"She's tried to tell me otherwise, but we both know the truth.... It's my fault. I should never have left her there...."
"No, it's not your fault."
"Yes, it damned well is, and you know it!" Corwin shrank back, momentarily surprised by the sheer anger in the General's voice. The light surged up around him, blazing and flashing, tendrils of lightning shooting from his eyes. "Of course it's my fault!
"It's my fault for daring to think I could do something other than fight a war! For deluding myself there was anything else I could do other than kill people! It's so easy to take lives, isn't it? So damned easy, especially when you rationalise it to yourself. I'm a soldier. This is war. It doesn't matter who they are.
"Delenn's seen that. She's done that, and she managed to break free. So why the hell can't I? Face it, I'm not a soldier, I'm a murderer, and I just murdered my unborn son!"
"It's not your fault," Corwin said again, desperately trying to get through. Where was this coming from? John had seemed.... better recently. Changed. The discovery that Delenn was alive....
"No? If not mine, then whose? The people who did it? I don't know who they are. Besides, they were only following orders. You can't blame anyone for just following orders, no more than you can blame yourself or your crew for doing what I tell you to.
"Welles? He was just doing what he thought was right, and he's on some damned life support machinery now. Clark? He's dead. My father? My own father?
"I'm telling you, if I can't blame myself there's only one other person I can blame, and I'd much rather blame myself than her."
"What?"
"Forget it." He sighed, and buried his head in his hands. "I don't want to. God.... I know it wasn't her fault, but.... could she have done something? Anything? God.... I don't want to blame her.... but somewhere.... somewhere right at the back of my mind....
"I do."
He lifted his head, and his eyes were filled with a dark madness, a truly terrible sight.
"God help me, David.... what kind of person am I?"
Breath came more slowly now. His throat hurt. He could not remember the last time he had spoken so much, the last time he had said so many things he had not wanted to say.
"There's.... there's an old saying," he said, struggling to keep his eyes open. He should not have stayed awake this long. He should have let the drugs and the painkillers slide him into unconsciousness, but he could not do that. He had to finish, and if not now, then he never would.
"It comes from one of our philosophers. It goes...." He breathed in, and sharp bursts of pain triggered across his shattered ribs. Ignoring the pain was becoming harder and harder.
"It goes.... 'If you gaze into the abyss.... the abyss....
"the abyss gazes back....
"at you.'
"That was me. I gazed into the abyss for years.... and it changed me. Then I saw you....
"just as I'd seen....
"Vicky
"for the first time
"I looked at you....
"and you looked back at me.
"And you changed me.
"It just took me.... so
"long.
"So long to see it.
"Delenn.
"I'm sorry!"
She reached out, and he felt her cool, soft hand touch his. "There is nothing to say," she whispered. "You have already said it all, if not with your words, then by your deeds and with your eyes. I will accept your forgiveness.... and I pray you can accept mine."
There was a harsh moment of laughter. "Yes," he said. "Of course."
"I wish I had known your Vicky."
"You would.... have liked each other.... Delenn.... Do you think.... I will see her again.... after.... I die?"
"I do not know," she said simply. "If there is any justice.... then you will. But justice may be.... in short supply." Her eyes suddenly widened as she caught something in his tone. "But I thought.... your injuries were not fatal."
He smiled. "No," he rasped. "No, they aren't. I could be.... out of this bed.... in a few months.... walking around in a year.... and in two years or so.... I'd have no sign but a very.... distinguished.... limp.
"Of course.... that doesn't matter. I'll be put on trial.... convicted.... and shot in the street like a dog.... No.... I know the means.... of manipulating the public. If.... the new Government.... wants me as its villain.... then so be it. As long as.... one person knows.... the truth."
"I know," she said, firmly. "And I will not let that happen."
He shook his head. "Doesn't matter.... Doesn't.... matter.... at all.... Sorry, Delenn.... can't.... stay.... awake."
"I understand." She rose, the sheer grace of her presence undoing the awkwardness of her movements. "We will talk again. You must let me finish your confession."
"Yes," he whispered, his eyes closed. "Mother.... what is my penance?"
"I do not think you need one," she said. "You have made penance enough for any number of sins."
"Ah." He smiled again. "Ah."
Her fingers brushed his gently, and then she left. He was now ready to face his end, his final destiny.
There was not much for Corwin to say after that. What was there for him to say? Sheridan certainly didn't want to say anything after that revelation. His self-loathing practically radiated from him, and Corwin could feel the air become thick with pain.
He tried not to think about what Delenn had gone through. He tried not to think about what it must have cost her to tell him.
And what it must have cost Sheridan to comfort her, to love her, even through his own suffering.
"I love her," came a whispered voice. The provisional leader of humanity, the General of the Dark Star fleet, the legendary Shadowkiller, was resting his head on his arms, harsh sobs racking his body, anguished words filling the room with his sorrow. "I do.... Oh, God.... why do I feel like this? It's not her fault. I know it's not her fault. How can it be? But...."
What could he say to reply to that? He knew there was no way Delenn could be blamed for what had happened. For one dark moment he suspected the Vorlons of manipulating Sheridan again, of pushing him and Delenn apart, of removing any emotional link to peace and happines in the creation of their 'Shadowkiller'.
But then he realised the truth. The Vorlons needed no control, no manipulation, nothing. They needed nothing more than the darkness within one man's soul, the legacy of a daughter taken too young, and a son butchered before he even had a chance to exist.
There is no evil greater than that which humanity does to itself.
Tomorrow, things would return to normal. Corwin would resume his search for the missing Captains Barns and Tikopai. Sheridan would become the General again, guiding his forces towards a war that was becoming more and more costly. Delenn would rest in the hospital, making contact with the Alliance Council on Kazomi 7 and trying to heal her body and her soul.
And the war would continue. More people would die. More people would suffer. More people would grieve.
And for what?
David did not know.
The sobs coming from John's body lessened, as he finally fell asleep. David rose and walked to the window, looking out across the buildings and streets and people of Proxima's Main Dome.
We fought for all of you. We'll continue to fight for all of you.
But let it be over soon, please. Oh God, let it be over soon.
He sighed, and shook his head, recognising the futile lies in his hopes. It would never be over.
Never.
He was ready now, at last. He had made his confession, he had said what needed to be said. He was ready to face the infinite.
"Are you sure?" asked the nurse again. "Are you...?"
"Yes. There is no other way. Do not worry. You will not get into trouble for this."