Stella came closer.
Susan couldn’t run any further. Her back was to the wall of the kitchenette, with cupboards and drawers on one side of her and the sink on the other.
There was, suddenly, no place to go, no way to turn, no one to help her. She wished that Ralph was there.
She might as well have wished for wings.
Again she tried to scream and again she was too petrified to launch the cry. Instead she said, her voice little more than a whisper: “What… what do you want?”
“You.”
“What—”
Stella spaced her words very carefully and enunciated with the utmost precision, and while she talked she stopped moving closer to Susan.
“You led me on,” she said. “You led me on and got me all excited and then you left me. That wasn’t the right thing for you to do. It was wrong, and it is my duty to punish you.”
“Look, you’ve got to understand! It was all a mistake, I didn’t mean—”
“You’ve got to be punished,” Stella said. “First I’m going to have you as I wanted to do yesterday. And then I am going to punish you.”
“Please—”
“Don’t beg,” Stella said.
Susan realized that she was dealing with a madwoman, that nothing she could say or do would change Stella’s mind for her. And Susan had a fairly good idea of what Stella’s concept of punishment would turn out to be.
Stella was going to kill her.
She didn’t want to die. Suddenly she realized just how much she didn’t want to die, just how much she had to live for. All at once the beauty of the life she and Ralph were going to have together hit her full force and the thought of losing all that was too much to bear.
I’ve got to stop her, she thought desperately. I’ve got to find some way to stop her.
She didn’t try to scream anymore. Now that she understood what was happening she realized that a scream would probably provoke Stella to immediate action and cost her her life as a result.
Stella took another step toward her.
“Wait!”
Stella paused.
And then Susan realized something very important. As long as she managed to keep the older woman talking she was all right. A long as she kept the conversation going, no matter how insane the conversation became, Stella wouldn’t attack her.
“Tell me,” she said. “Why do you want me?”
“Because I hate you.” Stella made the words convey the feeling that people only wanted those they hated. The thought alone chilled Susan.
“You hate me?”
“Of course.”
“Why?”
“You must know why.”
“But I don’t know why, Stella. Please tell me.”
The older woman shrugged impatiently. She took another step forward, her eyes blazing. Susan had to say something, had to say something in a hurry. As long as she kept talking, as long as she went on with conversation, any sort of conversation, then—
“Is it because of Ralph?”
“What about Ralph?” Stella seemed interested and Susan pursued the topic.
“Ralph and I are in love. Is that why you hate me?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Ralph and I are in love,” she said again. “We’re going to be married.”
“You’re lying to me.”
“No, Stella. It’s the truth. So help me God it’s the truth.”
“You’re lying to me.”
“Stella, it’s the truth!”
“Tell me about it,” Stella said. “Tell me all about you and Ralph.”
Susan began talking furiously, talking about how she and Ralph had met that first morning, how they went to breakfast together, how he had painted her portrait and how in the interim they fell in love. She told Stella things she didn’t think she would ever tell anybody in her whole life — how she loved Ralph but was afraid of him at the same time, how he loved her, how she tried to save herself from sexual frustration by a visit to Stella’s room, how Ralph had come to her just yesterday and how they slept all night with their arms around each other. She talked as quickly as she could, embellishing everything with a wealth of detail, telling the older woman what they were wearing and what they said and on and on and on, spilling out all the details in an effort to keep Stella’s mind off the murder she was about to commit.
She talked a mile a minute but her mind traveled elsewhere while she talked. It wasn’t necessary for her to concentrate on what she was saying. Everything she said was something that had penetrated so deeply into her own brain that she could rattle it off without even thinking about it.
Her mind was busy with other things. Her mind had to figure out a way for her to escape from Stella once and for all. After a while either she would run out of words or Stella would run out of interest and it would be all over. And she knew that she was no match for Stella in a fight. The big woman was much stronger than she was, and only a lucky accident had enabled her to knock Stella unconscious the day before.
She would need luck now.
Luck, and more than luck. Luck and a plan, luck and a way out of it all.
She needed something. Oh, Christ, if only she had listened to Gloria and bought a gun. It would have been easy enough for her to get a permit, and having a gun around the house would be nice just about now.
It was funny — Gloria advised her to get the gun to protect herself from men. But that was when she worried about men, and now she needed a weapon of some sort to protect herself from a woman! A lesbian’s greatest fear traditionally was getting raped by a man — and now her own greatest worry was getting raped and murdered by a woman.
If only she had a gun. But she didn’t have a gun, and she was going to need something in a hurry. She kept on talking full speed but she could see that Stella’s attention was wandering. The woman was getting impatient. It was only a question of time, only a minute or two before Stella came at her with one desperate lunge and—
A knife.
That might do it. Maybe if she could get a knife from the drawer next to her. But would she be able to do it before Stella realized what she was doing? She had the feeling that if she so much as turned her eyes away from the other woman’s eyes, Stella would make her move.
But she had to do something. And she was running out of things to do.
Her eyes still staring into Stella’s eyes, Susan reached to her right. Her hand fumbled around and found the handle of the kitchen drawer. Oh, God, it had to be the right drawer!
She kept talking. Then, using her right hand only, she began to pull the drawer open a half-inch at a time. It stuck at first as it had a habit of doing and she almost died inside, but she gave another little tug and it came open.
Bit by bit she pulled on the drawer. When it was open almost four inches she let her hand slip inside, fumbling helplessly around for a knife. Accidentally she started to pick up the little paring knife and gripped it by the blade, wincing as the cold steel bit into her hand.
But it was just a nick, just a little cut. She held Stella’s eyes with her own and groped around in the drawer until her fingers fastened around the heavy wooden handle of the breadknife.
The breadknife. Five inches of strong sharp steel. That would do it if anything would. That would save her.
And just as she gripped onto the breadknife she ran out of things to say to Stella.
There was a period of silence that was all of ten seconds long but that seemed to last forever. Stella’s eyes bored into hers and her fingers tightened around the handle of the knife until she thought the wood would split between her fingers. She wanted to lift the knife out of the drawer but she was afraid, afraid that she would attract Stella’s attention to what she was doing before she could get the knife ready for action. How long would it take? The knife was bulky and the drawer was open only a little ways, and her whole body seemed numb with fear. How quickly would she be able to react? How quickly would Stella move?