, to get rid of the friends. Grunty, the ice pig; Howard, the boy who beat up everybody; Sue Ann, who would bring her dolls and play with them for her, making them do what Elaine said for them to do; Fuchsia, who lived among the flowers and was only inches high. There were others. After a few sessions with her I saw that she knew that they weren't real. But they passed time for her. They stepped outside her body and did things she could never do. I felt they did her no harm at all, and destroying that imaginary world for her would only make her lonelier and more unhappy. She was sane, that was certain. And yet I kept seeing her, not entirely because I liked her so much. Partly because I wondered whether she had been pretending when she told me she knew her friends weren't real. Anansa was a new one.
"Who's Anansa?"
"Oh, you don't want to know." She didn't want to talk about her; that was obvious.
"I want to know."
She turned away. "I can't make you go away, but I wish you would. When you get nosy."
"It's my job."
"Job!" She sounded contemptuous. "I see all of you, running around on your healthy legs, doing all your jobs."
What could I say to her? "It's how we stay alive," I said. "I do my best." Then she got a strange look on her face; I've got a secret, she seemed to say, and I want you to pry it out of me. "Maybe I can get a job, too."
"Maybe," I said. I tried to think of something she could do.
"There's always music," she said.
I misunderstood. "There aren't many instruments you can play. That's the way it is." Dose of reality and all that.
"Don't be stupid."
"Okay. Never again."
"I meant that there's always the music. On my job."
"And what job is this?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?" she said, rolling her eyes mysteriously and turning toward the window. I imagined her as a normal fifteen-year-old girl. Ordinarily I would have interpreted this as flirting. But there was something else under all this. A feeling of desperation. She was right. I really would like to know. I made a rather logical guess. I put together the two secrets she was trying to get me to figure out today.
"What kind of job is Anansa going to give you?"
She looked at me, startled. "So it's true then."
"What's true?"
"It's so frightening. I keep telling myself it's a dream. But it isn't, is it?"
"What, Anansa?"
"You think she's just one of my friends, don't you. But they're not in my dreams,
not like this. Anansa --"
"What about Anansa?"
"She sings to me. In my sleep."
My trained psychologist's mind immediately conjured up mother figures. "Of
course," I said. "She's in space, and she sings to me. You wouldn't believe the songs." It reminded me. I pulled out the cassette I had bought for her. "Thank you," she said. "You're welcome. Want to hear it?" She nodded. I put it on the cassette player. Appalachian Spring. She moved her
head to the music. I imagined her as a dancer. She felt the music very well. But after a few minutes she stopped moving and started to cry. "It's not the same," she said. "You've heard it before?" "Turn it off. Turn it off!" I turned it off. "Sorry," I said. "Thought you'd like it." "Guilt, nothing but guilt," she said. "You always feel guilty, don't you?" "Pretty nearly always," I admitted cheerfully. A lot of my patients threw
psychological jargon in my face. Or soap-opera language. "I'm sorry," she said. "It's just -- it's just not the music. Not the music. Now that I've heard it, everything is so dark compared to it. Like the rain, all gray and heavy and dim, as if the composer is trying to see the hills but the rain is always
in the way. For a few minutes I thought he was getting it right." "Anansa's music?" She nodded. "I know you don't believe me. But I hear her when I'm asleep. She
tells me that's the only time she can communicate with me. It's not talking. It's all her songs. She's out there, in her starship, singing And at night I hear her." "Why you?"
"You mean, why only me?" She laughed. "Because of what I am. You told me yourself. Because I can't run around, I live in my imagination. She say that the threads between minds are very thin and hard to hold. But mine she can hold, because I live completely in my mind. She holds on to me. When I go to sleep, I can't escape her now anymore at all."
"Escape? I thought you liked her." "I don't know what I like. I like -- I like the music. But Anansa wants me. She wants to have me -- she wants to give me a job."
"What's the singing like?" When she said job, she trembled and closed up; I referred back to something that she had been willing to talk about, to keep the floundering conversation going.
"It's not like anything. She's there in space, and it's black, just the humming of the engines like the sound of rain, and she reaches into the dust out there and draws in the songs. She reaches out her -- out her fingers, or her ears, I don't know; it isn't clear. She reaches out and draws in the dust and the songs and turns them into the music that I hear. It's powerful. She says it's her songs that drive her between the stars."
"Is she alone?"
Elaine nodded. "She wants me."
"Wants you. How can she have you, with you here and her out there?"
Elaine licked her lips. "I don't want to talk about it," she said in a way that told me she was on the verge of telling me.
"I wish you would. I really wish you'd tell me."
"She says -- she says that she can take me. She says that if I can learn the songs, she can pull me out of my body and take me there and give me arms and legs and fingers and I can run and dance and--"